Unwritten
***
We mature with the damage, not with the years.
Unknown
***
Jake is a work in progress. Half-finished on his best days, nothing more than a few rambled sentences that make absolutely no sense on his worst.
Like all those unfinished stories people start and never finish that everyone forgets long before there's any chance of an ending, happy or otherwise.
Like those books with ripped covers and missing pages. Scribbles in the margins, corrections on the artist's original work because it wasn't good enough, they didn't care enough and just threw it out into the world long before it was ready because they wanted to be done with it.
He refuses to be forgotten and left to fade to dust.
He will be worth loving, worth seeing, worth walking beside.
He won't be some piece of scrap paper someone finds in a drawer years later, with the writing so faded it's illegible.
He will not be left to rot away like he never existed. Like he wasn't worth someone's attention or their time.
They tried to break him and failed. He only got back up stronger each time. He came back like the grass every spring, like the snow every winter, like the sunrise every morning.
Even when he was broken, even when he had to crawl because he couldn't walk, even when they refused to hear him, see him, feed him, he came back.
He still remembers the dirt under his nails, the sun on his back, the freedom of the open fields, and the house that felt like a cell.
He remembers the parents he looked up to, who never looked down.
And he remembers the day they finally did. When the voices started.
Worthless.
Useless.
Why are you here?
There has to be someone on this earth willing to love him and Jake is going to find them if he has to search every day of his life until he reaches the edge of the world, the end of time.
Because there has to be someone.
Waste of air.
God, get lost.
He tries once with a girl when they're both too young to even understand. He tries again with a boy a few years later and it's fun, he's just at the cusp of getting it, but then he learns that there's a special kind of pain for that.
He studies when it's too dark out to work, squirrels away every cent, learns to eat just enough to keep him going, and how to mend his clothes over and over.
He learns how to stay out of sight when he's the only one in the room.
He learns how to gauge someone's cruelty and kindness, who will give handouts, and who will give pain. He learns how to flutter his lashes and how to pick fights and how to win no matter what the cost.
He graduates top of his class in high school, skips graduation when he realizes his parents are going to be there, and walks into the nearest Navy recruitment center.
The recruiter lets him sleep on his couch and he ships out the next day.
He doesn't understand the feeling he gets when he first steps off the plane in Annapolis. He feels lighter, taller, the world has more color. Suddenly he can walk without looking over his shoulder.
He can fucking skip down the sidewalk if he wants to and all it gets him is a few weird looks.
The recruiter did him a favor, flew him out early, so by the time basic training starts (it's laughably easy), all his bruises have healed.
Jake breezes through it, learns why some make it through and some don't. Learns the military's way of loving can seem abusive to some but feels like a balm to Jake. So many people watching him, correcting him, pointing him in the right direction.
This love feels like he thinks.
Worthless boy.
Why can't you disappear?
He might be more damaged than he's willing to admit.
He watches the older cadets, studies who's successful and who isn't.
You need courage, intelligence, and fearlessness. Jake has those in spades, can handle pain better than most.
You need kindness, compassion, and a generous heart but Jake's not as good at those. He needs more practice because his version doesn't look like everyone else's, and he can't figure out how to reshape it to fit the mold.
He knows the way his parents did it was wrong, so he tries to edit and re-write it into something acceptable.
Rise and rise again, until lambs become lions and Jake will roar the loudest of them all.
Worthless.
Pain in the ass.
He gets close enough to make it work. He's an asshole, prickly and driven and unaccepting of weakness, but he's also good, has talent and knowledge to spare, and does his best to pass it on to anyone who needs it, even when they don't ask. He doesn't go after personal weaknesses, only work, only flying, because that's what's going to kill them all if they're not careful.
If they're not the best.
His first couple of roommates ignore him until they see his test scores and then he collects a substantial sum as a tutor (he never sells answer sheets, that is cheating, and Jake will not be that dishonorable).
He charges extra when they complain about his attitude.
I'm not here to be your mother he says, to coddle you and tell you your great when you haven't done anything of value. I'm here to keep you alive, so suck it up and learn.
He hears the whispers, laughs because they always try to guess why he's such an asshole but can't even comprehend the truth of it.
People are too afraid of stepping off the edge. Too afraid of darkness.
Get out, get out, get out!
Don't come back.
He starts experimenting with girls and boys, forcing himself to learn that there's more than pain in another person's body. He has panic attacks after the first few, but they won't let him fly if they find out, so he locks himself in a deserted bathroom until it's over.
He doesn't let anyone spend the night, can't risk them finding out, and it's easy because they're all too busy to really notice.
Jake has a plan, make it through the academy and travel the world in a Navy uniform in a Navy plane. They'll never be able to ignore him once he gets in that aircraft.
He'll be free, wings spread so wide they'll never bring him down again, shielding the world from the darkness creeping in at the edges.
Shut up!
Quit your fucking whining.
He'll never have to go back to that place again. He can make a new home, even if it's a small studio apartment with just enough room for Jake and no one wants to come visit.
Jake will survive.
