I Drive Your Truck

***

"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear."

C.S. Lewis

***

Jordan Seresin dies on a Tuesday. 

Looking up at a clear blue sky, the sound of wind through the trees broken only by desperate machine gun fire and the screaming from his team as they try to reach him.

He pulls the pin with the last conscious thought he has and can just see them, a line of faces, every Seresin going back to the beginning, out of the corner of his eye as the grenade goes and takes him and the attacking Boko Haram out of the world.

He turned thirty-eight the day before. The closest anyone in his family has gotten to forty in six generations.

Three thousand miles away, Jake Seresin makes it through a fight that should have killed him.

Somewhere between them, Peter Seresin switches aircraft at the last second, avoiding a crash that kills two of his teammates.

On another continent, in the wilds of Texas, Adam Machado catches the flash of movement from the corner of his eye and manages to grab Lily Grace and Dustin in time.

Ren, daughter of the Seresin Ranch head trainer, puts a bullet right between the six-foot rattler's eyes.

***

Grief has been a part of Bradley Bradshaw's life since before he can really remember, but it's never been like this. 

He was too young to realize what was happening when his father died, and by the time he was old enough, he'd already been mourning the man for years.

His mother's death was a slow rollercoaster of ups and downs, and by the time she finally went, everything was already prepared or handled, and Pete and Tom took care of most of it so Bradley wouldn't have to.

Bradley mostly remembers being terribly relieved that she was no longer suffering. 

His mother was a vibrant woman, full of life and energy. Being trapped in a hospital bed had been worse than the cancer itself to her.

But the animalistic sound that comes out of Jake when Hauser says Jordan is dead is going to haunt Bradley for the rest of his life.

Javy barely manages to catch him before he hits the ground, but Javy looks just as devastated as Jake, and the rest of them are too surprised to react. 

And Bradley…Bradley remembers the last time he saw Jake breathe like that.

On the cold floor of a locker room a world away.

"Breath, Jake, come on."

"Jesus, get a doctor!"

"Javy, man, come on, what do we do?"

"Breathe, Jake, match me. Come on, Hangman."

***

Bradley remembers overhearing Pete and Tom talk about their air battles as a kid. They wouldn't talk about them in front of him for a long time.

Actually, they still don't since Bradley's spent the last ten years not talking to them.

The mission was harrowing.

But watching Jake's fight from the deck of the ship is worse. 

Because Bradley can't help him. 

Can't do anything but watch while Jake plays chicken with Russian fighters.

Can't do anything as his voice comes across the radio, cold and hard, telling Halo and Vixen to run the fucker down.

Can't do anything as he talks Harvard and Yale through a terrifying near head-on collision, only to turn it into a fake out and have them break at the last second, leaving no time for the Russian on their tail to change course and dodge Jake's last missile.

Can't do anything but pray as Javy gets there just in time to shoot down the Russian that gets tone on Jake.

And then the kamikaze charge came, and Bradley had been trying to drag Mav to safety while they were both still trying to watch what was happening in the sky. 

When Jake's plane appeared between the Russian and the ship, it had been close enough for Bradley to see the scratches on the belly of Jake's aircraft.

Then they can see the screws on the Russian fighter as it veers over the deck, low enough to scatter those left on the deck before it slams into the water on the other side.

Bradley's been flying for close to a decade now, and he's never experienced something like today before.

Doesn't think he'll ever experience it again, either.

They swept him and Mav into medical well before Jake and the others landed, and Bradley spent a few minutes just holding the man who raised him as it all sank in.

Then he was so exhausted he could barely stand, and Nat and Bob and Reuben and Mickey were there, and they all held each other for a moment, borrowing strength to bring relief.

Bradley's going to hold the shit out of Jake Seresin when he gets in here, regardless of who's watching. 

And then he isn't.

Because Jake comes in already being held, Javy on one side, the female Vigilante on the other.

And she's beautiful, and Bradley heard her over the radio.

Jake's ex.

Jake's got great taste.

