Page 11: The most painful feeling in the world

When he opened the door, I couldn't believe my eyes. The small house where Valler lived alone was so tidy and clean that I couldn't imagine it being this way. Maybe it's because he's not here often, but it still surprised me.

As he went to the kitchen to make dinner, he said, 'Make yourself at home!'

Honestly, I didn't feel as comfortable in my own home. A truly independent life could be so nice. Yet, Valler has his own family.

At that moment, I noticed a charger plugged into the wall. I walked over to it and said to Valler, 'Is this the charger you were talking about?' He came out of the kitchen for a moment and looked, 'Yeah, it is. I forgot to unplug it this morning.'

I quickly took my phone out of my bag and plugged it in. I didn't know the password, but now that I had a chance to charge it, I had to use it. After that, I got up and went to the kitchen. I didn't have the same excitement about looking at my phone as I used to. I didn't haveexcitement for anything. But when I looked at his face, it was full of enthusiasm. Even though he had been awake since early morning, waiting for a single passenger, and hadn't gotten any, and even though he had spent time with me and was now trying to cook dinner for me as quickly as possible, 'It was strange to see so much enthusiasm in someone like him.'

While he was cooking, he turned to me briefly and gave me a soft smile. Then he went back to what he was doing. I felt a little embarrassed, so I decided to explore the rest of the house.

'Can I take a look around?'

He hesitated for a moment, then, with the same energy he had, looked at the room to the right of the kitchen, opposite the front door, and said, 'Sure, no problem. That room even has a balcony, so you can get some fresh air.'

I nodded and went straight to that room. The soft light of the setting sun had slightly illuminated the room, but darkness was about to envelop it. There was a white double bed, a wooden wardrobe, and several photo frames on the bedside table. The first thing that caught my eye was the bed. A double bed indicated that this house wasn't just for Valler, and that someone else, probably his wife, came here occasionally. So, that was probably why Valler tried to keep the house so clean.

After that, I went to the balcony. The second thing I wanted to see was the view of the sunset from that height and the people walking below. That's why I loved heights. I opened the glass door and took a deep breath of the cool evening air. I couldn't believe I was feeling so good after being released from prison. For a few moments, I felt like my imagination was coming back to life.

Without realizing it, I decided to think about my future plans again. Because I felt a real sense of peace. At that moment, I asked myself, how can I have this feeling forever? When I'm angry, when I'm tired of life and its problems, when I'm depressed again and lack feelings, how can I have this feeling again in a place that gives me peace?

When I was a kid, all I cared about was becoming rich when I grew up and achieving my dreams. Now that I'm older and none of those dreams have come true, I only have one dream left: to somehow guarantee my own peace forever. That's my goal in life.

Lost in thought, I took a deep breath and stepped out of the balcony. I went back to the bed and sat down. In prison, there were bunk beds, but they were never this soft and comfortable.

Automatically, my eyes fell on the photo frames. I'll be honest, I really wanted to know more about the people in Valler's life. There were three photo frames, one of which was larger than the others. The big one showed Valler with a young woman with golden hair. It was definitely his wife, and she was... really beautiful. The second one showed a little girl, and the third one showed an old man and an old woman together.

Suddenly, I heard his voice from inside the room, 'Oh, you're in here? Did you go to the balcony?

I got off the bed and moved away from the photo frames so he wouldn't think I was being weird. 'Yeah, it has a nice view, especially at sunset.'

"Sunset?!" he exclaimed, his eyes fixed on me with the same intensity. I was starting to get a little scared of his sudden stares. What was he really thinking? Then he said, "You're a very sensitive man!"

My eyes widened in surprise. I'm a depressed man, my feelings are lost, why are you saying nonsense? I was strangely upset. However, I wanted to refute his words in a way that wouldn't upset him, "I don't think so."

"Three years away from home has exhausted you, according to your own words. You just need a place to unwind!"

I was losing control of myself. It was clear this guy was like those optimistic people on social media who spout positive affirmations. I hated them. My tone was a bit sharp as I clearly disagreed with him, "There's nowhere in this world that can heal my weariness. What do you think about life?"

"A round earth where you have to reach your goals. The dreams you have."

I took a step forward and looked into his eyes with a frown. He wasn't lying, that was really his opinion. But I didn't like his opinion, "Maybe for you. Not for me!"

He answered me very quickly again. It was as if he had predicted what I was going to say and had his answers ready, "Because you're taking it too hard! You said you ran away from home because you had a fight with your family and you haven't gone back to them in three years. Don't you think they might have forgiven you, or let's say, those grudges and thoughts of yours are too old?"

I really shouldn't have told him that. When we were talking, he asked me a lot of questions. I tried to answer the questions I didn't want to reveal the truth about with lies. But the result was realities mixed with lies. At that moment, I was looking for an answer but couldn't find one. Instead, I thought more about his words. The more I thought about it, the less angry I became. It was as if it didn't really matter to me anymore.

