CHAPTER/21

With my suitcase in hand, I stood frozen in front of the door of my village house. There was no one to open this desolate home. I used to love coming here. Breathing in the scent of the village, calming my body, being greeted by the vibrant flowers and rows of tangerine and orange trees in the large garden—it all used to feel like a haven. But now, all that remained were dried weeds and sun-scorched trees. It felt like the outward reflection of my inner life.

They say people run from what they fear. I had thrown myself into this place without even knowing how to hide. Rize had always been good for me, but the absence of those who should have welcomed me here, and the knowledge that they would never be here again, felt unbearable.

I couldn't summon the courage to step inside. The rusty patches on the blue iron gate saddened me, and the peeling paint on the walls deepened my melancholy as I turned my head side to side. This home, which once brought me peace, had long since crumbled spiritually. With grief and anger, I dropped my tightly clutched suitcase. When I looked down at my hands and saw the whiteness of my knuckles, I was startled. How tightly had I been gripping it?

"Merve?"

The sound of the voice made me turn around. Seeing Elif standing there brought a bittersweet smile to my face. Her short, blonde hair, lightly freckled face, blue eyes, and tall, elegant figure made her a beautiful girl. Her mother had admired mine so much when they first met that she named her daughter Elif, hoping she'd grow up to be like her. Elif had always been my only friend here, the one who took care of me whenever I came to visit. She ran to me in disbelief and hugged me tightly, and I hugged her back.

"I can't believe it! It's really you. I missed you so much, my friend. I'm so glad you came."

I wanted to hold her tighter, to show how much I'd missed her, but I was too overwhelmed to speak. I could feel it in the tears slipping down my cheeks. Elif pulled away from the hug, wiped my tears, and pressed a warm kiss to my cheek.

"Cry, my dear. I won't tell you not to. Come, let's sit down."

I shook my head no, held her delicate wrist gently, and looked deeply into her eyes.

"Will you take me to them?"

Her eyes mirrored the sadness in mine, softened by a quiet compassion. She nodded slightly.

"Alright, my dear. Come."

She linked her arm with mine and nudged me to walk. As we passed through the lush tea fields, the scent of tea filled my senses. I had always believed in scent memory. I could almost hear my aunt and me fumbling with the tea shears, and my grandfather scolding us, worried I'd hurt myself. Elif's sudden stop pulled me out of my thoughts. My face felt damp, and I realized I'd been crying again. It seemed my tears wouldn't stop flowing.

"Kemal Yılmaz, Fatma Yılmaz."

Not even death could separate them. I traced the gravestones with my fingers, feeling the cold stone send chills through me as I circled around them. Kneeling at their graves, I broke down, sobbing harder.

"I'm sorry. I couldn't be with you in your final moments. I couldn't do it—I didn't have the courage. When I heard the news, I didn't come. Forgive me. Forgive me so I can end this war within myself. I can't bear it anymore. Look at me, helpless and pathetic, left all alone. You always told me to trust in the Creator, that He knows best in everything He does. But how can I trust Him when everyone I love is gone? What did I do to deserve all this pain?"

I stopped. I had screamed so loudly while pouring out my heart that I thought my throat might tear. Clutching handfuls of soil in one hand and sobbing uncontrollably, I felt the weight of my sorrow crushing me. Elif, who I'd forgotten was there, seemed to understand my silence and embraced me. The despair had settled over me like a suffocating shroud, and I realized my suffering would never end.

Despite only being here for a few days, I already missed Istanbul so much. I merely exhaled at the inner voice asking, "Istanbul, or something else?" Sometimes we avoid questions we already know the answers to, and that's exactly what I was doing now. I had stayed at Elif's place, unable to resist her insistence on not leaving me alone, but it was time to move back to my own home. Gently lifting my head off the pillow, I dangled my feet off the bed and gripped the quilt with my hands, staring at the ceiling, which had patches peeling off due to dampness. I used to like staying in this house; it was small but had a comforting vibe.

While these thoughts swirled in my mind, I couldn't help but think about Furkan. Leaving him behind had brought a lifelong regret with it. My heart felt like it was wrapped in barbed wire. Saying yes to him would have imprisoned him, and I couldn't bear such selfishness. With a deep sigh, I got out of bed, feeling like I was being dragged into a dead end. I wondered which shore I would eventually wash up on.

When I stepped out of the room and saw the breakfast spread in the living room, my appetite surged. From butter and honey to village cheeses and muhlama, there were countless delicious options. Pulling the cloth over my knees, I settled down at the table. As Elif poured tea, she began to speak.

"Hey, I've got an idea. If you don't have any plans, let's head to the city center. You've been at home since you arrived. What do you say?"

Her offer sounded appealing, and I was on the verge of getting bored myself.

"I was planning to go to the center for some shopping today, actually. That sounds perfect."

