Struggle

Jane sat alone in the guild's dimly lit chapel, her knees drawn to her chest as she leaned against one of the cold, stone pillars. The flickering light of a single candle cast shadows across her face, catching the glint of unshed tears in her eyes. The air was heavy with the scent of wax and incense, but it did nothing to calm the storm within her.

Merrick was gone.

She wiped at her face with trembling hands, a futile attempt to stave off the tears that refused to stop. He had been a constant—a mentor, a voice of reason, a source of unwavering strength when everything else had fallen apart. And now he was just another name, another face etched into her memory. Another loss in a life filled with too many of them.

Her hands clenched into fists, her nails digging into her palms as she tried to control her breathing. "I should've done more," she whispered to herself, the words breaking in her throat. "I should've stopped him. I should've—"

She shook her head violently, cutting herself off. The guilt was suffocating, but it wasn't the only thing weighing her down. There was something else, something darker and far more terrifying.

Her thoughts drifted back to Kael—no, Changra. The name felt foreign on her tongue, but it had lodged itself firmly in her mind ever since Berethia had spoken it. She didn't understand why, but there was something about him, something that gnawed at the edges of her sanity. The way he moved, the way he spoke—it was painfully familiar, and yet impossibly distant. And the way he looked at her…

Jane buried her face in her hands, her chest heaving as a wave of emotions threatened to overwhelm her. It wasn't just guilt or grief or confusion. It was something deeper, something primal and uncontrollable.

Lust.

The realization made her stomach churn, but she couldn't deny it any longer. It had been growing for months, ever since Kael had arrived at the guild. At first, she had brushed it off as curiosity—a fleeting interest in the mysterious stranger who seemed so lost and yet so capable. But it wasn't curiosity anymore. It was need. A desperate, aching need that only grew stronger every time she saw him, every time she heard his voice.

"What's wrong with me?" she whispered, her voice shaking. "Why am I like this?"

She pressed her hands to her temples, as if she could physically push the thoughts away. But they only grew louder, more insistent. Images of him filled her mind—his smile, his laughter, the way he had stood defiant even in the face of overwhelming odds. She hated herself for it, hated the way her body betrayed her every time she thought of him.

And yet, there was a part of her that didn't want to stop.

Jane's breathing quickened, and she squeezed her eyes shut, trying to block out the flood of emotions. "It's not real," she muttered to herself. "It's just… something's wrong with me. It's not real."

But deep down, she knew the truth. It was real. Too real. And it was growing stronger with every passing day.

The soft creak of the chapel door startled Jane, and she quickly wiped her face, hoping to mask the turmoil that surely showed in her expression. She turned her head as Elara stepped inside, her silver hair catching the faint candlelight. The guild leader's sharp eyes immediately settled on her, a flicker of concern crossing her otherwise stern features.

"Jane," Elara said softly, her voice cutting through the oppressive silence. "How are you holding up?"

Jane swallowed hard, her throat dry. "I'm fine," she said, her voice unconvincing even to herself. "I just needed some space."

Elara's lips pressed into a thin line as she approached, her boots echoing softly against the stone floor. She lowered herself onto the bench beside Jane, her presence both grounding and intimidating. "You don't have to lie to me," she said gently. "I know how much Merrick meant to you."

Jane bit her lip, her gaze dropping to her lap. "He was… everything. A father, a guide, a friend. I don't know how to move on without him."

Elara nodded slowly, her expression softening. "You're not alone, Jane. None of us are. We all lost something when Merrick fell."

Jane hesitated, her hands gripping the edge of the bench tightly. "It's not just him," she admitted, her voice barely above a whisper. "There's something wrong with me."

Elara's eyes narrowed slightly, her head tilting as she studied Jane. "What do you mean?"

Jane clenched her fists, her knuckles turning white. "It's Kael—or Changra, or whoever he is. There's something about him that I can't stop thinking about. It's… overwhelming. And it's not just thoughts. It's…" She trailed off, unable to finish the sentence.

Elara didn't respond immediately, her gaze unreadable as she absorbed Jane's words. Finally, she sighed, leaning back slightly. "I suspected this might happen."

Jane's head snapped up, her eyes wide. "What do you mean?"