It didn't really matter anymore what he wanted to do, what he wanted to say, or what action he would take in response. I lowered my head and told him the truth, "Three years ago, when I wanted to participate in the protests, my mother tried her best to stop me. But neither I was convinced nor she. We had a bad fight. I knew she was just playing her motherly role. But at that moment, at that very moment, I said I wished you were my mother instead of her..."

I sat on the bed in front of him, I really didn't care about his thoughts anymore. I said whatever, if he wanted to know so much about me, then I would tell him. Until now, he had treated me with kindness. Before I started to continue my words, I created a Valler in my mind who thinks slowly and logically, this way I had a higher probability that he would understand me, "...You were arrested by the police that same day. In my mind, I called out to my mother. I know it's embarrassing, but I was really scared. I spent three years in prison, a prison for political prisoners. It was very hard on me there, so much so that I don't want to remember it. That's why I say I'm a depressed man, because if I'm depressed, I don't have time to revive those feelings."

"So that's why you've been away from the city for three years. It seems like neither you nor I have good memories from three years ago!"

His words surprised me. I thought to myself, did he also participate in the protests? When I looked up, I saw a smile that looked even more special in the shadow of the setting sun. At that moment, for no reason at all, I didn't even consider the possibility that he had also been arrested three years ago. However, I didn't ask him why he said that, and I just listened. At that moment, my soul was looking for relief from its pain, not relief from someone else's pain.

Suddenly, he took his phone out of his pocket and handed it to me. He was still standing near the balcony and looked at me hopefully, "Take it. Call any number you know to contact your family."

"What?"

"People may be able to predict the future, they may be able to guess people's movements, but they can never guess what feelings they have inside. You just have to understand feelings. You don't know how your family feels about you not being around. So why don't you at least try to find out?"

"But... but I haven't called them in three years. I don't remember any of their numbers."

"Maybe that's just an act? Have you ever thought about your home number?"

My home number? Those numbers are shorter and easier to remember. That's right, I still remember the home number, if it's correct.

With a lot of doubt, I got off the bed and went towards Valler. I expressed this doubt in my words at the same time, "I'm really not sure..."

"But you got up, didn't you?"

"Because of what you said!" He laughed for a moment. Suddenly, a burning smell came from outside the room. Valler dropped the phone in surprise and rushed to the kitchen. It seemed like the dinner he was making for me was ruined because of me.

"What happened?"

As he was dealing with the pan, he gave another nervous laugh, "Oh, our dinner is burnt. If you eat meat that's very well done, you can have this, otherwise we'll have to eat something ready-made. Don't worry, just make your call."

Even though something like that happened, he still wouldn't let me go. It was as if tonight I had to find the answer to a question that had been bothering me for a long time. I ignored the atmosphere in the kitchen and went back to the balcony. By now, the sun had set even more, and most of the city lights were on. At the same time, I had to make the first difficult decision of the second phase of my life.

The phone was on, and the bright screen of the phone was calling out to me. When I typed in the home number, a strange sadness filled my mind. When I had tried once in the morning to remember at least one number, I couldn't. But now, after thinking for less than five minutes, I could remember the home number. I took a deep breath and quickly pressed the call button. Things had reached a point where I felt like I just had to do it quickly so I couldn't turn back.

The ringing from the other end of the phone caused chaos in my mind with each ring. One ring... no one answered... second ring... no one answered... third ring... still no one answered... "Hello?... Hello?"

It was a woman's voice. It was really a woman's voice! But it wasn't the voice I knew from my mother, maybe it was my sister?

"Is that Hannah?"

"Hannah? No, it's not. Who is this?"

I paused for a moment. I hesitated to introduce myself. Who was she if she was a stranger? If she didn't know me, there was no need for me to introduce myself, "I'm just one of their acquaintances. Can you please tell me who you are? I'm pretty sure I dialed the right number. Isn't this the home of Mr. and Mrs. Smith?"

"Smith?! Oh, now I remember. We bought the house from their daughter three years ago?"

I thought to myself, what does that mean? What does that mean? Did they go somewhere else in these three years? Why? Did my absence affect them that much? A question formed in my mind that I could express in several different ways. Without hesitation, I asked, "So the house doesn't belong to them anymore. Why would they sell it?"

Suddenly, I saw that she was upset and replied in a harsh tone, "Excuse me, sir, I'm really having the best night of my life right now and I really don't remember much from three years ago. The only important thing was that the daughter sold the house because of her mother's death and we bought it. That's all!"

I will never forget that moment. The moment I heard that news in two insensitive sentences. How terrible I felt after hearing it. How guilty I felt after understanding it. How much... how much... I felt someone's absence.