I'm Sorry

When their eyes met in midair, Kang Jinha quickly dropped his gaze to the floor, his grip tightening around the cup. 

Being put under such scrutiny made him feel like he was standing on pins and needles. W–What was Kwon Minhyuk looking at him so closely for? Being as sharp and scrupulous as he was, had he suspected something… for example, that he wasn't actually the nineteen-year-old Kang Jinha?

Come to think of it, this seemed to be the first time they had stayed for so long in the same place. Previously, they had always argued at the drop of a hat, which led to one of them storming off – mainly Kwon Minhyuk because he obviously had many better things to do than bickering aimlessly with someone nine years younger than himself. 

Even then, Kwon Minhyuk still managed to care for him in his own ways. 

When he first collapsed in the old house a few days following his grandmother's funeral, when he ran off to an A-Class dungeon without a word and ended up returning with his face ruined and a sliver of life clinging to his body, when he nearly went into shock upon receiving the news of Chu Myungki's bonding ceremony… all those times when he woke up, Kwon Minhyuk's sullen and angry face would be the first thing he saw. 

"Get your ass together, will you?!" he would growl out each time. "If you do something like this again, I will kill you with my own hands!"

Such sharp and scathing words, yet again and again, he would still be the first to show up whenever Kang Jinha was in trouble.

Even when he was sentenced into prison…

At that time, the prestigious Kwon Group was embroiled in financial trouble due to major investment failures. In order to halt the losses, Kwon Minhyuk had to take some drastic measures which caused the company to shrink down a lot and lose its reputation as one of Korea's leading conglomerates. 

With his skills and capabilities, he could have recovered from this setback given a few year's time, but because of Kang Jinha and his death-seeking behavior, this proud and arrogant cousin of his had to run to places and waste all of his resources to beg people for favors. His cousin, the Director and Crown Prince of Kwon Group who had never yielded to anyone, was forced to bow his head and kneel, only to be mocked and humiliated mercilessly once his enemies caught wind of it.

All because of him. 

Because Kwon Minhyuk did not wish to see his naïve and foolish cousin end up in prison.

But alas, his painstaking effort ended up for naught when Kang Jinha took the initiative to shoulder the blame. 

The day Kang Jinha was convicted was the first time he had ever seen Kwon Minhyuk look so crushed and defeated. His once ramrod straight back was slightly hunched, his sharp gaze was eroded with loss, and his impeccable appearance was nowhere to be seen. When their eyes met across the trial room, he no longer appeared angry or murderous, simply… disappointed and utterly exhausted. 

And that image had haunted Kang Jinha's mind ever since. 

The next time he met Kwon Minhyuk again was in prison, less than two months later. He had come solely to deliver a devastating news:

"My mother is dead." 

He was only in his thirties at that time, yet half of his head had already turned gray. This person used to be a dragon soaring across the sky, gazing at mortals with a proud and indifferent look, but now his wings were clipped and broken. He had been reduced into a dog rolling in the mud. A joke through and through. 

On the other side of the partition glass, Kang Jinha stared at him blankly, his torn and bruised lips trembling ever so slightly. He had just survived through the 'newbie welcoming ceremony' and received a cruel beating until not even a patch of his skin remained unscathed. He was in so much pain that he couldn't tell whether it had come from the injuries all over his body or the suffocating chill in his heart. 

It's me, he thought numbly. It's all my fault… 

He struggled to get the words out of his constricted throat, yet as it turned out, Kwon Minhyuk did not need his response – not anymore. He rose to his feet, sending the chair dragging across the floor. 

Without even casting a glance at Kang Jinha, he turned to leave while saying, 

"This is the last time I will come here."

Startled, Kang Jinha jerked his head up, a fleeting panic flickering in his dull eyes, but the person who had always faced him properly, who had always confronted him in a frank and straightforward manner… now had his back turned toward him. 

"If there's a next life…" Kwon Minhyuk uttered hoarsely, his icy voice laced with an unmistakable hint of sorrow, "I wish you never have to appear before us." 

Snap!

The crisp snap of fingers jolted Kang Jinha back to his senses and he raised his head to find Kwon Minhyuk's keen eyes staring at him with intrigue. 

Gone were the gray walls of prison and the excruciating pain all over his body. He was currently standing in a beautiful and elegant kitchen, with the residual aroma of coffee teasing his senses, warmly-clothed and well-fed. 

In the end, what remained was only a dull, relentless ache from the depths of his heart. 

Kang Jinha blinked, realizing that he had once again gotten lost in the past memories. 

"You've been zoning out for ten minutes," Kwon Minhyuk analyzed with interest. "Grandmother indeed mentioned that you have a habit of getting your head in the clouds, but I didn't really take it seriously back then. Now I can see that she was spot on. What are you thinking so deeply about?" 

"Nothing…" Kang Jinha feigned a yawn and took the chance to wipe the moisture from his eyes. "Just a little sleepy."

"Really?" Kwon Minhyuk pointed at the cup in his hand with an arched brow. "But you haven't even drunk your milk."

The corner of Kang Jinha's eye twitched. He had gotten so used to bickering with his cousin over nothing that his first instinct was to tilt his head and chug down the cooling milk down to its last drop. Then he showed the bottom of the cup to the other person in the spirit of defiance. 

