The Unspoken Pain

Its been 8 years since that tragedy hit our family. We lost Alice and that is the start of everything. My mother has been in mental hospital since then. I rarely visit her as its my last year of high school and I am in my exam week. Even though it's not everyday, father still able to spend some of his time to visit her. Its good that she has someone she familiar around her.

But mother condition just get worse, its seem that she would even do self-harm now. I am trully worry that she is too blaming herself for what happen. Father told me to focus to my study and start visiting her after i finished my exam so i did. 

Its my last exam, after this, i will visit her right way. I miss her so much.

As soon as it ended. I rushed to hail a taxi. My heart pounding as to meet her after so long. Before going to the hospital, I go to a supermarket first to buy some fruit.

I arrive at the hospital, I am suprised by the heavy atmosphere here, the nurse look exhausted with the the bags under their eyes more pronounced. Plus the scream among patient, crying and laughter. My thought filler with worry, is mother really alright living here. She hate noises and didn't prefer crowd.

As i walked to the counter, I asked one of the nurse to show me the way to my mother's room and thanked her.

As I enters the room, I was suprised, shocked and deeply troubled by the sight before me. Her condition is much worse than what my father told me.

My mother is sitting blankly while looking outside of the window. I initially struck by the sight of her frail and disheveled state.

She sat in a small, stark room, her eyes vacant and glazed, her usually beautiful hair disheveled, and her once vibrant face looking lifeless and drawn. The air of the room felt heavy and oppressive, like a thick fog of sadness and despair that I could almost taste.

I barely recognized the woman who had once been a warm, loving mother to me, now transformed into a shell of herself by the cruel grip of losing Alice.

I feel disbelief. Is this truly my mother?

But somehow, I decided to push all of my thought for now and focus what infront of me.

"How do you feel mother? Are you already adapt to living here? Is everything okey here?"

"Tadaaaa!"

"Here, look at this mother!, I bring you a friuts! And guess what?! Its your favourite!, dragon fruit. I had a reallyyyy hard time getting it. Do you want to eat it now?

Mother continued looking outside. It as if she didn't even see me here.

"Mother? Motherrrr…" I repeat .

Then, I walk infront of her to attact her attention.

As I look straight to her eyes, she look lifeless, it as if she isn't even here to begin with. I am struck with madness but I tried my best to control it.

"Motherrr…Why are you ghosting me? Are you mad at me? I am so sorry, I am so busy with exam." I said with a persuade tone.

However she still continue to ignoring me?

"WHY?!"

I go as low as to persuade her, acting cute and everything but she ignoring me?

I am already tired with the exam, I haven't even able to sleep for 3 whole days to study and rush to hospital first thing first instead of taking rest and sleep.

"JUST WHY?!"

As I stands there, wrestling with my own emotions, added with the urge to confront my mother becomes overwhelming. The words spill out in a rush, fueled by a mix of frustration, disappointment, and pain.

"Why are you like this!?"

"Do you still remember about her!?"

"Why do you still mourn her like you forgot about me? I'm here, I'm alive!

You still have one CHILD left, CAN'T you see that?!"

The words hang in the air, echoed by a heavy silence. My mother's expression remains unchanged, her eyes still vacant and distant.

I am fueled by anger and frustration, ended up raises my voice.

"ANSWER ME! Haven't I done everything you asked? Haven't I been a good son? Why can't you see that I need you too!?"

Mother's mouth twitches slightly, an almost imperceptible movement as if she's trying to respond but the words are lost in the fog of her mind. My heart sinks, frustration replaced by a sense of helplessness.

"I can't do this anymore. I can't continue to watch you slip away, trapped in your grief. I'm your son, I'm HERE!" I cry out, my voice cracking with emotion.

"Pleaseee…" I plea.

My words hang in the air , my eyes searching for any sign of recognition in my mother's gaze. But the mother remains unresponsive, her mind still a prison of grief.

The room seems to close in around me, the weight of my words and mother's silence suffocating me. I take a step back, the realization of the depth of my mother's pain and my own inability to reach her sinking in.

"This is pointless," I murmur, my shoulders slumping in defeat.

Despite the undeniable truth. I still felt a bitter pang of disappointment and frustration as I saw my mother trapped in the clutches of losing Alice. It wasn't fair that she still seemed to hold onto the memory of Alice, while forgetting my own existence.

The unfairness of it all seared through my heart like a hot knife, leaving a deep wound that refused to heal. How could she continue to mourn the loss of her, while seemingly forgetting that she still had a living, breathing child who also loved her and needed her?

"She should brace herself, accept the reality! She should realize that she still had another SON . IT ISN'T FAIR. Alice already DIED but she just!"…..

"Ahhhh…."

"What… what am i getting mad for?"

"She is sick!"

This isn't like me. I must have getting too stress lately because of exam.

"I shouldn't have done that. I shouldn't have raise my voice. I shouldn't even supposed mad at her."

"I should have been more understanding of her condition!"

"Haaaa…"

"I… I should go back now mother."

I turns around, my heart heavy with disappointment and heartache.

I take one last glance at the mother, hoping for a flicker of recognition or a hint of the woman she once was. But her eyes remain vacant, and her expression unchanged.

"Haaaa…"

With a deep sigh, I slowly makes my way out of the room, each step feeling like a weight bearing down on my chest.

[Thud!]

The door closes behind my with a hollow thud, trapping my mother in her own world of grief and leaving me feeling more alone than ever.

"I am so sorry mother"