I Fall To Pieces

***

It is easier to find men who will volunteer to die, than to find those who are willing to endure pain with patience. 

Julius Caesar

***

Jake likes Bradley Bradshaw. 

Likes the way he runs his hands through his hair when he's focused.

Likes the way he bites his lip when he thinks something is funny but doesn't want to laugh and give it away.

Likes the way he talks about flying with his whole body, like he can lift himself off the ground if he tries hard enough.

It makes Jake's chest light, like a mass of butterflies taking flight. 

The same thing he feels every time his wheels leave the ground or every morning he watches the sun rise over the ranch where all his family have lived and died.

It's a feeling Jake's never had for someone else before and he's kind of hoping that it might be something he gets to have for a little while.

***

When Javy agreed to follow Jake into the Navy, he never thought they'd end up tucked away in the corner of a library every night with two people they'd only met a year ago.

Jake's closest friends are Javy and Celia, and he's known them his whole life. Javy's are Jake and Celia, and he's known them since he was six.

Celia's are Jake and Javy.

They don't branch out much.

Celia was very surprised when they started talking about their course and actually started mentioning two of their fellow students by name.

She'd had hopes, but those hopes crashed and burned.

***

Natasha is bright, burning like a flame, and Bradley is strong and steady like a mountain. Alongside Javy's calm river, they keep all of Jake's angry pieces from flying in all different directions, never to be found again. 

Even though Bradley is too slow and too cautious, he's just as much fun to fly with as the other two.

And Jake knows, knows, that Bradley is about at that point where he's about to start fighting back every time Jake tears him apart in the sky, and he can't wait.

There's so much life in Bradley Bradshaw, like the goddamn sun, and all Jake wants to do is curl around him and absorb everything he can.

He is, Jake realizes belatedly, his first real crush. The few who came before barely make it onto the registry compared to Bradley.

Jake has eighteen years left once he turns twenty-two next month, and he thinks he might like to spend some of it with Bradshaw.

He just has to work up the guts to say something.

***

Jake has always been….intense when he's focused on something or someone.

He knows that.

His high school girlfriend broke up with him because of it. Much too serious, much too fast. 

The boy he dated next said the same thing. 

Jake thinks he's curbed it, but he knows deep down he hasn't. He's just learned to hide it, to play it off with sarcasm and attitude.

Lily's taking after him in that regard, and he's actually worried about that because there are times that Jake feels a bone-chilling loneliness when he looks at the empty side of his bed, and nothing can make him warm again.

Seresins die young. 

Seresins die bloody. 

Seresins pack a lifetime into forty short years, and it's too much for most people.

Jordan was the only one of Jake's six siblings who managed to find someone who fit, who didn't crumble under the weight of a Seresin's love, and she died in a burning pile of metal.

Jake's not holding out much hope, Bradley's definitely not intense enough to hold his own for long, but maybe just for long enough?

Maybe Jake can at least make some memories to carry him through the last few lonely years. 

He spends so long focused on if he should try, that he misses his opportunity. 

***

He shoots his shot at a bar. 

Naturally. 

Jake is many things, but he's also a twenty-two-year-old boy, and a bar seems like the perfect place to ask someone to be part of the rest of your life.

He might be skipping some steps.

But it turns out it doesn't really matter.

He buys Bradley a beer and leans in close.

Bradley's got something like amusement in his eyes. Four years older is practically a decade in their age, judging by Bradley's attitude, but Jake is nothing if not daring.

"You're pretty easy on the eyes, Bradshaw."

"You're not bad yourself, Seresin. Any reason you're buttering me up?"

"Buttering you up? How old are you?"

That actually makes Bradley laugh. He tends to be more relaxed about his age than his flying skills, so Jake claps himself on the back for going the right way and not pissing him off thirty seconds into a conversation.

"What do you say?"

"What do I say to what?"

"Us."

And Bradley blinks, "Us doing what?"

"Wow, been that long?"

And Christ, the flush that sweeps over Bradley's face is delicious. 

"Holy shit, you're-"

"Shut up, Jake."

"But you're so red!"

"Teasing someone about their blush is not a good way to hit on them."

"Are you sure?" Jake leaned in, ran his eyes over every inch of Bradley's delightful flush, and licked his lips. "Because that might be the most attractive thing I've ever seen."

"Might be? What would beat it?" And Bradley was still not buying in yet but amused enough to go along.

"Watching you fly."

He's shocked Bradley into silence, but tonight, he has other goals than rubbing in his ability to surprise the unflappable one.