He will outlast them all.
And they will see him.
Get out of my sight.
Why are you here?
He's never going to be ignored again. They won't forget he's there, won't forget to feed him and wonder where the last apple went. Who drank the last of the orange juice? Oh shit, has the kid been going to school?
Worthless.
Useless.
Why did we have you?
He falls a little bit in love for the first time when he meets his cohort. Bright, vibrant, so different and so connected all the same. They float together like atoms and Jake just wants to watch as they coalesce into something amazing.
They tolerate him, which is better than Jake was expecting. They're all good, they have a lot of potential, but they're not at Jake's level. A few of them could get there in time, some of them never will but they'll be comfortably close.
They could be friends, meeting up whenever they end up in the same hemisphere or on the same continent. They could know Jake's history as well as he learns theirs.
No one wants you.
Why don't you disappear?
He stays on the fringe at first, wary of pushing too hard too fast, he knows he does, can't stop himself sometimes, so he uses physical distance to keep himself under control and watches.
He catalogs everything he can, commits it to memory so they'll call him a good friend, so he knows everything, so he can see it coming when they leave him.
Why won't you just die?
I'm not feeding you. Go do something useful.
And then everything falls silent for the first time since his parents look and found him wanting in everything. Since he made that choice that made his father deal out lessons in pain instead of knowledge.
His name is Bradley Bradshaw, and it makes Jake laugh hysterically inside. With the wavy hair and the soulful eyes, (something hurt him, Jake sees that), and the start of the 'stache (Jake's never found that attractive before, but years from now, the light burn that it leaves on his thighs and neck is going to be one of his favorite things).
Bradley Bradshaw is four years older than them and no more mature no matter what he says.
He carries himself like someone told him no and now his entire existence here is a giant fuck you.
Jake loves him so much it hurts.
Oh.
This is it; he realizes. This is the one who will love me. This is the one whose touch won't hurt, who will walk beside Jake and not be afraid.
The moment he sets eyes on Bradley Bradshaw their voices fall silent.
This is it then, he thinks. Giddy. It's him. It's only him. He's the one who will love me.
I am worth loving I swear. I'll be whatever you want me to be but I'm worth it. I promise. Please.
Later, he thinks, I should have known better.
Bradley Bradshaw doesn't like him. It's painfully obvious, Jake's too abrasive, too much of an asshole, too rough for the gentle love Bradley wants.
Their voices come back louder than ever.
Worthless.
Useless.
What a waste of air you are.
Jake has a panic attack in an empty hallway, can't breathe, can't think, can't be loved.
Unlovable.
Unlovable.
Unlovable.
He loves Nikita Gill. One of the few poets he can read without getting bored. But it's not almost that's the saddest word.
It's tried.
Jake likes to dream that his parents tried to love him and just couldn't.
That other family members tried to save him and just couldn't.
That people tried to walk with him and just couldn't.
Jake tries to make himself lovable and just can't.
He tried.
She tried.
They all tried.
And no one made it in the end.
His hands are shaking, he can't stand, it's a bad one, they won't let him fly, Jake will be stuck on the ground until he dies from the crushing weight of the gravity holding him there. Choking on the dirt and dust and fading away to rot.
Alone.
The hand on his shoulder is terrifying, he's caught.
But he's not.
Nobody loves Jake.
And then…someone does.
Machado. Javy. Who doesn't mind Jake's splinters or jagged edges. Who takes his temper and insecurities in stride and likes to give out compliments and doesn't feel the need to hide how much he loves Jake.
Get lost, brat.
God, I don't want to deal with you.
Jake falls in love with him right back. Immediate freefall with no parachute.
There's a fleeting thought of romance, but Jake is too well versed in himself and in Javy. They're brothers in all but blood. Jake's first family and it's some scrappy kid from a shitty neighborhood with a heart too big for his chest.
He takes Jake home on their breaks and introduces him to his mother and his sisters who don't even blink at the awkward white boy who's trying too hard to be lovable with all his sharp edges.
Javy's mother quietly says she worked in CPS for decades and a tremor runs through Jake. She knows, she can see right through the walls he carefully built out of shields, bound together by pain and blood and desperation and hope.
It was so much better before we had you.
She never makes him talk about it, just touches him on the shoulder, hugs him, fixes his hair, and buys him clothes when she realizes Jake will only buy new ones when they're absolutely beyond repair. She gives him all Javy's hand-me-downs until she realizes he's never going to be as broad as her only son and then takes them to the department store. Javy looks painfully bored whenever she isn't looking, and they make faces behind her back at some of the suggestions and Jake thinks she knows but never says anything.
She makes them try it all on at home, like their runway models and Javy's sisters score them, never lower than 8 because they love their mom and as much as they tease, they won't ever hurt their brothers.
Javy drags Jake into their cohort with a steady hand and an easy heart. Helps cushion Jake's freefall whenever Bradley briefly glances over.
Sleep outside, I don't want you getting the house dirty.
Just go away.