As I enjoyed the delightful breakfast, I was also making plans in my head. Somehow, I had to learn what was happening in Istanbul. No matter how much I tried to avoid it, I couldn't help but be curious. I had called Büşra once, and she had said she had no news about Furkan. I kept repeating to myself that I was doing the right thing; otherwise, I couldn't make peace with it.

When Elif waved her hands quickly in front of my face, I reflexively shook my head. As always, I had lost myself in the battle inside my mind.

"Hello? If you don't want to walk to the center, hurry up, or we'll miss the bus."

We quickly finished breakfast, tidied up the table, and dressed appropriately before heading toward the minibus stop. Elif had said it would depart near the local authority office, so we started walking. Neither of us spoke. As we walked along dirt roads, my feet occasionally kicked small stones. Despite it being summer, the air was misty, and I felt a strange unease inside me. Choosing to ignore it, I kept walking.

When we boarded the minibus, people stared at me with curious eyes. In a small place like this, it was normal for strangers to get such looks, so I wasn't surprised. Elif must have noticed, as she giggled, and I reciprocated with a smile. Leaning my head against the window, I silently enjoyed the breathtaking scenery, watching the deep blue sea glimmer between lush green trees.

When we arrived at the center, that strange feeling returned.

"What's wrong, Merve? You look worried," Elif asked, her voice tinged with concern.

"I have this weird feeling…"

Before I could finish, I saw Emre standing in front of me. Seeing him here made me furious. I raised my right hand and stormed toward him.

"What are you doing here?" I demanded, while he grinned cheerfully in response.

"Well, hello to you too," he said, adjusting the collar of his blue shirt with his left hand while holding a bouquet of flowers in his right. He extended the bouquet to me arrogantly, but I slapped it away, letting it fall to the ground.

"Are you mocking me? How did you find out I was here?" His face shifted to a serious expression, his anger now evident.

"What do you mean, running away, Merve? I don't understand you. I came all this way just for you, and you're questioning me? I'm dying here—don't you see that? I'm sorry! I've told you a thousand times that there's nothing between Aslı and me! There can't be. I love you! Why can't you understand that?"

He was still the same Emre I knew—raising his voice to make me admit he was right. But I wasn't going to yield.

"Enough! I don't want to hear any more. Yes, you're right; there's nothing between you and her. When I caught you in that room that night, you were both so 'respectable' that you didn't even have clothes to separate yourselves. I hate you for making me talk about this in the middle of the street. Now, go back to whatever hell you came from!"

Tears streamed down my face again—not because I still loved him or because his actions still hurt me, but because I was crying over my own foolishness. How could I have let these words spill out so uncontrollably? Even when I closed my eyes, I didn't want to think about what he'd done, and yet here I was, making myself vulnerable all over again.

"I love you. Isn't that enough for you? How could you forget me so quickly?"

My mouth moved without waiting for my brain's command.

"Where were you when my mom and dad died? Or when my grandparents passed away? Or when my aunt, uncle, and cousin were gone? Where were you? Coming later and claiming to be there for me means nothing, Emre. Isn't that enough of a reason for you?"

Even as I shouted these words with all my might, my voice grew quieter toward the end, the lump in my throat growing larger. I turned to Elif, signaling with my hand that we should leave, and began walking away. Emre grabbed my arm, pulling me back toward him.

"You're right! You're right about everything. But I'm sorry, okay? You don't understand—or maybe you don't want to. Let me show you how serious I am."

As he finished speaking, he dropped to his knees. Before I could process what was happening, he pulled out a small box from his pocket. I prayed he wasn't about to do what I thought he was—but he was. Opening the box, I saw the diamond ring inside.

"Will you marry me, Merve?"

With a bittersweet smile, he focused on my response. My delay wasn't due to indecision but rather shock at the absurdity of the situation. Regaining my composure, I steadied my voice and replied.

"Look, Emre. What you did doesn't hurt me anymore, nor does it wound me. In fact, you know what? I've already forgiven you. Whether you cheated on me or not doesn't really matter to me now. But this… this situation, being here like this, it's both embarrassing and shocking for me. I didn't expect this from you. But I'm sorry—I can't wear that ring and pretend to belong to you when my heart belongs to someone else."

After finishing my words, I turned and walked away. Elif followed without hesitation. Without even glancing back, I kept moving forward. When Elif caught up with me, I smirked, and she stared at me blankly before finally speaking.

"So, where to now?"

This time, she slung her arm over my shoulder and responded with a chuckle.

"Wow! You really are something, Merve. If you can put a diamond in its place like that, people better be careful around you."

Her words made me laugh softly.

"Don't exaggerate, Elif. I just treated him the way he deserved—for the first time in my life."

She looked at me with a puzzled expression.

"For the first time? What do you mean by that? I can't imagine you ever being unfair to anyone."

The sun now shone brightly, scattering the mist. Wiping the slight sweat off my forehead, I pushed my hair back. Rize was a city where you could experience all four seasons in a single day.

"If only you knew," I muttered.