XXXIV: Live With Selfishness

"Let him go, he's a free man —" 

"Yes, he's free from you Pamela you damn —" 

"Alright!" I yell, shutting them both up. My head is exploding. "That's enough!" I withdraw my wrists from both women and stand. "Sorina? Let's talk. Alone." 

She smiles at first, thinking it's her victory in this stupid rivalry of theirs. But, when she studies my expression further, her smile dims. 

It's like she can already tell what I'm about to say. 

Pamela catches this interaction and grins broadly. 

I do not like adding more fuel to this bickering. But, I have my own goals, my own motivations. I will not be swayed. 

I will not let Masaru escape my grasp. 

…

Sorina enters the empty barracks and I close the door behind me, muffling the sounds of Saegor's cursing. Apparently, his resurrection of the elk isn't going so well. Good. I think, remembering that dream I had of the Witch and her armies spreading over the land, with her riding the revived elk. At least that won't come to pass. 

Sorina approaches me and starts looking me over. "Are you alright?" 

"Mostly," I say. Though, much like my early battles in the Tower, some of Baroth's wounds will scar. Especially in the chest. However, they are mostly healed now. "What about you? Any trouble getting into the fortress?" 

She smiles. "Who do you think I am? I'm the one that taught you stealth." 

"Good," I sigh. "That's very good, Sorina." I don't know how I'm going to tell her this, so I'm stalling for time. Luckily, she also seems to be skirting around the topic. 

"What were you fighting out there?" she asks. "The big elk creature? What was that? It even had Umbrahorn scared." 

"Umbrahorn? Scared?" 

"The useless spirit hid behind me." 

Well, that says a lot. "He was… an old enemy of mine. From back when I was the Thunder Watcher." 

She leans against the main map table. "Elaborate." 

"A djinn named Baroth. I think he's been hunting me ever since we left Takemeadow." 

"I see." 

"Where is Kara and her band by the way? Did they sneak in with you or…" 

"They are waiting outside. I told them to hold out for me, though now our situation is a little more complicated," Sorina says, muttering her last words. A silence passes between us. Sorina looks straight into my eyes, my soul, reading my depths. I look away. 

"What did she offer you?" she asks. 

"What?" 

"What did Pamela offer you? I know she must have offered you something. After all, you're not in chains, you're wearing a Catolican uniform, and you were talking with that warlock of theirs." 

I stay silent. She stops leaning and struts forward, coming face to face with me. I back away, but she keeps pushing. 

"What was it?" she asks again. 

My back hits the wall. I sigh. No getting around it then: "Masaru is leading Sorayvlad." 

Her face contorts in confusion. Then, she puts name to memory: "Your Masaru? The Masaru of Clan Adachi?" 

"Yes." 

"That's… how is that possible?" 

"According to Pamela, after the civil war for the shogunate in your clan, Masaru defected from Clan Adachi and swooped in to bring a young shogun to power." 

"Hmm. But why would he —" 

"Does it matter?" I snap. She backs away slightly at this outburst. Eyes flickering with fear. That makes me feel bad, for a moment. But I press on. "Does any of it matter? I'm tired of asking questions. I'm tired of planning and mulling and thinking it all over. I want to act — not react. And all I've been doing is playing this stupid game by the whims of my enemies. The Witch, Baroth, Sorayvlad, Catolica — I don't care and I don't want to care!" 

Sorina gulps. "What about — Dandy? Us? The villages, the plague, Takemeadow?" 

I push forward, backing her into the map table. She leans away as I sneer: "What about it? I thought you of all people would understand." 

"Raiten I— I do understand. I know how it feels to be stuck—" 

"He killed my mother. He and the rest of the elders. And I had to sit for ten years and defend them as a slave! You know this! You're the only one that knows this." 

"Raiten, stop yelling. Please." 

"I mean, you told me 'You're the only friend I've had in a long time.' Well guess what? You're the only friend I've had in ten years. Do you know how maddening that is? Ten years of me defending the people who killed my mother right in front of me?" 

"Look, whatever it is you're about to do, it's a mistake." She stands taller now, eyes peering up at me. 

I don't back away. "No, for once in my life, I'm doing what I need to do." 

"You know that's not true. I can see it in your eyes. Raiten, we need to be going after the witch." 

"How could you even say that? If you knew you're husband's killers were out there —" 

"They are out there Raiten, in the Giant's Glades. All of Sorayvlad killed my husband. But I know what's at stake. I know I can't be selfish —" 

"Selfish? You think this is selfish?" 

"That's not what I —" 

"For once, I'm doing what I have to, and you think that's selfish—" 

"Would you stop interrupting me!" she yells. Her eyes are glistening now. I realize that I am huffing and puffing from exertion. My face feels red hot. "God, you're so— so —" 

"Angry," I mutter. It's the same thing that Hui told me after I refused to join her party at the Tower. And here I am, repeating my mistakes. 

I shake my head. "I'm sorry. But I can't let him go." 

I turn to head towards the door.

"So what? Is that? You're going to throw it all away? Give up? That's not like you, Raiten. I know you." 

"No. You don't." 

She runs around and blocks the door, hands outraised. "I won't let you run from this." 

I glare down. "Make me." 

She doesn't move. One second. Then the next. Her eyes are actually tearing up now, because she sees that I won't budge. I feel a stabbing pang of guilt, watching one of the only person I somewhat care about start to hold back tears in front of me. 

I sigh. "Sorina, please. Move." I put a hand on her shoulder to gently push her to the side. 

"Don't touch me!" she slaps my hand away. She sniffs. "I won't let you make this mistake. I won't let you abandon everyone else." 

Now the anger bubbles again. "What do you expect from me? Do you expect me to be some hero? I'm not Hui Long. I'm not anybody — I'm just a slave. I don't know why you and everyone else seems to expect this of me." 

"It's not about being a hero Raiten, its just —" she groans in frustration, struggling to find the words. "I'm just trying to help you." 

"You can help me by moving." When she doesn't, I shove past her, opening the door. 

Saegor is still cursing at the elk and the twins are watching. Pamela stands sentinel above us. She seems to have overheard some of our argument, for she gives Sorina a subtle smile. 

"Saegor!" I yell for him. He turns back to me. "Forget the Elk, let's just go!" 

"But, we wanted to move out tonight—" 

"We're leaving. Now." Something in my voice makes him nod, though I suspect it's not out of fear. 

One of the twins, the boy, protests: "I only follow Saegor's orders—" 

"Nah let him be Kiren. I like his energy right now," Saegor says. "Let's go then." 

Sorina grabs my wrist from behind. I turn around and twist out of it. She's actually crying now, and I force myself to look away. 

"Umbrahorn!" I yell. The shark emerges next to me. 

He doesn't look too pleased. "I heard everything," he says, crossing his fins. "I'm thinking that I'm going to stay with Sorina for now." 

"No, you're not." 

"Excuse me?" 

"Erot entrusted you to me. That means, you'll listen to me." 

"Erot did that under the assumption that you'd save his granddaughter. And, as much as I sometimes dislike the old man, his granddaughter feeds me fish every now and then. So… fuck you Raiten." 

"Is that your final answer?" 

"Absolutely." 

"Good. That makes this next part a bit easier." 

With that, I deliver a solid kick to Umbrahorn maw. He reels back, my shin smashing against his wood, sending splinters exploding outward. I don't do much damage, but the shock of it confuses him. 

Then, his eyes go mad with anger. 

Good. Very good Umbrahorn, I think, readying myself. 

I need something to hit.