Elara's expression was calm but guarded. "Jane, I've been watching you for some time now. Your behavior, your reactions… they're not your fault. You're not the only one struggling with this." She hesitated for a moment, as if weighing her next words carefully. "You're manifesting Lust."

The word hung in the air, heavy and damning. Jane's breath caught in her throat, her chest tightening as the truth she had tried so desperately to deny was laid bare.

"No," she whispered, shaking her head. "That's not… I'm not…"

Elara placed a hand on her shoulder, firm but not unkind. "It's not your fault, Jane. The Sins find their hosts through circumstances beyond our control. You've suffered so much loss, so much pain, and now Changra's presence has… amplified something within you."

Jane stared at her, her mind reeling. "But I don't want this," she said, her voice cracking. "I don't want to become like Berethia."

"You won't," Elara said firmly. "Not if we can help it. But you need to confront this head-on, before it consumes you. Denial will only make it worse."

Tears welled in Jane's eyes, and she looked away, her shoulders trembling. "I don't know how," she admitted. "It feels like it's already taking over."

Elara squeezed her shoulder gently. "We'll figure it out. Together. But you need to trust me, and you need to trust yourself."

Jane nodded weakly, though the fear and doubt in her heart didn't abate. "I'll try," she said, her voice barely audible.

Elara rose to her feet, her gaze lingering on Jane. "Get some rest," she said. "And stay close to Changra. He may not realize it, but you both need each other more than ever."

The chapel felt colder as Jane sat there, Elara's words still echoing in her mind. Lust. The word didn't just sting—it gnawed at her, a reminder of something dark and uncontrollable within her. She had to do something. She couldn't let herself fall into the same abyss that Berethia had, becoming consumed by her Sin until there was nothing left of who she used to be.

Jane stood slowly, her legs shaky but determined. Her gaze drifted toward the dim corridor leading to the infirmary. Changra—or Kael, or whoever he was—was still there, unconscious, fighting battles she couldn't begin to imagine. She clenched her fists, resolve hardening in her chest. If he could fight through his pain, then so could she.

She slipped out of the chapel and into the quiet halls of Eclipsevane, her footsteps echoing softly against the stone floor. The guild was eerily silent, most of its members either out on missions or still reeling from recent losses. The air felt heavy, as though the walls themselves were mourning.

When Jane reached the infirmary, she hesitated. The door was slightly ajar, the faint glow of lantern light spilling into the corridor. Taking a deep breath, she pushed it open, stepping inside.

Changra lay on the cot, his face pale and his breathing shallow. He looked so small, so fragile—nothing like the defiant boy who had stood against Berethia or the enigma who had fought alongside her in the corridors of Eclipsevane. And yet, even in his unconscious state, there was a strength about him, a sense of resilience that made her chest tighten.

Jane pulled up a chair and sat beside him, her hands resting in her lap. For a long moment, she just stared, her mind a whirlwind of thoughts.

"I don't know if you can hear me," she said softly, her voice barely above a whisper. "But I'm sorry. For everything. For not being strong enough. For not understanding. For… whatever it is that's happening to me."

She leaned forward, her elbows resting on her knees. "You'd probably laugh if I told you how much of a mess I am right now. Or maybe you'd make one of those stupid jokes, the ones that are so bad they're actually funny. Either way, I'd take it. I'd take anything just to hear your voice."

Her throat tightened, and she looked away, blinking back tears. "I don't know how to help you, or even if I can. But I'm going to try. Even if it means fighting this… thing inside me. Even if it means dragging you back from wherever you are. I'm not giving up on you."

The words felt hollow, but she forced herself to say them anyway. She needed to believe them, even if part of her didn't. She reached out, her fingers brushing against his hand. His skin was cold, but the faint pulse beneath it was steady.

"I don't know who you really are," she admitted. "Kael, Changra… maybe it doesn't matter. What matters is that you're here. And I'll be damned if I let you slip away."

Her gaze hardened, determination replacing the doubt in her eyes. She didn't know where to start or how to fix what was broken, but she would find a way. For him, for herself, for everyone who had already been lost.

Jane let out a shaky breath, leaning back in her chair. Her eyes never left Changra's face as she spoke, her voice trembling with a mix of frustration and sorrow.

"Three years," she whispered, her fingers curling into fists. "Three years I spent looking for you. Wondering if you were even alive, hoping against hope that I'd see you again. And now… here you are. Right in front of me. And I can't do a damn thing to help you."