Javy's a great pilot, almost as good as Jake, and not bothered that Jake's a bit better. He wants to fly, wants to be good, wants to be one of the best, but he isn't bothered by those better than him.
If everyone had that level of self-esteem the world would look much different, Jake thinks. And the angry little boy inside says he wouldn't have to try so hard.
He's a gift and Jake will make him good enough to survive. He will make them all good enough to survive. He will tell them their weakness, point out every mistake so they know exactly what to work on, what not to do again.
They will come home.
And if he has to make them hate him in the process so what, well at least won't they forget him.
Jake doesn't love softly because he doesn't know how and isn't the point of loving someone to make them better? Not to let them stagnate and rot?
To leave them better than you found them?
Worthless.
Useless.
Why won't you just disappear?
Jake will love them all until they're brilliant and gleaming. So even if they don't love him back, they won't forget him. He'll go on after he leaves the room. He won't be consigned to the ghosts of history that no one can name, one of the faceless masses that never did anything worth remembering.
Jake Seresin will be remembered. They won't forget he's in the room when he's standing right in front of them.
Just shut up and stop whining!
Why can't you be useful?
Javy understands. He doesn't like being the center of attention, but he likes being at Jake's shoulder. Steady as an ancient oak, whose roots run so deep not even the hurricane that is Jake Seresin can budge them.
They don't even notice when he blows through except to laugh and say really, Jake? That's all you've got?
But Bradley is still a problem. Bradley doesn't like him, but that doesn't stop Jake from dreaming, of trying to inch closer to the blazing warmth that's all the love he's got to give. Jake can see it, tucked away carefully until Bradley finds someone he thinks is worthwhile and then it spills over like an unrelenting tsunami.
No one is strong enough for Bradley's love. They can't withstand the force of it, and it scares them all away and it scares Bradley, though Jake knows he'd never admit it. He can't control it, can't lock it away no matter how hard he tries, and Jake can see all those shattered boxes that have tried and failed to contain the love Bradley Bradshaw has inside him.
Ew, don't touch me.
Go away, I'm busy with things more important than you.
It would be enough for Jake. It would be perfect for him. All that love would fit like a glove inside Jake's empty spaces that were supposed to be filled with love, but no one had any to spare.
Jake could take the worst of Bradley Bradshaw with ease. Could revel in it and give it back because Jake is saving some of his love too. He's not at good at it as Bradley, but he's got more than enough to make the other boy smile for the rest of his life.
Bradley doesn't want it though, no matter how hard Jake pushes, how many pokes and prods and demands Jake makes.
He doesn't want it, because Jake can't figure out how to say it in a way the other boy understands. It gets lost in the teasing and the taunting and the desperate strive for his attention. It gets lost in Jake's anger and desperation when it doesn't work.
Jake spirals, but all he ever gets are brief moments of annoyance and dislike.
I am enough Bradshaw, why aren't you looking?
Unworthy.
Useless.
Why are you even alive?
Just disappear!
It occurs to him one day after he shoots Bradshaw down during a hop and the other boy won't listen to why Jake won, and he lost.
Jake is going to undo all his hard work trying to get Bradley's love. He's going to fall and this time he won't be able to get back up.
He won't survive.
He can love Bradley from afar, he realizes. Can settle for the few run-ins they'll have over the years. The lessons he can impart that Bradley will learn, even if he denies it.
Just get out of my sight, you stupid brat.
He just has to teach himself to stop hoping. To stop dreaming.
So, he propositions him right there on the flight line and gets shot down.
He does it again and again, each time the wall grows another foot, the lesson engrains itself a little deeper.
Javy makes him stop but he's learned it by then.
Bradley Bradshaw doesn't want Jake Seresin.
Jake will survive this, just like all the others.
Useless.
Worthless.
Graduation is so close Jake can taste it, taste the freedom waiting on the other side. The whole world he's only seen in books and movies.
Javy's still at his shoulder. Comfortable and settled and steady.
Jake almost loses it all the week before they graduate.
He wasn't prepared. Didn't think the old man would find him. Didn't think he'd bother looking.
Turns out he didn't, it was just a coincidence. He'd taken up long-haul trucking to make money and caught sight of Jake leaving the bookstore.
Pure coincidence.
This is what you deserve.
For all that Jake is strong, and can brawl with the best of them, he's weak now, no matter how hard he fights.
He gets away eventually, showers until his skin is raw and red and carefully puts all the masks back up so no one sees when he walks into class the next day.
No one does.
Except for Javy.
It all comes out at a drive-through burger joint in the darker hours of the morning. For the first time in his life, Jake tells someone else what happened the night he left his parent's home. How all the rage and hatred coalesced for the first time into something physical.
How they forgot him after they had him and got annoyed when they had to remember him. He was a waste of money and food, he couldn't do anything for himself, made so much more work for them.
He was an accident that they paid for every day.
Jake knows what he needs, at least he thinks he does, but he doesn't know if Javy does, because it's hard for people on the outside looking in. It's hard to comprehend something so bad when you don't experience it yourself.