"You were born to fly, you know that right? On the ground, you're all tied up in knots, stiff and angry and sad. It makes you ugly sometimes."

Bradley had stiffened, offended and angry.

"But when you fly…Christ, when you fly Bradley, it's like looking at a masterpiece by Da Vinci. Everything about you comes together, and it's like looking at the sun. It's almost painful how good you look in the sky. How happy."

And Bradley's anger is gone, replaced by a sort of breathless wonder. He's never had someone look at him the way Jake is. 

It's flattering.

And terrifying in its intensity.

"Even when you're slow as fuck."

The exaggerated wink Jake followed up with had made Bradley laugh, muttering how Jake was one of a kind and he should have expected that.

Jake's heard all that before.

Seresins are an acquired taste.

He lets Bradley look his fill, something like consideration in his eyes.

Jake's pretty confident he's got this in the bag.

Right up until Bradley speaks.

"I'm game if you want something casual, Seresin."

"Afraid of commitment, Bradshaw? You were made to be married."

"Yeah, but you aren't. You're not exactly a relationship kind of guy, Jake."

Oh.

Jake hadn't known that.

He'd thought he was pretty okay, datable at least. Celia had kids with him. He'd dated on and off in the past, was never short on people who'd share his bed.

He didn't abide cheating and always remembered important dates. He could listen and help and didn't mind sacrificing a few hours of sleep to help someone.

But he's got his pride, too.

Seresins have a lot of pride.

"Some commitments only last a night, Bradshaw." He flags down the bartender and gets them another round. "But fair's fair. No harm in trying."

He slides one to Bradley, who's studying him in a way he hasn't before. He looks a bit lost, Jake thinks, but the willingness to try and explain is gone.

"No, there isn't," Bradley agrees, though he doesn't seem to know what he's agreeing to.

Jake walks away before he can figure it out.

Jake finishes his beer at the pool table with Javy and a few others. Bradley and Natasha join them all a while later, but Jake loses track of them quickly.

He tried and lost, and there's no point in dwelling. 

Jake's got a limited amount of time on this Earth, and he's not going to waste it on someone who's not interested and unlikely to change their mind.

Bradley never changes his mind.

He'd be flying faster by now if he did.

***

He doesn't realize how much Bradley's words affected him until a few days later. 

When Javy finally gets him to repeat them.

Jake still doesn't think he's that bad at relationships, and Javy agrees, thinks Bradshaw's probably a bit fucked up, losing his parents young and all. 

Because they've all heard the rumors.

Javy tells Jake not to dwell on it and sets him up with a pretty pilot a class behind them. 

Emily Vargas has just as much drive as Jake but is somehow blessed with a much more relaxed personality. They spend the night talking physics and flight profiles and settle on dating casually since they're both too busy for anything else.

Jake would never approach her himself, but he trusts Javy, and the more they talk, the more he likes Emily.

Jake lets himself think it only once. Bradshaw could have had this, but whatever standard he has for relationships, Jake didn't meet it, so now he's out of luck.

Javy mutters something about being allowed to vet future partners since he clearly has more sense than Jake.

Emily thinks it's fucking hilarious and that Bradshaw has a stick stuck somewhere uncomfortable. 

Not worth dwelling on, she says, and then refuses to get dragged into the situation.

***

The first time Javy beats Bradley Bradshaw into the ground is a couple of days after Jake tries his luck at the bar.

Jake begs off studying one night to catch up on sleep and fight off a cold.

Or rather, he seemed like he was starting to get sick, so Javy shoved a shit ton of cold medicine down his throat, and now Jake was too sleepy to go anywhere but bed.

Javy's looking forward to a chance to study Bradley and Natasha without Jake around since it's hard to tell who's orbiting who when all three of them are there.

He gets his answer before he even makes it inside when he sees them kissing through the window.

It's not a first kiss. 

And when they hear him open the door, they make like they weren't doing anything at all.

Javy can only ask so many innocent questions though, neither of them are stupid. 

All he manages to get out of them is that they're both single and not into casual relationships.

Bradley almost looks like he has something to say to Javy when that comes up, and something flashes in his eyes before he can't meet Javy's anymore, and the subject gets dropped.

When Natasha calls it a night, Javy times how long it takes Bradley to do the same.

Ten minutes.

Now that he thinks about it, they're generally ten minutes behind one another. 

Always.

"How long have two been together?"

He can see Bradley debating how to answer, and the denial is half-hearted at first.

"Step outside."

