CHAPTER/29

"Aren't you going to say anything?" My voice came out weaker than I expected. I spoke to him without standing up, and his insistence on not looking at me was the biggest proof that he knew everything.

"Say something, Furkan! Tell me it's not what I think!" I went up to him and started hitting his chest with my hands. He neither spoke nor looked at me.

"Tell me my father didn't kill yours?" I was shouting so loudly that my throat was tearing apart.

"Tell me I didn't approach you knowing this? Tell me I didn't hide it from you?" My hands, which were hitting his chest, could no longer move. I simply leaned against him, knowing this was the end. My hands lingered a little longer on his chest, stalling.

"Furkan, please, look at me! Deny it! Deny it so I can stop feeling like a fool." I stepped away from him and turned my back, angrily running my fingers through my hair, pulling at the roots. Maybe physical pain would mask the agony inside me, but the fire within me didn't even flicker.

"Was everything a lie? Did you ever think to yourself, 'What a pathetic girl'? Did you pity me? Tell me, didn't your heart ache when you looked me in the eye and said you loved me?"

His continued silence drove me crazy. Without thinking, I grabbed the vase on the table and hurled it at his feet. The shattered glass hit his legs one by one, yet he didn't even flinch. The more silent he remained, the more I lost my ability to think.

"Why aren't you speaking? Say something, Furkan! Or are you just upset that I ruined your plan?" My voice dripped with sarcasm. "Oh, what a shame! Look at that, I ruined everything! What were you planning to do by getting close to me? Maybe you wanted revenge for your father! First, you stole my heart, and then, were you planning to steal my life too?" I clapped my hands mockingly, tears streaming down my face.

"Never! I would never hurt you!" Was that all he got from everything I just said?

"Are you serious? Oh, now I feel so relieved!" I went up to him again, cupped his face in my hands, and forced his eyes to meet mine.

"Look at me, Furkan! Do you think I even have a soul left for you to destroy? What physical harm could you possibly do to me that would be worse than the destruction you've already caused in my soul?" My hands were trembling violently, and I cursed my heart for still racing at his touch. I hated feeling this weak.

"Tell me, Furkan! What am I supposed to do now? You took my home from me! You took my life, my soul, Furkan! And I don't know what to do!" Just as I was about to pull my hands away, he stopped me, shaking his head frantically.

"Merve, please believe me, I was going to tell you everything! I was just afraid you'd misunderstand!" His tears mixed with mine, falling to the floor, and he, too, realized we had crossed a point of no return.

"Did this make things better? Was the price of my love your betrayal, my love?" He closed his eyes, and I looked at his beautiful face once more. I noticed how hard he was swallowing. The last remnants of happiness within me disappeared as I stood on my tiptoes and kissed his tear. My lips burned as if they were on fire, and with that kiss, I severed the last desperate cries of my soul like a knife. My tears flowed from his cheek straight to his heart, while his tears slipped gently into my mouth.

"I have neither the face to stay nor the strength to leave, Furkan!"

We sank to the floor without letting go of each other's hands. He pressed his forehead against mine, his hands now cradling my face.

"My love, don't go! I swear I'll tell you everything, every single thing! Believe me, I will do whatever it takes to make it up to you. Don't leave me, Merve! Don't punish my heart, which is overflowing with you, with your absence!"

With a sorrowful smile on my face, I mixed my tears with his.

"When I lost my father, my world collapsed!" Without breaking our position, he suddenly started to tell me everything.

"After my mother's surgery, we thought we had left the bad days behind—until we got the news of my father's death! They told us it was a heart attack, but my mind never accepted it. Some time passed, and then one day, a man claiming to be my father's friend came to my bookstore!"

I wavered between wanting to listen and wanting to block it all out. I let myself fall completely to the floor. He followed me down, clasping my hands in his.

"When I read the letter, I couldn't believe my ears. I was furious with my father. First, I started investigating your grandfather—the man who was supposed to be my grandfather-in-law. I found nothing about him. The only proof I had was this letter. And then… I found you!"