But Javy does know what Jake needs because he loves Jake. He needs a greasy burger, salty fries, a thick shake, and the chance to talk without interruption or judgment. He needs Javy furious on his behalf (he is), but willing to not do anything but be angry (he is).
He needs an arm around his shoulders and a home-cooked meal, and a blanket worn and frayed at the edges by love and overuse.
He needs time to gather himself under the watchful eye of a woman meant to be a mother. Who has love to spare and no problem giving it to a broken little boy she just met. Javy even gets them two days' leave with an artful story about a death in the family and camps out on the couch with Jake.
They watch black and white sci-fi movies and shove their faces with everything Javy's mom feels like cooking (which is a lot, all her children are grown now, and not around as often).
When she dies two years later, a part of Jake is buried with her, and he never gets it back.
It's the first time he gives a piece of himself away and it is terrifying.
No one wants you.
You're too ugly to love.
He clings to Javy a little tighter at their first duty station. They share an apartment, a car, the same job. Most of the flight line think they're sleeping together and neither of them mind for the time being. Jake needs extra time to pull the pieces back together after the fight with Bradley and Javy's fight with the old man and Javy needs to catch his breath and settle his thoughts after learning all those secrets Jake gave away.
They do get shifted to different bases after a while, but they're both together enough that it works out.
Jake's first deployment comes early in his career. He volunteers for it, ships out in the back of a crowded C-130, and sends Javy the most ridiculous postcards he can find.
The constant sheen of fear that lies over the deployment keeps the voices quiet. They're a world away and can't find Jake in the sprawling expanse of garbage-filled desert.
There are new enemies here. By all accounts far more dangerous than what Jake faced before. True believers who aren't just angry and annoyed. They don't just hate Jake. They hate his whole world.
The fight happens quickly. The movies always get that part wrong. It's not slow enough to think, to plan. It happens in the blink of an eye and only training and instinct survive.
Jake gets his first kill protecting troops thousands of feet below him and it's not until later when he's back on the carrier and they're watching the battle footage that he realizes that the flaming wreckage falling out of the sky contains another human being.
On fire and burning and in just as many pieces as his plane.
Jake spends an hour emptying his stomach into a toilet and surprises his commander by voluntarily going to talk to the shrink.
It earns him a week of shore leave and Javy flies in and they spend their days exploring and stuffing their faces and their nights with Javy holding Jake while he cries himself to sleep.
No one else sees it though. Because Jake knows, can see how much they need him to be okay. Everyone's courage depends on someone else, so they all have to stand tall and be brave and cry in the dark and they all get to go home.
Get out of my house.
Don't come back.
A few of them ask him about it, some just want reassurance, but a few want to be ready, and Jake is honest with them. He's still an asshole, he's still Hangman, but there's less space between them all after that.
He loves Celia, whose father came from a house that looked just like Jake's. He survived and thrived, and she has no problem talking to Jake about the ugly parts. She wishes her dad had lived longer so he could have met Jake and told him how he did it. He would have done everything in his power to make it easier on Jake than it had been on him.
And she loves Javy so much. Jake can see it in the way they look at each other, the way they hold hands, the way neither worries when someone else gets close to the other. She doesn't even blink when Javy and Jake sprawl out half on top of each other on the couch. Just throws herself on top. There's no fear, just confidence, and love.
Jake wants that. Is still looking for it, though he doesn't really believe he's going to find it. He missed that chance.
No one will ever love you.
You aren't worth it.
Javy thinks he can find something close enough. A little house next to Javy's with a shared backyard so their kids can play together. Celia's making a profile of the perfect match, though Javy won't let her show it to Jake (years later he'll admit it's because she knew it was Bradley, and he didn't want to get Jake's hopes up).
Jake has built walls around his walls, sharpened his mind and his tongue and his heart. He has accepted the love he's got and doesn't worry so much about getting any more.
He is content.
No one wants you around.
You're a disgrace.
Then he gets called back to Top Gun and all those walls shatter like glass.
You look…good.
I am good. Too good to be true.
Bradley Bradshaw grew up, filled out physically and spiritually, and mentally. Filled out in all the ways. All of them. Jake is looking closely enough to notice.
He's Rooster now. Cock of the walk and finally showing some of the confidence he always had tucked away. He plays piano like he was born for it and the music dances along Jake's nerves and sets them aflame and the warmth settles into his cold bones.
It makes Jake comfortable, slow and sated and warm. He wonders if that's what it feels like to be in Bradley's arms. If everyone around him feels like that.
It all goes to hell the next day. Pete "Maverick" Mitchell walks into their classroom and Jake's heart simultaneously soars and plunges out of the sky in a ball of flame.
Jake's studied him, even before he was at the academy, dug up every scrap he could on the internet that wasn't classified, worked the rumor mill at every base and on every carrier, he's ever been stationed at. He flies like Jake does, all instinct, no hesitation, and nothing can touch him.
He's the basis for Jake's very existence. Leaving all danger in his dust.
Jake's never wanted someone's attention this badly before (except for one).
And he's only looking at Rooster.
So that figures.