"What?"

"Outside, Bradshaw."

And Javy storms outside, somewhat surprised, but also not, that Bradshaw follows.

"Look, man, if you were interested, I'm sorry, but-"

"I'm not interested in either of you."

"Then what's your problem?"

"How long?"

"What does that matter? My relationship's none of your business-"

"Hours? Days? Weeks? Because, man, if you two were dating a few days ago, we have a problem."

It takes Bradley a second to get it, but to his credit, he does get there.

"Jake told you."

"He told me you were game for something casual. Apparently, he's not the type of person you have a relationship with."

"He's not."

"Not the direction you want to take."

"We weren't…fuck, we're figuring things out, that's all. It's not serious…yet."

"But Jake's the one not fit for a relationship?"

"Look, I get that you're his friend and all, but I can have my own opinion about him."

"Then why bother being friends at all?"

"I can't be friends with someone I wouldn't have a relationship with? Jesus, nobody would have any friends at all if that was the case."

"I think you were using him."

"To do what?"

"A buffer? There's plenty of rumors about you and Trace."

"Oh, fuck off, neither of us would do that."

They wouldn't, not on purpose anyway; Javy does believe that. 

But he's also pissed off because Jake was more hurt than he'd ever admit to himself, and Bradley and Natasha have always carried themselves as the nice guys compared to Jake.

"It's funny that you're the one saying you don't want casual when you were down for a one-and-done. Did you think Jake would just play the sidepiece quietly?"

"No! Nat and I are…complicated. We're figuring things out as we go. It was a moment of weakness."

"I don't give a shit."

"Whatever. I'll apologize, but I doubt Seresin cares."

"Don't play it off like you weren't flirting with him."

And really, Bradley's guilty silence is all Javy needs.

"It was just fun, Javy. He didn't take it seriously."

"He took it seriously enough to ask you out."

"I'll apologize if it matters that much."

And, that should be enough. 

Jake will move on from being shot down.

But he also considers Bradley and Natasha friends. 

Good friends.

Finding out that it was a joke to Bradley, that it was just a passing thing for the two of them…

If it matters that much…

Bradley doesn't go down without a fight, but really, he's no match for Javy, who's angry and hurt and has more of Juan Cole in him than he will ever be comfortable with.

***

He drops him off at the Emergency Room after. 

***

That's the first time.

***

Part of him waits for the MPs to show up the entire weekend, but when nothing's happened by Monday morning, Javy knows it's never going to.

At least Bradshaw's aware enough to realize he's in the wrong.

Bradley shows up to class with a fading black eye and plays it off as an accident, and Javy hears him refusing to tell Natasha what happened.

Jake knows the minute he sees Bradley, but he never says a word.

He'll cover for Javy until the day he dies. Javy knows that, and he doesn't put up a fight when Javy decides they're studying on their own for the last couple of months of the course.

Natasha's the one that brings it up, of course. Of the four of them, she's the one left in the dark, and Javy tells her so.

And then he tells her off when she assumes it was Jake.

She looks absolutely stunned at his anger.

And then she's furious.

When she starts talking about responsibility and maturity and reporting and consequences all it takes is Javy pointing out that she and Bradley would get kicked out if the instructors found out they were together to shut her up.

To say things are icy between the four of them is putting it lightly.

Jake's worried that they both overreacted, but not for long.

Not even a week later, they get called into the Commandant's Office individually.

Confidentially.

Someone reported an inappropriate relationship between two students, and they want to know if Jake or Javy have seen anything.

Javy answers exactly the way he knows Jake did.

No, sir. Nothing.

Judging from the careful distance between Bradley and Natasha in the following days, they got questioned too.

The whole class is walking on eggshells the last weeks of the course.

But everyone graduates, so they clearly got away with it.

***

The only two people who knew for sure were Javy and Jake and Jake was the one with an axe to grind as far as Bradley and Natasha are concerned, though they both think Javy would have done it if Jake asked.

It wasn't Javy or Jake.

It wasn't anybody in the end. 

The instructors have been around the block a few times; they aren't blind or stupid, and Bradley and Natasha are not deceptive by nature.

Not that any of this gets explained to the four of them.

Bradley and Natasha graduate scared shitless of almost ending their careers before they even started and believing that Jake or Javy reported them.

Jake and Javy graduate, hurt at being used and the belief that they're apparently just that vindictive. 

***

None of them speak again for a long time.

***

They were all stupid, stupid children, Javy will think later. 

Much, much later. 

~tbc~