Fearsome and beautiful and brilliant.

The rest of them come stumbling in behind them.

Harvard looks a little pale, leaning on Yale, but his grin is ear to ear. 

Halo's is just vicious.

The medical staff has a hell of a time calming everyone down and trying to sort them out.

Bradley gets warned that he's going to be there for a couple of days. Mav even longer.

So, he resigns himself to having that talk with Jake once they get back to shore.

The Carl Vinson and the Vigilantes are only halfway through their deployment and based on what happened today, the Navy isn't going to leave the area anytime soon.

Cyclone has transpo back to shore lined up for the mission crew, which is a relief because if Bradley has to get stuck on bed rest, he'd rather do it with a beach nearby than trapped on a metal island in the middle of the ocean.

He tries to catch Jake's eye, but before he can, Hauser appears, and everything comes crumbling down. 

Bradley wraps himself around Jake and manages to calm him down, but not enough to stop one of the medics from sedating him.

Eventually, the medics kick out everyone that clears medical, and Bradley throws a fit about being separated from Jake and Javy until the medics give in and leave the three of them in a room together.

Javy is crying too much to say anything, and Jake is out cold, so Bradley holds Jake's hand and politely ignores Javy until the other man is ready to acknowledge him.

It doesn't happen before transpo arrives. 

Javy and Jake tuck themselves into a corner and refuse to talk to anyone else.

Not that anyone else is talking.

The high of success has been efficiently crushed by the shock of loss and Jake's sad, pale face.

Nat keeps glancing over, but she hasn't worked up the courage to try saying anything to Jake. None of them have, staying firmly on Bradley's other side.

The only light, and it's a weak, flimsy one, is that Javy hasn't put himself between Jake and everyone else, including Bradley.

Instead, he's planted on Jake's other side and hasn't said a word about Bradley being on the other.

Jake might not be talking, but he hasn't let go of Bradley's hand since he woke up.

Bradley doesn't let go through the stay in medical, the flight back to North Island, or the transfer to San Diego.

Jordan's Commander from the SEALs doesn't bat a lash at Jake holding Bradley's hand, and he shakes Bradley's free hand the same way he shakes Jake's and Javy's. Bradley stays quiet through the meeting, through the explanation and the condolences, and the apologies. 

Bradley doesn't remember this from his father.

Too young. 

Jake's face stays still, sad but resigned, and it isn't until the CAO greets them that Bradley realizes Jake already knows what questions to ask.

He's done this before.

Bradley catches Javy's eye, but Coyote's subtle headshake is enough to make him drop it.

There will be time for questions later.

Time to learn each other even deeper later.

They have time now that this stupid mission is over.

***

Bradley gets off bedrest the day before the funeral. 

Which is good because Bradley was going regardless of what the doctor said.

The entire detachment is.

They can't sit with Jake, Javy, and Peter in the front row, and they're not front and center in formation because it seems like every SEAL on the West Coast showed up.

Along with a lot of brass and even Ice looks surprised at the turnout.

Nat actually trips over her own feet when the Secretary of Defense and Governor of Texas arrive.

But nothing, nothing surprises them as much as the two young children sitting between Jake and a striking woman his age, who's close enough to Javy to be clutching his hand and crying on his shoulder.

Bradley can hear the others murmuring, guessing the kids are Peter's or cousins or even Jordan's, but the Honor Guard presents Peter with the folded flag, so they aren't Jordan's.

Bradley knows who they are.

Not because anyone has told him but because he can see Jake in every inch of both of them.

The young girl is older, almost a teenager, and looks forward with hard eyes and a dry face, the same way Jake is.

The little boy is crying, clutching the woman's hand, but he's still looking forward, and he looks like Jake did while he was clutching Bradley's hand on the flight back.

Bradley's just close enough to see the same moss-green eyes he's been waking up to for the past couple of months.

They look enough like the woman leaning on Javy to make her their mother.

And Jake definitely has very good taste in partners.