The two people Jake wants most in this world to listen to him and they're only looking at each other.
Such an ugly boy.
How could you have come from me?
Jake knows why. Mav's history might be shrouded in mystery, but Bradley's isn't, and Jake can put the pieces together that Mav won't say, and Bradley can't see.
Any loving mother would do everything to protect her child. Even tell his godfather to stop his entrance to the very career that killed his father.
Jake doesn't understand why Mav doesn't just tell him. Carole is long dead and it's unlikely that Bradley is going to stop loving his mother just because of that.
The tension between the two of them is ruining this team they're supposed to be, there's no way this mission will succeed.
Jake starts to have nightmares of Rooster burning alive in his cockpit, of him falling to Earth with no parachute, of his screams over the radio.
Javy sits up with him at night and talks Jake off the ledge, out of just storming over to Rooster's and telling him (he won't listen to you, Jake) or to Mav's (he doesn't even know who you are).
Celia comes to visit and so do Javy's sisters and they calm Jake enough to let him get through a few days more.
No one wants to be around you.
You suck the fun out of everything.
But Rooster and Maverick don't figure their shit out. Cyclone is on everyone's ass and Iceman Kazansky has to come down from the hallowed halls to keep the peace.
Maverick might be Jake's ideal pilot, but Iceman is the goal. The figure who strides across the deck with every eye on him in reverence.
Rooster won't talk to Ice any more than he will Mav, but Iceman's presence does help. Mav settles, his nerves fade, and stop affecting their entire class.
Jake doesn't bother to hope that Kazansky will notice him. Jake can see where his attention lies (and Javy walked in on them).
So, Jake shoves aside the hurt, back into the pile with all the others, and focuses on Rooster.
Rooster who is so angry, so hurt that he can't focus on anything else.
So, Jake pokes and prods and punches. Javy tries to pull him back, tries to urge caution, but it's too late.
Rooster is going to die because he's a good pilot who could be great, but he isn't there yet. Holding himself back because he can't leave the past.
Jake doesn't let up. Tells Rooster every mistake so he won't make it again. Points out all the ways he can improve. Exactly what he has to do. Step by step.
Explains what got his father killed.
But that ends up setting him back instead of pulling him forward.
Payback and Fanboy try to help Javy help Jake. Even gentle Bob, who's trying to keep the peace. Jake loves them almost as much as he loves Javy, but he's made up his mind.
Then Iceman pulls him aside and Jake can tell from the look in his eye that he knows.
I'm not broken, Jake tells Ice, I survived. They didn't break me. I survived.
And Ice says, so did I.
He takes Javy and Jake out to dinner, and they talk engineering, physics, and flying until they're blue in the face. Jake's never had so much fun.
And he knows it's silly, but a small part of him wishes Iceman was his father. Wishes he could have grown up in his shadow instead. Javy tries to convince him it's not silly, but Jake knows that you're born and those are your parents and wishing differently doesn't change anything.
Stupid brat.
Worthless.
He slips out one day after training, after he and Rooster nearly come to blows on the flight deck. Visits a tattoo parlor off base and pays what's probably a ridiculous amount of money to a very hesitant artist who makes him swear he's going to therapy before he'll do the tattoo.
'there are no happy endings here' in elegant script right over his heart.
He's never seen Javy so angry as he is when he shows it to him.
He feels bad when he starts crying and it makes Jake cry because he was just trying to teach himself so it doesn't hurt again. Running so fast and so far from the pain that it can't ever catch up.
Javy rats him out to Ice and he gets a lecture that sounds suspiciously like a pep talk and completely confuses Mav who just happened to overhear.
Jake doubles down on Rooster, right up until Maverick announces his wingman and all Jake's hopes evaporate like smoke. It seeps into his lungs and smothers all the oxygen, congeals the blood in his veins and Jake can't move, can't breathe as they're dismissed.
He put in all that effort, all that time, took all those hits to make sure Bradley survived, and now he's going to die on some stupid suicide mission that he won't admit he isn't ready for.
I'm trying to love you but you're not letting me.
Can you just take it? I don't want anything back.
It's free, I swear!
Just take it, please!
Why can't you want me?
Jake doesn't have anything left. He's given his blood, his sweat, his tears. He gave all the rage he had saved up, all the sadness locked away. He won't give away the hurt, because he doesn't want to share that with anyone. They shouldn't have to carry it. It's Jake's and only his back should bow under the weight of it.
He can't let it go. Can't stop the voice in his head screaming Bradley is going to die.
All Jake has left is himself, which isn't worth much, Bradley's always been clear about that, but Jake's going to use it anyway.
He corners Rooster in the locker room after everyone else has left, watches him silently as his hands shake and he stares at himself in the mirror, looking for answers that Jake has but he won't listen to.
Then hopelessness flashes across Bradley's face, a sound that's almost a sob catches in his throat, and in an effort to not throw his arms around him, it all spills out of Jake in words.
You have to fly better.
Get the fuck out Seresin.
You have to fly better. You're half-assed flying is going to get you killed. You keep hesitating, trying to plan with time you don't have.
