chapter 28

Chapter 28

I spent the week at Percys, I didn't want to go home, not yet, I needed to be able to come home and be fine. That's what I needed, I needed to be ok for him.

I tried to tell Percy that last night but he ended up talking over me with his opinions.

While in the kindest way he did so, I just wanted him to listen, even if he was he had to talk and talk and talk all night long.

I don't understand their house, his mom had come down twice with food for me and a cold glass of milk, placed on a wooden plater.

I wanted to tell her I wasn't hungry but she did the same as Percy, especially the smile they shared.

As much as I wanted to wonder what it was like, I couldn't sit and fantasize about my friends mom. That's gross.

It wasn't something I wanted, but at the same time I was jealous, for all the wrong reasons. I'm sure.

That's a thing I do all the time, I make up all these reasons and scenarios in my head, even before they have time to happen.

And I start to freak out when they begin to play out, even though I imagine them, doesn't mean I want to see it happen.

It had happened at wrens house

I knew it would happen but I still went..I'm sorry I did that wren, I didn't want to hurt you, and maybe what Percy said was true.

Maybe that is part of the way I see things

And address them, though I'm still getting better at that with Mrs camble. She makes me feel better, especially when I start to think too much, I think she can hear it, that's why she always knows when I'm doing it.

I wonder if my dad ever feels the same way, sometimes I don't think he can hear me when we talk, rather just making noises with his mouth to make me feel better, I hate it when he does that.

He came by last night to talk to me, but I wasn't ready yet, I needed to be ok before I went home with him, I want to make him feel like I'm getting better, even if Im lying.

I locked the door when he was over, if he saw me he would've been worried, i don't want to make people worried, why can't they look at me and think, no no, not think at all, they don't even have to look at me, they just don't look, they don't stare.

I told him I would come home soon, and that I wanted him to wait for me, I needed him to wait.

At least until I'm ok.

No, no that was bad..let me restart

I stayed at Percys for the weekend, I didn't want to go home yet, "damnit Ronin"... I got loud again didn't I, I think they might've heard me.

Last time Miss Percys mom, came down to ask what was wrong, I wanted to tell..I wanted to tell that I was fine "I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine, how long till they stop worrying about me, I'm fucking fine"

I hit myself again, and it hurt more than last time, but I deserved it, maybe when I'm ok again I won't hit myself. Maybe I'll feel different.

At least Mrs camble wants me to feel that way, and I'm doing everything I can to do it for her.

I want it make her happy, just like dad, maybe if I show them they'll see me different, normal.

Either way I'll hate the way it sounds when I show them, I hate my voice. It's not like right now, at least it doesn't feel that way, my dad had come by last night looking for me. And I had to use the same voice to talk to him, I had to make it loud so I could talk through the basement door I didn't open for him. I didn't want him to see me and do that thing where he treats me like a toddler. "I hate it"

No, no I don't like that at all, pretend it never happened. Just ignore it and look at this one.

This one will be better, this one is the real one Ronin.

I slept the week at Percys house, I wasn't want to go home, not yet, I needed to be able to come back home and be fine. That's what I needed, I needed to be ok for him.

I tried to tell Percy that last night but he ended up talking over me with his opinions. " God I wish he would just listen, just listen"

But how could I ever tell him that, when he always did it in the kindest way he did so, I just wanted him to listen, even if he was he had to talk and talk and talk all night long.

I don't understand their house, his mom come down twice with food for me and a cold glass of milk, placed on a wooden plater.

I wanted to tell her I wasnt hungry but she did the same as Percy, especially when in the way the the smile they shared.

As much as I wanted to wonder what it was like, I couldn't sit and fantasize about my friends mom. That's gross.

It wasn't something I wanted, but at the same time I think I was jealous, for all the wrong reasons. I'm sure.

That's a thing I do all the time, I make up all these lots of reasons and scenarios in my head, even before they have time to happen.

And and I start to freak out when they begin to play out, even though I know I do know i imagine them, doesn't mean I want to see it happen.

It had happened at wrens house it did

I knew it would happen but I still went..I'm sorry I did that wren, I didn't want to hurt you, no I didn't, and maybe what Percy said was true.

Maybe that is part of the way I see things

And address them, though I'm still getting better at that with Mrs camble. She makes me feel better, especially when I start to think too much all about, I think she can hear it, that's then she always knows I'm doing it.

I try to wonder if my dad ever feels the same way, sometimes but I'm pretty sure he I don't think he can hear me when we talk, rather just making noises with his mouth to make me feel better, I hate it when he does that. "Alot alot"

He came by last night to talk to me, but I wasn't ready yet, I needed to be ok before I went home with him, I want to make him feel like I'm getting better, even if Im lying.

I locked the door when he was over, if he saw me he would've been worried, i don't want to make people worried, why can't they look at me and think, no no, not think at all, they don't even have to look at me, they just don't look, they don't stare.

I told him I would come home soon, and that I wanted him to wait for me, I needed him to wait.

And and I start to freak out when they begin to play out, even though I know I do know i imagine them, doesn't mean I want to see it happen.

It had happened at wrens house it did

I knew it would happen but I still went..I'm sorry I did that wren, I didn't want to hurt you, no I didn't, and maybe what Percy said was true.

Maybe that is part of the way I see things

And address them, though I'm still getting better at that with Mrs camble. She makes me feel better, especially when I start to think too much all about, I think she can hear it, that's then she always knows I'm doing it.

I'll be ok.

"I cant write this Mrs camble, I can't do it.

You told me I can't use an eraser, and I made a lot of mistakes Mrs camble, I messed up".

Again.