chapter 23: the silence

The night was still, but inside, I was unraveling.

I woke up in darkness, the room bathed in only the faint silver glow of the moon filtering through the window. Elaris was still fast asleep beside me, her golden hair spilling across the pillow, her face serene, peaceful.

I should have stayed there. Should have let myself sink back into the warmth of her embrace, back into the quiet comfort of her presence.

But I couldn't.

There was something wrong—a hollow weight in my chest, a sense of something missing. It wasn't fear, nor was it anger.

It was emptiness.

A deep, aching kind of numbness that settled into my bones like a poison.

Slowly, I slipped out of bed, careful not to wake her, and walked toward the window. The wooden floor beneath my bare feet was cold, grounding me just enough to keep me from sinking too deep into my own thoughts.

I leaned against the windowsill, my dark eyes staring out at the quiet streets of Myra. The city was still alive even at this hour—lanterns flickered in the distance, laughter echoed from some distant tavern, and the soft hum of the waves against the docks could be heard if I listened hard enough.

But it all felt so far away.

Like I wasn't really there.

Like I was slipping through the cracks of my own existence.

I let out a slow, shuddering breath, raking my fingers through my long, silvery-blonde hair. The strands fell back into place, a few locks drifting in front of my face, obscuring my vision. I didn't bother pushing them away.

What's wrong with me?

I was exhausted.

I should have been proud, relieved—something.

But instead, all I felt was a quiet, sinking dread.

And then, as if she had been waiting for this moment, she spoke.

"Poor thing…"

I didn't startle. I had stopped being afraid of her voice a long time ago.

Veylara's presence curled around me like a whisper of silk, like the embrace of something unseen.

"Why do you fight it, Noctis? Why do you pretend you don't feel what I already know?"

I exhaled through my nose, closing my eyes for a moment. "Not tonight, Veylara."

"Ah, but it is tonight, isn't it?" Her voice dripped with amusement, but there was something softer beneath it. Something understanding. "Tonight is when you finally let yourself feel it. The loneliness, the doubt, the weight of everything you've done."

I didn't answer.

Because she wasn't wrong.

"You don't belong here, my dear," she murmured, her voice wrapping around my thoughts like a lullaby. "You try, don't you? You hold onto them, you let them pull you close, but no matter how much warmth they give you, it never reaches the deepest part of you."

I gripped the windowsill tighter, my knuckles turning white.

"Tell me I'm wrong."

I couldn't.

Because deep down, I knew—there was a part of me that would never truly belong.

No matter how much Elaris held me, no matter how much Alaria teased me, no matter how much Daren once laughed with me… there was a void inside me. And no one could fill it.

"You see it now, don't you?" Veylara continued, her voice softer now, almost soothing. "They love you, but they do not understand you. Not the way I do. Not the way I always have."

A bitter chuckle escaped me. "And you do?"

"Of course I do, my dear. I've felt your pain since the moment we met. Every doubt, every quiet ache, every time you looked at them and wondered, 'Would they still be here if I weren't useful to them?'"

My breath hitched.

Because I had thought that.

More times than I could count.

"You hide it well," she whispered. "You play the part. You laugh with them, you love them, but at the end of the day, there's still that fear, isn't there? That one day, when the world stops needing you, so will they."

I clenched my teeth, pressing my forehead against the cool glass of the window.

I hated how easily she tore through me.

How her words slipped past every defense I tried to build.

"You are tired, Noctis."

She wasn't wrong.

"And you know what I'm offering you."

I closed my eyes. I did know.

"Come to me," she whispered, "and I will take it all away. The fear, the doubt, the endless weight pressing down on your soul. With me, you will never have to question your place again."

My throat felt tight. "And all I have to do is what?"

"Set me free."

Silence stretched between us.

The same deal. The same promise. The same temptation.

And for the first time…

I almost wanted to say yes.

I could picture it—walking away from all of this, embracing the power she had always promised me, leaving behind the pain, the uncertainty, the questions.

No more pretending.

No more feeling like I wasn't enough.

"You deserve more than this, Noctis," she murmured, her voice softer now, almost gentle. "You deserve to be whole."

I swallowed hard. "I…"

A soft noise from the bed made me freeze.

I turned slightly, glancing back to see Elaris shifting in her sleep, her brows knitting together as if she could sense the weight in the room even in unconsciousness.

My heart ached.

She loved me.

She chose me.

She wanted me here.

Even if I didn't always believe I deserved it.

I turned back to the window, my voice barely above a whisper. "Not tonight, Veylara."

A long pause.

And then, a quiet, knowing hum.

"Not tonight, then."

And just like that, her presence faded, slipping back into the shadows where she always waited.

I let out a shaky breath, rubbing a hand down my face.

The weight didn't leave me. The doubt still clung to my ribs like a sickness. But for now… for tonight… I had made my choice.

I turned back toward the bed, slipping under the covers beside Elaris.

She stirred slightly, her arms instinctively curling around me, her warmth seeping into my skin.

I didn't deserve her.

But I wasn't ready to let her go.

Not yet.