Shut the fuck up.
I know you know how to do it. You have instincts, Rooster, you just ignore them because you're scared.
And you're just angry because you didn't get picked!
In what world would Mav ever pick me over you! Both of you are going to die on this mission because you're distracted by each other. You have to fly faster. Shoot faster. You have to stop thinking about your dad and trust your instincts. You have to come home. You have to come back.
You don't know anything about me Seresin!
I know everything about you. I've been in love with you since the first time I saw you. I know what makes you smile. I know what keeps you up at night. I know why you pull back right at the edge instead of diving over.
He barely gets to see the expression on Bradley's face before Javy's pulling him away.
Give 'em hell.
He sits in his cockpit and stares at the gauges, listens to the mission play out over the radio. Utterly helpless to do anything but pray to a god he's never believed in.
He cries when he hears Maverick being shot down because he already knows what's coming. Javy gets the aircrew guys to bring a ladder and holds his hand as they listen to Rooster go down.
His request to support is barely out of his mouth before it's refused.
Please don't tell me we lost an engine.
All right, I won't tell you that.
He grips Javy's hand so tight he's pretty sure he gave him a bone bruise. He knows a couple of the ground guys recognizing them from previous deployments. One of them was there the day he got his first kill, was one of the ones who didn't talk about it. Didn't celebrate it.
All Jake has to do is catch his eye and glance at the catapult and he gets the whole ground crew moving.
Jake's in the air before the tower even realizes what's happening.
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, this is your savior speaking. Please fasten your seat belts, return the tray tables to their locked and upright positions and prepare for landing.
Hey, Hangman, you look good.
I am good, Rooster, I'm very good.
Jake barely manages to shake hands with Bradley who still has that dumbfounded look on his face (Jake thinks it's cute, Javy thinks he's an idiot), before Javy pulls him away to medical.
Jake finds him later throwing up in one of the empty bathrooms and they manage to get released from the base before any of the others, disappearing to the beach to drink and gather all their pieces back together (mostly Jake's, but Javy broke a bit too when he heard Mav and Rooster go down).
They miss the first reunion at the Hard Deck. Celia flies in and clings to Jake just as hard as she clings to Javy and Jake settles a little bit, enough that all his atoms come back together in a somewhat loose representation of what they were before.
But something is different. Something has changed fundamentally.
Bradley is looking now.
It sends a shiver down Jake's spine when he realizes what that new weight was.
Bradley's eyes.
They were never looking in Jake's direction before. Sure, he saw him, hard to miss when they were screaming at one another, but they never looked before.
He panics. First time in his life that he works himself into one of his panic attacks with no one else's help. Scares the shit out of Payback and Fanboy who call Javy and get Celia, who will never, ever see them all as big bad pilots ever again.
Javy talks him down and regales them all with tales of Jake's locker room confession.
Like those porn videos you used to make me watch.
But more eloquent right?
No. You were definitely bordering on stalker territory towards the end of it.
Damn.
He's looking now though, isn't that a good thing?
Javy says no, shuts down Fanboy's romantic dreams. It's too risky, he broke you before and didn't even notice. The pain's not worth it.
What if he changes his mind?
Who says he would?
He's changing it now!
And Jake…Jake trusts Javy. More than he trusts Bradley.
So, Jake stays away. Brings the walls back up best he can, though he doesn't have much material left for them anymore and they don't get nearly as high or thick as they did before. He plans out what he'll say, the nicest way he can let Bradley down or harsh if he needs to make the other pilot run far, far away.
But Rooster doesn't approach him. Doesn't ask, doesn't touch, doesn't stop him in the hall and ask what the fuck he meant.
He just watches.
No one has ever watched Jake like that before. Looked that long and that hard at him. Tried to see every little piece instead of looking right through the whole.
He knows Javy doesn't like him. Well, he likes him as a person, separate from Jake, but he doesn't like Jake And Bradley. Doesn't like the risk that brings with it.
Not even Iceman can sway Javy and Jake can see the division in the cohort as it forms. Payback, Fanboy, and Bob behind Javy. Natasha, Halo, and the others all behind Bradley and with no idea what's happening.
Ice pulls Mav out of the situation, Jake catches the haunted look in his eyes the next few times he sees him, so Ice clearly read him in on Jake and his fantastic horror story of a life.
Any concerns he has about Mav and Ice are shoved aside quickly.
Rooster starts flirting. There's no other word for it. He fires back a smart-assed comment to each one Jake makes. Their banter reaches new heights, no longer meant to insult or teach, it's for pure enjoyment now.
Jake ignores it when Javy pretends to puke, laughs when money changes hands based on whomever they agree won the most recent bout.
Rooster starts playing every classic rock song any of them can think of.
He plays "Faithfully" and Jake can't stop the visceral reaction, knows the heat he's giving off as he watches Bradley is enough to scorch anyone standing close.
You stand by me
I'm forever yours
Faithfully
Bradley sees it, clearly, his fingers moving over the keys mindlessly because all his attention is on Jake.