Her voice broke, and she pressed her hand to her mouth, trying to steady herself. "Do you have any idea what it was like? Every lead we followed, every rumor we chased… and every time, it wasn't you. But I didn't stop. I couldn't stop."

She looked down, her hands trembling in her lap. "There were nights I thought I'd lost my mind. Nights where I'd see your face in my dreams and wake up thinking you were there, only to realize I was still alone. And then there were the times I thought… maybe you didn't want to be found. Maybe you were safer that way."

A bitter laugh escaped her lips, and she shook her head. "Turns out, I was half right. You didn't want to be found. You made yourself someone else entirely—Kael. You hid, and you were happy. And who could blame you? After everything you went through, you deserved that. You deserved peace."

Her eyes burned with unshed tears, but she didn't let them fall. "And now, I've taken that away from you. Just by being here. Just by existing."

She leaned forward again, her elbows on her knees, her voice dropping to a whisper. "But I had to. I had to find you. Because even if you were happy, even if you were safe… I couldn't let you go. I couldn't forget you."

Jane's gaze softened as she reached out again, her fingers brushing against his hand. "But now that I've found you, it's like nothing's changed. You're still out of reach, still fighting battles I can't even begin to understand. And I'm just… here. Watching. Helpless."

She closed her eyes, her voice trembling. "I don't know what to do, Changra. I don't know how to fix this. But I can't lose you again. Not after everything."

The silence that followed was deafening, broken only by the faint sound of Changra's breathing. Jane tightened her grip on his hand, as if afraid he might slip away if she let go.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, her voice barely audible. "I'm sorry I couldn't find you sooner. I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough. But I'll do whatever it takes to bring you back. I promise."

Her words hung in the air, a quiet vow made to the boy who had changed everything for her. She didn't know if he could hear her, but she hoped—prayed—that he could.

Jane's grip on Changra's hand tightened, her knuckles whitening. Her voice was softer now, tinged with a deep sadness that felt heavier with each word.

"I think about them every day," she began, her voice trembling. "Tessa, Callen, Liora… Merrick. Even Berethia, before she became… what she was. They didn't deserve what happened to them. None of them did. And neither did you."

Her eyes filled with unshed tears as she stared at Changra's face, searching for any sign that he could hear her. "You've been through so much already, haven't you? Even before any of this. I don't know what happened to you before you came to Elakia, but I can see it. In your eyes, in the way you carry yourself. It haunts you. Whatever it was… it's still with you."

She let out a shaky breath, her shoulders trembling. "And I hate that I don't know what it is. I hate that I don't know how to help you. All I can do is sit here and watch while you fight this… this thing inside of you. And I'm terrified that I'll lose you again."

Jane closed her eyes, the memories flooding back. "I remember how Tessa used to joke that you were the stubbornest person she'd ever met. How Callen would always defend you, even when everyone else doubted you. How Liora would get that little smile when you said something ridiculous, even if she pretended not to care."

Her voice broke, and she covered her mouth with her free hand, trying to steady herself. "And Merrick… he saw something in you. Something none of us could fully understand, but he believed in it. He believed in you. He gave his life for us, for you. And I can't even tell him how much I miss him."

She lowered her hand, her eyes glistening as she looked at Changra again. "Even Berethia… I know she hurt us. I know she took so much from us. But I saw glimpses of who she used to be. There was a part of her that wanted to change, that wanted to be saved. And I think you saw it too."

Jane leaned closer, her voice dropping to a whisper. "But none of that should've been your burden. You shouldn't have had to carry all of that on your shoulders. You're just a boy. A boy who's lost too much, who's been through too much."

Her hands trembled as she held his, her tears finally spilling over. "I don't know how to take that pain away from you. I don't know how to make it better. All I know is that you don't deserve this. You didn't deserve any of it."

The silence stretched between them, thick with grief and regret. Jane's gaze fell to the floor, her voice barely audible as she added, "I just wish I could understand. I wish I could help you. But I don't even know where to start."

She closed her eyes, her tears falling freely now, as the weight of everything pressed down on her. "I just want you to know, Changra, that I'm here. And I'll keep fighting for you, even if I don't know how. Even if it means losing myself."