Bon Bao - Halfway Through Inhaling Lunch

Halfway through inhaling his lunch, Bon Bao looked up at an old chandelier. According to his best recollection, the chandelier was a blackened hunk of twisted iron. He felt certain his recollection was correct, because he once told Ri Ran it was the sort of thing the leader of a long-forgotten demonic sect would sit under while plotting his revenge on the world. Ri Ran included it in one of his paintings.

Bon Bao set down his rice bowl.

"Mousy Rascal," he said.

"Answering Lord Bon," said Ri Ran.

"Does that chandelier look right to you?"

Ri Ran looked – and then looked again.

"It's not right," he said.

Other starving students at the table put down their fried chicken rice bowls and studied the chandelier. Wasn't it the same as it had always been? No one could say for sure. Ri Ran got up and walked over to stand directly under the chandelier. That made Bon Bao nervous. He got up and pulled the mousy rascal back.

"It's not right," said Ri Ran. "It's more… I'm not sure."

"No," said Bon Bao. "It's less damaged."

Pin Fun materialized beside them. Starving students gasped. 

"Do you actually move," asked Bon Bao, "or just appear where you're going?"

"That depends," said Pin Fun. "Are you saying there's been a development with this chandelier after you invoked that anonymous third person?"

"I'm saying the brass is no longer black," said Bon Bao. "It looks like a real antique, now."

"That's right!" agreed the starving students.

"Middle Lechun Dynasty," said Pin Fun. "The inscriptions are refined."

"Is it worth more than one of Ri Ran's paintings?" asked Bon Bao.

"No," said Pin Fun. "But it doesn't belong in student housing. We're doomed."

The starving students wailed in despair.

"You think the Princess came here and restored our chandelier?" asked Bon Bao.

"Yes," said Pin Fun.

"Ridiculous!" cried Bon Bao. "Why would an elevated being restore one chandelier?"

"She wouldn't," said Pin Fun.

"Then…!" protested Bon Bao.

"This is only the beginning," said Pin Fun.

"Fine," said Bon Bao. "We've been distracted by great sex and ghost stories. You said you and your martial brothers got drugged and then abducted. That sounds like the sort of thing Jian Peak Abbey twinks should expect. Expecting it, shouldn't you be prepared?"

"Lord Bon," said Pin Fun, "I was prepared."

Bon Bao chuckled.

"Fine," he said. "What about the other three?"

"Lord Bon," said Little Pin. "They were virgins. Only some of Jian Peak Abbey's monks serve in the capacity of Blossoming Flower Knight. Most are there to provide cover for the Abbey's high-end escort services by killing people."

"It's refreshing to hear the business model stated bluntly," said Bon Bao. "What happened?"

Pin Fun narrated his tale. After reluctantly parting company with Lord Bon, Little Pin and the others followed Magistrate Berge's advice and left Tianming Town aboard an river boat headed toward the coast. A couple hundred feet long, it offered superior nightlife experiences and numerous gambling tables. A couple days out of town, they had worn out their welcome at the gambling tables. They therefore disembarked, spent the night in a riverside bed-and-breakfast, then headed south. Their intention was to travel to Xianxi Town, and take a river boat on the Meng to the coast.

After another day traveling, they stopped at an inn. It was full of unremarkable people. The liquor was of unremarkable quality. Although Pin Fun experienced a moment of doubt, it was too easily dismissed as just another abduction fantasy. Hidden behind the unremarkable liquor's kick, however, was a remarkably good disabling drug. Rather than take effect immediately, the drug amplified natural sleep patterns. After going to bed none the wiser, Pin Fun woke up in a barrel on a wagon.

Then knockout drug's lingering effects made it difficult to think straight, but Little Pin's experience with Jian Peak Abbey's more unscrupulous customers had given him strong resistances. While his translocation step techniques required him to see where he was going, his misty form did not. If the barrel had been airtight, he would have been in trouble.

"Fortunately," he said, "they wanted to abduct us alive."

After escaping the barrel as a beautiful puff of mist, Pin Fun checked the other barrels in his wagon. He found no sign of his companions. Furthermore, he saw no other wagons. Rather than float away as mist, which might have been detected, he used his translocation techniques to reach a clump of trees. The wagon continued on without him none the wiser.

"Did you follow it?" asked Bon Bao.

"All the way back to Tianming Town," said Pin Fun. "But it disappeared into a tunnel. Worried that I would get in over my head, I came looking for you."

"Why me?"

"Lord Bon," said Pin Fun. "You're amazing."

The starving students agreed Lord Bon was amazing.

"Jian Peak Abbey is the most pretentious of the Sacred Mountain Conclave's sects," said Bon Bao. "Everybody hates you."

"Twink envy," said Pin Fun.

"It means there's no shortage of suspects," said Bon Bao.

"I am suspicious of Magistrate Berge," said Pin Fun.

"He wouldn't have known that you would take his advice," said Bon Bao, "and even if you did take his advice, he didn't tell you how to leave the city. Or to get off the boat. Or to head to Xianxi Town."

"I don't think it was about Jian Peak Abbey," said a starving student.

"Several heroes have gone missing," observed another.

Other students nodded.

"It's obvious they were prepared," said Ri Ran. "It's a vast hero-abducting conspiracy."

"Any idea who sells that kind of disabling drug?" asked Bon Bao.

"Raggedy Star Alliance sells all kinds of baleful substances," said Pin Fun. "They're also good at conspiracies. But I'm pretty good at picking up on their vibe. There's always a funky odor."

"You said 'baleful substances.'"

"I did," agreed Pin Fun.

"If Raggedy Star is kidnapping heroes," said Bon Bao, "they'd have to be careful. Being careful isn't really Raggedy Star Alliance's style."

A naked starving student ran into the dinning hall and insisted everyone had to go to the baths. He was greeted with skepticism. The baths were never popular. The messenger insisted. The cold dingy baths had become a steamy, romantic paradise. He would have let everyone know sooner, but that would have required him to leave steamy paradise sooner. People even reported hearing music, though the messenger had not. Expecting duplicity, the dining room sent a scout. Later, the scout returned covered in beads of hot water.

"It's true!" he declared.

The dining room investigated. It was true. The miserable baths had been transformed into a steamy, romantic paradise. Even starving students who had gotten their washing out of the way earlier ripped off their clothes and washed again. Bon Bao stretched and flexed while Pin Fun and a student assistant scrubbed Bon Bao's back. The Flower Knight paused and leaned forward. No sooner had the twink opened his perfect mouth, however, than Bon Bao slipped a finger into it.

"I get it," he said. "The Princess has fixed our baths. I'm not seeing a downside."

"Not yet," said Pin Fun.