Jake can't say it's only the two of them there because it's not. He can feel the comfortable heat of Javy at his shoulder, Payback and Fanboy are not even subtle as they film Jake and Bradley's faces. Natasha is looking back and forth between them, then grabbing Bob and pulling him aside to furiously whisper.
Mav's tucked into a table with Ice, looking both poleaxed and mortified at the same time. Ice just looks thrilled. Even Penny's shaking her head and looking too amused for her own good.
And all Jake's half-assed walls just come tumbling down like the walls of Jericho.
Through space and time
Always another show
Wondering where I am lost without you
And being apart ain't easy on this love affair
Two strangers learn to fall in love again
I get the joy of rediscovering you
He shows up on Javy's doorstep after they've all gone home, and Jake's legs figured out how to work again.
Javy lays out all his fears, all his concerns again, as Jake shakes in his arms.
But then…
What if?
What if what?
What if he does love you? The way you love him?
There's no way.
You always said Bradley Bradshaw has a lot of love to give.
Not to me.
What if?
What if?
What if?
Javy's still wary, he's Jake's caution and shield, but he wants Jake to try.
It's Jake's own fear that's holding him back now. That exact thing he kept warning Bradley about for years.
He shows up on Bradley's porch just shy of midnight and doesn't even get a chance to knock before the door flies open and Bradley nearly runs into him.
And all Jake can say is, I'm broken. Bruised. Still kind of bleeding.
So, Bradley says, burnished gold shines brighter.
Jake kind of throws himself at him after that and they make out on Bradley's porch like teenagers until they've both forgotten what time it is.
Bradley spends a lot of time on his tattoo. Tracing it with his tongue and his fingers and making Jake shiver and shake. He doesn't ask, not yet and Jake's thankful for that, because he's not ready to say it.
He just wants to enjoy this new thing that keeps Jake half-hard all the damn time. It's like Bradley's trying to kill him with pleasure.
They keep shoving each other into dark corners and rooms when they're at work. Jake blows him in the locker room, so Bradley breaks into Mav's office and Jake sits in his chair while Bradley rides him and they giggle like teenage girls while they clean up after.
Bradley pulls him off in his own cockpit, so Jake presses him against an F-22 on the airfield and kisses him until Bradley comes in his pants.
Warlock catches them in the watch room and makes them clean the entire room from top to bottom.
No one ever catches them in the storage closest (you're welcome – everyone who's pretending to ignore those noises - we totally know what they are), but they start cleaning them too and make a bet on how long it will take Warlock to notice.
Apparently, Ice is very impressed with the closets and he mentions it to Warlock, who gleefully informs him it's because his godson-in-law can't keep it in his pants at work.
Ice blames Mav.
Who also somehow hears about his office and makes them do push-ups until they can't feel their arms.
They hear from a very traumatized Bob that he caught Mav and Ice making out in Mav's office a week later.
Trying to wipe away the image, Jake crows. Let's do Ice's office next.
Thankfully Bradley manages to talk him out of that one.
He's less invested in dissuading Jake from fooling around in Mav's plane.
Jake loves like a sledgehammer. Bradley's love is softer, but somehow no less powerful when it hits. He wraps Jake in a comforter of warmth that lasts even when he's not there physically. He texts him randomly, nonsense, and doesn't get upset when Jake doesn't respond to every fucking text. The few nights they spend apart they fall asleep talking on the phone and wake up with phone imprints on their faces.
It's so fucking perfect Jake should have known. Should have been paying more attention.
The blow knocks him out cold and he wakes up in the hospital the next day and sobs in Javy's arms.
Ice sits with them, and make's Mav take everyone else home.
They move into Mav's quest room and suffer through a revolving door of people who care and who feel so guilty that Jake doesn't know what to say. Javy doesn't leave his side and Celia spends her nights there and Bradley camps out in the chair next to the bed and makes bad jokes and sings and watches Jake like he's afraid he's going to fade out of sight before his very eyes.
Jake sees the damage to Mav's windshield but when he asks what happened Mav just hugs him for so long that Jake's feet go numb.
To break the tension, he tells Mav he has plans to deflower Bradley in his plane and then has to run for his life while the feeling comes back to his feet.
Ice takes them to therapy and tells them not to go easy on Mav, it's karma for all the shit Mav's pulled over the years that Bradley was too young to hear about.
Bradley gets weird after that, there and not at the same time. He's always in Jake's line of sight, the warmth is there but a cloud not a blanket, and Bradley won't touch him.
Jake knows immediately what it is, he's been in therapy for years, he's not stupid, and it pisses him off.
He's not that weak. He survived for years by himself. He survived for years with just Javy and Bradley thinks he's going to break after a single punch to the face?
Well, Jake's a lot of things and one of those is an asshole. If Bradley thinks he's going to keep his hands to himself, then Jake's going to make it the hardest thing he's ever done.
Bradley watches him, so Jake leaves one more button undone, goes shopping with Javy, and buys jeans a size smaller than usual. They play volleyball and football on the beach and Jake's shorts get shorter and shorter.
