Chapter Twenty - A Suicidal Temptation

POV Liliya

What would I have done? I wonder... If someone had told me this morning, when I woke up, that my worst nightmare was going to come true today... How would I have reacted? On one hand... it's better not to know! After all, we could make a whole world with just 'what ifs...' But right now, I would really love to make a world with just one "what if..." only one! But of course, that's not possible!

Yet, I'm a traveler, you'll say to me... But guess what? Sniff! I'm not powerful enough! What a joke! I can cast spells all day, but I'm incapable of bringing my golyam brat back to life! (Big brother!) What's the point of having powers if I can't even do anything really useful? Kurva! (Fuck!) I'm really pathetic as a traveler! The worst! Pitiful!

But Aleko... you're just a shiban lŭzhets! (fucking liar!) You promised... You promised you would never leave me alone! Lŭzhets! (Liar!) Seriously, why did you go on that damn horseback ride! Spirit killed you, kurva! That horse you trained and tamed... It finally killed you! Kurva! I hate it! And Tristan, he couldn't have been more careful on the road! You shouldn't have been riding a horse on such muddy and unstable ground! He's responsible for your death too! I hate him too! And I'm not even talking about Katerina! Your wife, carrying your child! She could have stopped you! She should have! She too is responsible for your death! I…

Laĭna! (Shit!) What am I saying? Katerina has nothing to do with it... She didn't ask for anything from anyone, and I'm blaming her for everything! Talk about being a best friend! Even that, I'm the worst! Tristan isn't to blame either, nor is Spirit! No one could have known what would happen! And yet, I'm blaming everyone and everything that moves! I'm truly pathetic!

I'm at the lake. Yes, this lake I've been coming to since I was a little girl... The one where I first trained as a traveler! It's also where I became friends with Katerina! Where I played in the water with Aleko... Where I learned to swim with Aleko... Where Aleko asked me to be Nadia's godmother... In short, I'm at the place where I have the most memories…

It's pretty painful to think back on all the laughter and the good times I spent here with Aleko. Yet, this is the only place I need to be! It's the only place where I feel Aleko close to me. 

At home, Aleko's presence was already like that of a ghost, since he lived with Katerina in their house. But knowing that now, he really is a ghost, it twists my stomach…

Aleko is dead. And even my magic can't do anything! I've tried! Several times, even! But my nose bleeds quickly, and the dizziness forces me to stop the incantation. And when it's neither of those, my magic refuses to work! Kurva! It's so frustrating! Sniff! I'm so tired of this!

If you were here, Aleko, I feel like you'd be shouting at me to stop cursing all the time! I promise you, Aleko, if you come back, I'll never say anything like that again... I'll behave better! I'll even start doing embroidery if you want! But come back! I'll do whatever you want! I'll even be less picky about meals! But seriously, what am I supposed to do without you, Aleko? I need you! It's selfish of you to leave me like this! I can't... I can't live without you... I'm not strong enough... I'm weak, I am!

Slowly, I get closer to the water, and I can now see my reflection. My brown hair is going every which way despite my braid, my complexion is paler than usual, my eyes are red and empty, and I won't even mention my almost blue lips. It's been raining all day, and I'm barely dressed for the weather.

Slowly, I take the laces off my shoes; they're stained with mud and very worn. Tatko bought them at the same time as Aleko's; we even had the same ones... Another thing to remind me of him!

"- Liliya! Please, don't do this!" Natalia cried from a little farther away.

What's it to her? I want to be left alone, is that too much to ask?

"- Natalia, leave me alone!"

"- If you do this, Katerina won't recover, just like your parents! Even my family cares about you! I understand that it's..."

"- NO! You can't understand! You don't know the pain of losing a loved one, especially not your older sibling! You don't know anything, so just get out of here!"

Barely finishing my tirade, I didn't give Natalia a chance to process my accusations and jumped into the lake, despite the very cold temperature.

My first reflex once in the water was to rise back up, but I stopped myself, remembering that this was my choice! I want to die and join Aleko. Slowly, my air ran out, and little by little, I felt the darkness take over me...

I'm so sorry, Katerina... I wasn't as strong as you thought...

Discord: https://discord.gg/6bhmTrCgpq

Recruitment:

Positions are paid.

Translator: Translate Spanish, Portuguese, Korean, Japanese, Chinese and French. To English.

Proofreader: Proofread and correct the translation (grammar, punctuation, etc.).

Experience is not mandatory. 

In case you are interested, we are also training for the positions of editors (Typper), translators, and Manhwa cleaners.

3 advanced chapters on Patreon.

Patreon (+3): Azeneth2523