He struggled to swallow, then straightened himself, cleared his throat, wiped away a few stray tears, and continued speaking. I just kept staring at the ground, listening.

"The only trick I played behind your back was having Esma give you my bookstore's brochure. Then you came to my bookstore. The sadness on your face caught my attention first. As you wandered among the books, your eyes stopped on one. You picked it up, and when you opened it, your lips curved into a painful smile. Since that moment, you have never left my mind. But I swear, my purpose was never what my father wanted. I just wanted to know you. Seeing the destruction we caused you broke me. I was always following you, hoping I could help, even in the smallest way."

I was shocked by his last words, but I couldn't react.

"When you left home in the morning, you never left without touching the door. You always poured water into the bowls for the stray cats at the end of the street. You loved sitting by the sea with your eyes closed in silence. You spent hours reading in my bookstore. Even though you don't like coffee, you always took a cup while reading—but you never finished it!"

He knew so much about me. And everything he said was true!

"Merve, while trying to know you, I fell in love with you! There was no trick, no benefit, no mission! I never tried to justify myself! I even blamed myself, wondering what right I had to love you. I asked myself, 'Do you really think she could ever love you?' And then it happened, Merve. You loved me. You came to me, my love. You sought refuge in me! When I saw you in the mosque that night, I couldn't believe my eyes!"

His voice was excited at that last sentence.

"That day, I prayed to God for you. I said, 'Either grant her to me, or rip her out of my heart!' And you came to me, my love. You came to me from the highest place of all! Every day, I was terrified of losing you. No matter how many times I thought about telling you, I was afraid, Merve! I was terrified of losing you!"

He moved closer, locking his gaze with mine, and placed my hand over his heart.

"I love you! Without lies, without deception! I never pitied you, I swear! I didn't know… I just didn't know, my love… How could I have told you? How could I have made you believe me?"

I believed him. I had felt it. I knew his heart beat for me. When I embraced him, I had witnessed his heartbeat matching mine. And when I looked into his eyes, I had seen the love shining in them.

But I didn't know how to continue from here.

"Furkan, I don't know how to move forward with this truth. I don't know how to deal with what I've learned. I have no idea how to live with this!"

He grabbed my shoulders in a panic. "No, no, my love! I promise you, I will find a way. I will kiss away all your pain, one by one. I will rip out this sorrow that has seeped into your soul!"

I took his hands and lowered them. "I…" I couldn't continue, but even though I didn't finish my sentence, he understood what I was going to say.

"No! No! This can't happen! I can't allow it!" He tried to stop me as I slowly stood up, but he couldn't. Dropping my shoulders, I walked out of the room. As I headed toward the door, he ran after me and wrapped his arms around me from behind.

"Don't do this! We can't bear it, my love! Don't go!"

As his tears soaked my back, I struggled to swallow. Every breath I took felt like pure torture to my lungs. Gently, I freed myself from his grasp, opened the front door, and without mustering the courage to turn back one last time, I spoke.

"I'm sorry." I shut the door behind me and walked away with the wreckage of my soul. The loud, agonized wail I heard was the clearest proof that I had left behind another wreckage, too.

My feet hesitated with every step. The Merve who had tried to stand tall all her life was gone. No secret that had come to light had ever burned me this much. It felt like everyone who looked at me was laughing at my misery, as if my foolishness was screaming its presence from head to toe. I looked at the long, empty street ahead of me. There was no light on the horizon—Furkan had extinguished it with his own hands.

Everything I had ever thought I couldn't endure had happened to me. I lifted my head toward the sky and voiced my plea.

"Do you really think I deserve this? What have I done to You?" I wasn't shouting, nor was I complaining. My voice came out weak and exhausted. Wiping my tears away with the back of my hand, I lowered my head.

"My dear, are you all right? Do you need help?"

I turned to see an elderly woman standing beside me. It felt strange to encounter someone speaking my language in this place. What were the odds?