Javy slaps him on the ass a few times when their team scores and Bradley nearly pops the volleyball he's holding.
Jake watches Javy and Bradley in the midst of all of it, a different dynamic than Jake has with either of them but just as rock-solid. Javy's always been honest about his worries about Bradley, that are born out of love for Jake and fear of him getting hurt. They're a wall around him, a safety net that he doesn't need but apricates all the same.
And Javy is clearly taking out all his years of worry on Bradley's sanity. He drops off Jake's old porn collection one day (Poor Mav, the box was not labeled). Accidently rips Jake's shirt when they're wrestling over the last beer. Brings up all Jake's flings over the years and rates them by attractiveness.
Bradley's a good sport, for the most part. He's developed an eye twitch that Jake thinks is actually kind of attractive. He and Javy go out for beers alone, tinker with Mav's plane together, and share tips on how to take Jake down during hops.
For the first time, Jake feels settled. Finds himself in a place he doesn't want to leave.
He'd just like the sex to come back (his therapist insists it's a very healthy feeling and looks ridiculously proud that Jake can want that and still talk about his father).
Not even their therapist thinks Bradley's going to hold out much longer so Jake forces himself to be patient.
Bradley cracks two days later.
Jake's just in jeans and aviators, barefoot and soaked as he washes Mav's plane (punishment for his plans for Bradley) and Bradley lets out some sound like a wounded animal and tackles him.
You have to tell me if it hurts.
I will. I will. Don't stop, you fucker, you owe me.
Oh god.
Jake's plans for the plane get moved up exponentially and they scramble inside. Turns out, it's a tight fit, but if you're really motivated and decently flexible you can absolutely fuck in the cockpit of a P-51 (Ice is the one who tells them they weren't the first).
At least they remembered to turn the water off.
They're smart enough to get inside well before anyone else gets back and lock themselves in Bradley's room. Jake lets Bradley spread him on sheets with little planes (he will be bringing that up later) and take him apart piece by piece.
He knows what Bradley is doing with every press of his lips and stroke of his fingers. He's trying to erase all of Jake's pain with pleasure, and Jake's a good guy, but he's not perfect, so he keeps his mouth shut and lets Bradley do as he pleases.
He's too exhausted to move by the time Bradley's had enough of him and Jake can't work up the strength to return the favor. Based on the way he collapses on top of Jake after, Jake doesn't think it's an issue.
Jake finds the rings in Bradley's drawer a few weeks later. His parent's wedding bands. He knows Bradley wants what they had, even more than he wants what Mav and Ice have. He also knows that Bradley isn't going to ask until Jake is ready, and Jake is ready.
He's really ready. He's been ready since that first day at the academy when he saw Bradley Bradshaw and his fucking 'stache.
So, he waits.
He waits through two deployments, one together, one apart. Bradley requests to be assigned to Top Gun, ready to settle, but Jake's still chasing the thrill and comes back between deployments. They meet up around the world, trading kisses in exotic ports and picking their hotels based on the size of the bed and the quality of room service.
It happens at the Hard Deck, naturally. A groupie slides in close to Jake, who's in whites and aviators and a sharp grin, and isn't taking no for an answer despite Jake being on his best behavior.
Bradley's last straw comes when she whines about why Jake won't give her a yes, it's just dinner, some fun, maybe something serious down the road. She wants to get married, be a pilot's wife because it sounds like fun.
Because he's fucking marrying me, so back off.
She scurries off, while the rest of them look back and forth between a pissed-off Bradley and a smug Jake.
Uh, you guys are engaged?
No, we are not.
Rooster?
I mean, I was going to ask.
Instead of telling?
…Yes.
Presumptuous little brat isn't he? Javy jokes. While the others laugh hysterically at Bradley's embarrassment.
Jake kisses him at the piano and they sing "Faithfully" to the entire bar.
Bradley doesn't make him get the tattoo removed, but he does make him add "until there are" and falls asleep with his palm resting over it every night they're together.
They make it work through Jake's next set of deployments. There's no way to get everyone back together for an extended period, so they sign the papers in front of an officiant with Mav, Ice, and Javy as witnesses and throw a series of parties whenever they can get some handful of their friends together.
Jake doesn't think about his father much anymore. Hasn't seen him again since that day at Mav's. His mother never calls again demanding money Jake won't give and trying to make him carry guilt that's not his. Occasionally, the thought that he should find out where they are passes by, but he never goes through with it (the few times he gets close, Ice talks him out of it).
Mav only lasts another five years. When Ice announces his plans to retire, Mav drops his packet, and it gets approved in an impossibly short amount of time. Ice lets it slip that there may have been some celebrations in DC.
He leaves Top Gun to Bradley and Natasha and Bob. Javy and Jake are around often enough that they never have to miss them for long and Jake starts climbing the Navy's ladder, setting his own records.
Javy and Celia's daughter's name is Lily and Jake is the first one to hold her (he's also the one she calls 16 years later when she gets drunk at her first high school party).
~fin~