She's the quintessential Texas Bell, for all Bradley knows about Texas. Big eyes, sun-kissed skin, and long, shiny hair. She looks like she'd be at home on a stage or equally at home on a horse.

Bradley waits for the jealousy, irrational as it would be, to come, but it doesn't. 

Jake would never have taken up with Bradley if he was still involved with the mother of his children, and Javy just kissed her in a way that doesn't seem platonic or new.

She must be his ex, and given how friendly Jake is with his ex in the Vigilantes…

They must still be close.

Of course, they're raising two kids together.

Bradley's never stopped to think about kids. He doesn't really know anyone who has any. Most of their cohort has settled that far down, and Bradley didn't really know Penny until Amelia was already a teenager.

None of his previous girlfriends had kids, not that Bradley's really had a serious relationship up until this point. When Nat didn't work out, he mostly stuck to short-term flings, and the one that was on its way to becoming more ended because of his assignment to this mission.

And then there was Jake.

And that's all there's going to be if Bradley has anything to say about it.

Although the prospect of children is terrifying, at least they aren't still in diapers. 

Bradley can work with that.

The first volley makes him jump. He's so lost in his thoughts, but his salute was automatic, thank god. He'd hate to embarrass Jake at something so important.

As they lower the coffin and everyone stands for the chaplain's final quiet words for the immediate family, the Governor of Texas glances at Ice.

"Admiral Kazansky."

"Governor Heart, thank you for coming."

"Of course. Texas will always show up for the Seresins."

"Ah, that's good to know. Family service is important."

"It's huge in Texas, but the Seresins are in their own special category, naturally. God knows how many we've buried now; I'd have to go back and look at the numbers."

"The numbers?" And Bradley hasn't heard Ice's voice that cold in a long time.

"Something like nine or ten generations now, isn't it, Phil?" His assistant glances at his notebook.

"Well past fifteen now, I'd think, sir."

"Fifteen generations?" Ice clarifies.

"Hell of a family legacy. All of 'em dying in uniform. Well, most of them, there are a few outliers. Hard to believe they're already down to the last two. Thank god Jake had kids, or they'd probably die out in the next few years."

"What the fuck?" Mickey hisses.

"There'll be a family burial at the ranch as soon as the body can be transported to Texas."

"It's an empty coffin?" Mav, surprised. "I thought he was being buried here for his service?"

"That's what the headstones for. All Seresins get buried on the ranch."

"All Seresins go home in the end." Ice murmurs with something like wonder, like something just fell into place.

The Governor nods in agreement. "All of them. Might be a few pieces left on battlefields around the world, but they all come home when it's over. I hope you'll allow his teammates to make it."

"Of course." Like there was ever any doubt. Cyclone's even nodding as well.

"We appreciate the show of loyalty."

"His command will be there. Including myself."

"Excellent. If you can make the time, I'll treat you to dinner."

"That would be very kind."

"God knows you've got to find some good in dark times. There'll be a hell of a wake at the ranch, though. Make sure you plan on staying a couple of days. Contact my office if you need any help with the travel arrangements."

"Thank you."

And then they're all just watching the Governor's Assistant hurry him off, stopping only to shake hands with Peter and Jake, who's got his little boy clinging to him now, face wet and tucked into his father's neck with no care for Jake's spotless uniform.

There's a few more suits from Washington that do the same, and several soldiers with stars and even Ice can't really get close to the Seresins until the majority of the guests have left. 

Cyclone and the SEAL Admiral finally step in to force people to start moving away, giving Peter and Jake a quiet final moment with Jordan's empty casket.

Jake's daughter stays at his side, clutching his pant leg, her face dry and her eyes hard.

She never looks away from Jordan's casket until it's finally lowered out of sight, and then her eyes stay on the headstone like she's trying to memorize every centimeter of the white marble. 

She glances around just once as they're turning to the car the SEALs arranged, and somehow, she looks right at Bradley, and her expression doesn't flicker, but her eyes meet him, and they're Jake's.

Jake has a daughter too tough to cry at her uncle's funeral and a son who clutches his father so fearlessly.