"Come, my dear. There's a park over there—let's sit for a while."

I followed her gaze and saw a green, fenced-in seating area. Without speaking, I simply nodded.

She smiled at my response and gently linked her arm with mine. Though surprised by her gestures, I didn't resist and walked with her in silence. Once we sat down on a bench, she pulled a small bag of bird feed from her pocket. As she scattered the seeds for the pigeons, I heard her murmuring something but couldn't quite make it out. I listened carefully.

"Does man think he will be left aimless?"

"Huh?"

Without looking at me, she continued, "Surah Al-Qiyamah, verse 36."

I was puzzled. Why was she reciting verses to me? She didn't seem like someone who would know them, and I certainly didn't seem like someone they should be recited to.

"Give glad tidings to those who endure with patience. When disaster strikes them, they say, 'Indeed, we belong to Allah, and indeed, to Him we will return.'"

She turned her deep gaze to mine. "Surah Al-Baqarah… Do you know it, my dear?"

I tried to pull myself out of the void swallowing my voice, but it was useless. Realizing I couldn't speak, I simply nodded again.

"Allah does not burden a soul beyond what it can bear, my dear. You may think, 'I cannot carry this weight. What strength do I have?' But that's not how it works, my child. You cannot find peace unless you lean on Allah. You cannot cultivate your garden unless you first rid it of dry, wild weeds."

Life was strange. Here I was, sitting beside a stranger, hearing words I had refused to listen to for so long.

"Our Prophet (peace be upon him) once said in a hadith: 'The people who face the greatest trials are the prophets, then those closest to them in righteousness, then those who follow in their footsteps. A person is tested according to the strength of their faith. If their faith is firm, their trial is severe. If their faith is weak, they are tested accordingly. And trials will not leave a servant until they walk the earth sinless.'"

She placed her hand on my knee and continued, "What I mean, my dear, is that the heavier your trial, the higher your worth in the eyes of Allah. Once, the noble Prophet (peace be upon him) was asked why he was crying at his son's funeral. They were surprised and asked, 'O Messenger of Allah, do you cry too?' And he replied, 'The heart grieves, and the eyes shed tears.' My dear girl…"

Her words filled me with an indescribable peace. It was as if she had poured water over the fire in my heart.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Until that moment, I hadn't even realized I had stopped crying. I opened my eyes to ask for her name—only to find the space beside me empty.

I was startled. When had she left? I looked around, but there was no one in sight.

I stood up and walked toward the park's exit. The fact that no one was there surprised me even more. There was only one way in and out of the park—it was impossible for her to have disappeared in just a few seconds.

Still lost in my bewilderment, I returned to the bench, closed my eyes again, and let myself rest.

As I reflected on everything that had happened, I also replayed the old woman's words in my mind. A strange sense of relief washed over me, and I felt an involuntary acceptance settle in my heart.

I felt the emptiness beside me fill. Thinking it might be the elderly woman, I quickly opened my eyes—only to find Furkan sitting next to me, his eyes closed.

I had known all along that I couldn't leave him. But knowing wasn't enough. What mattered was moving forward—and I was too broken to carve that path into my life.

In silence, we closed the distance between us. Maybe this was our last moment together. There was no hope, no future.

I could trap myself in an endless loop, pretending none of this had ever happened. But who would that help? What good would it do?

"I imagined this day so many times, but never like this. I pictured myself explaining everything to you over and over. But I never told myself, 'She will understand,' because the situation is too easily misunderstood.

To you, we've entered a cycle we cannot break. Maybe, to me, it's the same. I don't even have the courage to look into your eyes."

He took a deep breath and swallowed hard. He was in pain—I could see it in the way his body trembled, in his ragged breaths, in his weak voice.

"We don't deserve this ending, my love. We can't end it here. Let me heal your wounds. Let me help us get through this together."

I sealed my lips as if they were locked by an invisible zipper. Speaking wasn't the solution for me. First, I needed to silence the storm raging inside my own mind.