It wasn't until Kang Jinha was done with this series of actions that he realized how childish it was. He couldn't help but grimace. Damn it, why would you do that?! 

He truly did not mean to provoke Kwon Minhyuk this time! 

He had expected his cousin to retort with a sarcastic and passive-aggressive remark, but no. Kwon Minhyuk simply snatched the empty cup from his hand and, without changing his expression, washed it together with his own cup. While Kang Jinha was still wondering why the other person seemed so docile tonight, he was caught off guard by an unexpected question,

"Are you unhappy to move here?"

Huh? Kang Jinha stared at his side profile in surprise. Where did that come from?

"If you have any complaints, you can tell me. Do you dislike your new room, or is there something else you're dissatisfied about?" 

"No!" Kang Jinha blurted out in a heartbeat. He felt flustered not knowing where this misunderstanding came from. From which eye did Kwon Minhyuk see that he was dissatisfied? Everything was more than what he could have asked for! Or had he said or done something during the day that gave Kwon Minhyuk the false impression that his presence was not welcomed? The more Kang Jinha thought about it, the more agitated he became. Oh how he wished he could give an impromptu speech conveying how grateful and delighted he was to meet them! 

Alas, in such a state, the more he wanted to be eloquent, the more he tripped over his words, "Y–You've got it wrong. I–I didn't… I never meant to—"

"Alright, I understand what you mean." Kwon Minhyuk interrupted him midway, surprised that his casual question was met with such a strong reaction. "Don't look so panicked. I was just asking."

He turned off the faucet and placed the cups on the drying rack. With his back turned to Kang Jinha, he added in a quiet tone, "It's just that… I haven't seen you smile even once today, that's all."

In this position, he missed how Kang Jinha froze at his words and how he subconsciously raised his hand to touch the corner of his lips. 

He… had never smiled even once? How could it be, when so many good things had happened today? 

As if trying to prove his cousin wrong, Kang Jinha tried to tug the corner of his lips upwards, but every muscle in his face seemed to have their own will so that it ended up becoming more like a distorted grimace instead. His face felt as stiff as a board. No matter how hard he tried, he simply could not produce a smile. 

Kang Jinha stood rooted on the spot, bewildered and flustered. How— How did one smile naturally again? 

He seemed to have forgotten how to…

When Kwon Minhyuk turned around, Kang Jinha hastily schooled his features. It was fortunate that his cousin did not seem to notice anything amiss, as he was distracted by his own thoughts. 

"Well," he cleared his throat a little stiffly. "It was just a little observation of mine, so don't take it to heart. You've just moved in today, so it's natural that you are not used to our presence yet. Still, I hope you can tell me or your aunt if there's anything troubling you." After an awkward attempt to be a considerate brother, he once again reverted to his Director Kwon persona and tossed out a rigid command, "It's late now. Since you've finished your milk, go back to your room and sleep." 

Kang Jinha's eyes trailed after him as he walked toward the door. 

For some reason, the sight of his retreating back overlapped with the silhouette of their last encounter, causing Kang Jinha's lips to tremble ever so slightly. Just as Kwon Minhyuk was about to turn to a corner and disappeared from sight, an inexplicable impulse seized him and the word – that one word which he had only dared to utter inside his heart for years – slipped out of his mouth just like that:

"...Hyung!"

He had never called Kwon Minhyuk as such throughout the two lifetimes – this was the first. The word rolled off his tongue in a clumsy manner, like a child attempting to speak. 

Although he had exerted all of his strength, his voice still came out barely above a whisper, laced with an imperceptible tremor. But Kwon Minhyuk still heard it nonetheless. 

He paused for a second, seemingly taken aback, before turning around and arching his brow as if asking, 'What is it?'

Kang Jinha felt his nose turn sour and the back of his eyes burn with a stinging sensation. Thousands of unspoken words surged up his throat, nearly pulling him under with its suffocating intensity. 

I'm sorry, he almost blurted out. I'm sorry, Hyung… I'm so sorry for everything I've done. 

I'm sorry for being so shameless. Even though you said that you don't want to see me again, I still selfishly stayed by your side once more. 

If you were to remember what you've said before, would you come to detest and shun me? 

Alas, these words were never meant to be spoken – not in the past and especially not now. He had lost his one and only chance to say it. The current Kwon Minhyuk had no memories of the previous lifetime. He was still the cold and overbearing Director Kwon, an influential figure revered and respected by many. The destruction of Kwon Group had not occured yet, and whether it would really happen again remained to be seen. 

All of a sudden, Kang Jinha felt the oxygen around him thinned and he could not quite catch his breath. 

The world around him suddenly became so cold and unfamiliar. It was as though everyone had moved on from the past and left him behind all alone. Only he was still mourning and obsessing over the what-ifs and could-have-beens. Only he was still stuck in the dark and muddy swamp, unable to find his way out. 

He had avoided thinking about this matter since waking up because he did not wish to stain the joyous miracle of his rebirth with negativity, but with the sudden reality check, the question once again popped up to the surface of his mind, stronger than ever:

With the way he is now, can he still live like a normal person? 

All these turbulent thoughts churned in his mind only for a little over a second. Under Kwon Minhyuk's questioning gaze, what came out of his mouth became, "...Good night. Don't stay up too late."

Kwon Minhyuk's eyes softened infinitesimally before he replied with a soft, "Good night, Jinha."