His son is older than Bradley was when he lost Goose.

Ice and Mav are staring at the family just like Bradley until Cyclone hisses at them all to get moving and clear out.

They aren't invited to the wake the SEALs are holding, but apparently, Cyclone's wife has offered to watch Jake's kids so Jake and his family can all attend.

Bradley's phone doesn't leave his hand for the rest of the day, through stumbling out of his dress uniform and into sweats, through meeting the others at the Hard Deck to have their own drinks in Jordan's honor and then to begin to process the fact that there are kids and no one but Bradley readily believes they're Jake's until Bradley's worn them down insisting.

And then it's a lot of questions that none of them have answers to, and Nat and Reuben actually seem angry that they didn't know, and Bradley actually gets angry on Jake's behalf.

He and Nat get into a shouting match right there in the Hard Deck in front of everyone, and Bob and Callie have to pull them apart. But eventually, Nat just admits that she's angry she didn't know, didn't count as one of the people Jake felt the need to tell, and she promises that she'll never actually bring it up with Jake.

Ice and Mav are having an intense conversation in the corner, and even Bradley's not allowed close, so he sticks with a cup of coffee, checking his phone every few minutes and gossiping with Callie about how cute Jake's kids are and how much they look just like him.

Callie's been crying most of the days since Jordan died, so Bradley comforts her the best he can until she gets annoyed and tells him to save it for Jake because she likes to cry alone.

Bradley can understand that, so he buys her a whisky, and they're good.

Javy's text comes in just after dinner, takeout at the Hard Deck, and Bradley doesn't bother saying goodbye, just rushes out. No one tries to stop him, so he assumes they've figured out what's going on.

Thankfully, Javy has stopped pretending he doesn't know Bradley and Jake are sleeping together, and his text tells Bradley they're all at his house and where are the extra blankets for the kids? And you need to fold out the couch when you get here. I can't figure it out.

And also, get here now.

And bring food.

Bradley stops at In and Out and remembers at the last second to order a couple of burgers without the extras for the kids, just in case. 

The mother of Jake's kids meets him at his door.

"Please tell me there's something without onion?"

"Yep, two plain cheeseburgers with ketchup."

"Thank god. Lily Grace, Dustin, kitchen! Dinner is here."

Bradley helps her set it out because he can hear Jake and Javy making up the spare room and cursing his couch, and the kids are suddenly right there, and Bradley must look like a squirrel in headlights because their mother actually cracks a semblance of a smile at his expression.

"They don't bite."

"I've met their father. I don't believe you."

She actually cackles at that as she doles out fries.

"Go get Jake and Javy."

"Yes, ma'am."

He trots off because it's easier to listen to her than to try and guess at what he should be doing right now, given that he and Jake haven't actually figured out what their relationship is.

Javy and Jake are just finishing the bed when he steps into the spare room, and Javy just pats Bradley on the shoulder as he heads for the kitchen, leaving Bradley and a desolate Jake in what was Bradley's parent's room. 

Jake's been crying, face red and splotchy, and eyes swollen, and somehow, he's still fucking stunning.

He goes into Bradley's arms easily enough, and Bradley gives in to the urge to hold him as tightly as he wants. 

Jake hugs him back just as tightly, and they stand there for a few minutes by themselves, wrapped up in one another and Jake's grief.

Bradley's never had to be the offering support to someone else.

It's always been someone else supporting Bradley in his loss and what seems like a life of grief.

And somehow, Bradley still has no idea what to say.

"Your children are fucking beautiful."

There's a heartbeat of silence, and then Jake snorts and starts to shake, and Bradley's so relieved he nearly falls over when he realizes Jake is laughing.

"You have no fucking idea what to say, do you?"

"No. God, please tell me what you need to hear, and I'll say it until I lose my voice."

"And then what?"

"I'll write it until my hand's cramp. I'll record it on your phone so you can listen whenever you need to."

"You're ridiculous. Does that offer expire?"

"Never."

~tbc~