off-guard

 I shower and wash up when we get to our room, and then I lay down to sleep. Kael takes the other side of the bed. We let Cabel have his own bed, because…well…even though I wouldn't be close to him, I feel a lot safer next to Kael. Cabel is sort of…intimidating, I guess.

 I must have laid there for over an hour, slowly tossing and turning, unable to get to sleep. So much had just happened. I knew I needed to sleep, after all, I'd only be getting a couple hours of rest at this point. We were leaving early in the morning. I supposed I could sleep in the carriage.

 "Hey, you awake?" Kael asks me softly.

 I turn to face Kael. The room is dark, but through the light coming in through the windows of Pearl City, I see a faint glimmer in his eyes. They are open, staring back at me.

 "Of course."

 "The other day, when we got to Greenwald, you asked me a question. Do you remember what you asked?"

 I think back to it for a moment. I remember talking to him, sure, but I was so tired at that moment, and so full of emotion, that I can barely recall anything specific from that night.

 It dawns on me, what I asked.

 "You asked me about relationships," Kael answers, his voice comforting and smooth. "If I've ever thought about them."

 I wait for him to answer.

 "I started crying," he goes on.

 "I remember," I say.

 I see a light smile come across Kael's face. "Do you remember that day, the day we signed up for the Academy? You ran into me as I was leaving Lance's house."

 I remember that very clearly. I was upset, wondering what my best friend was doing, hanging out with someone like that.

 "I told you that Lance knew I didn't like girls, and that he said he'd protect me if anyone was ever mean about it."

 "Yeah."

 Kael takes a deep breath. "So…back then, I had a bit of a crush on you."

 His words take me off guard.

 "And Lance," he continues. "He confessed to me that he had feelings for me, that day. He figured…since I was in the same boat, he could come clean about it. He said that's why he always bullied us. He was…jealous of you, I guess. That I spent so much time with you. That's why he took his anger out on you."

 I don't know what to say.

 "I eventually got over it. Natalia and I would talk about it late at night, some days. She made me realize that I didn't have feelings for you. It's just…I wasn't attracted to girls, and obviously you and I were close. It was hard for me to separate the two things.

 "I told Lance that I had put those feelings I had for you aside and realized that I loved you, not romantically, but as my brother…because you are, Sigmund. We might come from different families, but you're more family to me than anyone else. You're a brother to me, Sigmund, and you always will be."

 There was a certain stillness in the room, the only sound being Cabel's even breathing as he slept. "That was never in doubt," I reply. "We've been brothers since the day we met, Kael."

 Kael smiles back at me. "I know."

 It was hard to tell in the lighting, but I thought I saw Kael crying again. "He…Lance and I, we got fairly close during training," Kael says. "You didn't want any part of it. Being friends with him, I mean. He asked me, one day, if I wanted to start a relationship with him, and keep it secret. I told him I couldn't. You disliked him. Even after you two sort of made up, that one day, on our first Day of Darkness…it still wouldn't have worked. He tried, though. He knew that the two of us would never work out unless he could make something work out between the two of you."

 I feel like I know what Kael is going to say next.

 "I was going to tell you all of this after the Day of Darkness a few days ago," Kael admits. "I was going to ask you to try and get to know him, because he and I wanted to be together, and it was important to me. I know it sounds stupid, that I wanted your approval…but I did."

 I don't know how to explain the feeling I have right now. My soul…feels heavier. I suddenly feel a sort of…regret. All of this had been happening around me and never once did I notice. I was too caught up in my own head. There were times that I felt Kael and I were drifting apart during training. This was the reason, wasn't it? I was oblivious, and Kael was hurting. He never wanted to distance himself from me, I was the one being stubborn and bullish and making him feel uncomfortable.

 I want to go back, to that day. Our first day of training. I want to tell Kael that I am happy he and Lance smoothed things over. I want to befriend Lance, and forgive him for everything that had happened, to welcome him into my life the way he wanted me to.

 I want to redo the past two years. I want Kael to be happy. I want all of this to change…

 Maybe things wouldn't have turned out this way if I had paid more attention to things. Maybe Marc would still be alive. Maybe Lance would be…

 "I'm so sorry, Kael."

 He takes another deep breath as he still looks back at me.

 "It's okay," he said, giving me a weak smile. "It's not your fault, what happened. It's Merava's."

 Here I am, looking at someone who possibly has more of a reason to want Merava dead than I do. I never ever considered that before, but now it seems so obvious. And yet…where I allowed rage to consume me at times, Kael has been cool and calm this entire time. He was an even stronger and even better man than I had ever given him credit for.

 "I'm glad I told you that," Kael sighs. "I don't like keeping things from you. I've wanted to tell you. The past few days, though, we haven't really had the time to talk much."

 "Thank you, Kael." That's all I can say at this point. I thanked him not just because he told me, but because of everything. He was here, with me. He stayed strong. He fought. He's my brother. I could not have accomplished anything without him in my life. I have everything to thank him for.

 "Thank you, Sigmund," he smiles. I realize he probably thinks the same thing about me. "Good night."

 "Good night, brother." I close my eyes. I find myself falling asleep in minutes.

…

 I realize I am having a faint dream. It isn't as vivid as usual, but I can see Merava and Andrakias clearly within the dream. They are talking about heading for Whitewind tomorrow at around noon. They think leaving town while it is the busiest will provide them with the most cover. The man that was with them earlier is holding an ice pack to his head and agreeing with what they say. He must have taken a hard hit on his head, from when Cabel mugged him. I notice his arm is patched up from where Portia shot him as well.

 My dream ends there, and the rest of the night goes along without any trouble.