matters of the heart

Rav leans back, his tail swishing lazily as he watches me with cunning eyes. "You know, Augs, there are things I notice, being around as long as I have," He pauses, taking a deep breath.

How old is he again? He's supposedly twenty, but sometimes he acts like he's two hundred.

"And one of those things is this: your Vessel is in love with you."

Rav cracks his fingers. "There. I said it. Now nobody has to wonder or speculate."

I feel my eye twitch. "What?" I say, laughing at the incredulous nature of the joke but not quite finding it funny. 

"Oh, crap. Okay, okay," Rav says, swirling his tail submissively. "Slow steps with you. Ah, forget what I just said. Tell me about Rylin."

I'm bewildered by what Rav's trying to say or do, but I think he's trying to help. "Rylin," I say. I feel the stars in my eyes as I envision her. "She always had this shy side to her, whenever I saw her with other people, or when I wasn't around her. But when she's with me, she never has that look in her eyes. She's confident, smiling, happy."

"Precious!" Rav has a big, stupid grin on his face. "And that the first thing you think of isn't how she makes you feel, but how you make her feel...so romantic!"

Rav smiles wistfully. "It's just how I think about Bree, you know." He looks toward the wall. Some scattered mementos are decorating the mantle of a large fireplace. One of them seems to remind him of Bree - he always looks to the mantle when he talks about her.

"I think about Bree, and all I want is for her to be happy. Whatever her perfect life is, I want her to have it. You know what I mean?"

"Yeah," I say. "Of course."

"And...though I am loathe to admit it, I'm not involved in her life as much as I'd like to be. I suppose that rings true for you and Rylin too, hm?"

"Oh yeah. That's an understatement." 

More involved in her life? I'd take any involvement. She's sealed on the moon, trapped and alone. I could never forgive myself if I left her like that for the rest of her life.

Rav leans forward, the playful glint in his eyes replaced by something softer, more contemplative. His tail stills, curling neatly at his side as he studies me.

"So, the way you feel about Rylin is very similar to how I feel about Bree," Rav smiles, "And it's quite very similar to the way that Kieran feels about you."

I blink in a moment so quiet I swear I can hear the blood in my head. 

"And what makes you think he feels that way?" I respond mechanically. I'm not sure how to act. I'm not sure what to say. I can't pretend I'm totally shocked by his question. I'm not. It's something I've suspected for many years - the lingering glances, the way his voice softens when he says my name, but...

Rav's words pull at something buried deep in my memory. A moment I've tried to forget but never really could. The look on Kieran's face that night, two years ago...

...

My mind jumps back to a memory. Night time, two years ago. We were still on the moon. I'd been announced as a Magician a week before, and the reality of our situation was just starting to sink in. 

"I'll be able to go with you!" he exclaimed, pointing at documents and notes from former Magicians. Since there are so few Magicians from the moon, one could go their entire life without meeting another. It is tradition to document everything for future generations.

"See, I told you! Every Magician has a Guide and a Vessel, but a lot have an Arcanic operator too!"

"Yeah, but...don't you need a lot of experience for that? Like, a lot?" I question, turning my head to the side. "I mean, don't get me wrong! I'd love to have you come with us. It wouldn't be the same without you, Kier."

He looked at me. It was the first time he looked at me like that. I was trying to downplay my feelings. It did bother me that I wouldn't be able to see him every day, but I brushed it off. 

He looked betrayed. Like our friendship was a lie. Like 'best friends' meant right now, not forever. And then he said something that I thought he never would.

"If you'd love to have me there, then why don't you make me your Vessel instead of Rylin?"

"Kier," I said. I don't think it sunk in how he said it. The dullness in his voice. The quivering. The sign of someone about to break. So fragile and delicate and I was a meteorite crashing into the earth. 

"It has to be Rylin," I said. Unthinking. "I love her."

I turned to face him. I didn't know what I said was wrong, but he was in tears.

...

I guess I felt like if I ignored it, then that vibe would just...go away, one day? And that my friendship with him would be unaffected...?

I cover my mouth with my hand. Is this really how I felt? That I could just ignore Kieran's potential feelings, and they'd go away? Did I need a direct confession from him to acknowledge his pain?

Rav hasn't answered yet. He doesn't have to.

"I think I've really messed up," I say, looking down at my feet as realization creeps in. 

"Aw, that's okay. You're young! And you've known him forever. How could you have known?"

My eyes are feeling a little weepy, but I fight back the urge. Rav repositions himself next to me and puts his arm around my back, holding me reassuringly. 

The den feels quieter than usual, the crackling of the fire the only sound aside from Rav's calm, rhythmic voice. Shadows stretch across the walls, flickering with each shift of the flames, and the faint scent of Calico smoke lingers in the air, keeping things minty.

"What part about it has gotten you the most mixed up, hm?" he asks, tilting his head inquisitively. "Do Nephilim not approve of boy's love stories?"

"It's not that," I say defensively. "Although, I've never thought about having that kind of relationship with another guy. It just...always felt like I'd find romance with a girl, you know?"

Rav nods his head vigilantly. "Absolutely. Though I've ferreted with some Ferin in my day, it was all in good fun. Bree is the one who holds the key to my heart."

"Ferre-what?" I say, grimacing. 

Rav clacks his fan open with his tail, covering his face with it. Where'd he even get that thing from, anyway? "Ahem. Enough of that," Rav says, the tail and the fan wiggling back and forth viciously.

"Now you know how Kieran feels, August. Or rather, now you have accepted that you've known for a while. Isn't that right?"

"Something like that," I say, crinkling my brow. 

"Does it change how you feel about him?" my mentor asks all the right questions.

"No. Of course not," I say. "He is important to me. He has always been important to me."

"You're a wise boy. And a good friend. But how will you approach the subject? Will you play the fool, or perhaps the executioner?"

"I'll be the best friend. I'll tell him I know how he feels. But he already knows where my heart is. It's on the moon, with Rylin. And until the day I free her, that's where it stays."

Rav closes his eyes and smiles. "August Madera of the Nephilim. One of the best men I've ever met, and yet you're not even a man."

"Shut up."

Rav pops up from the couch and stretches again. "Well, bedtime for me. And you, sir, have a conversation to have."

"I wasn't going to do it today!" I panic. "When the time feels right."

Rav's usual smirk fades, his voice lowering as he looks at me directly. "Look, like it or not, you're his world. You don't wanna leave him hanging in it, do ya?"

"I'll try tonight, but if it doesn't work out, then some other time."

On that note, we walk out of the den and find Kieran and Decoy still sitting by the fire, but both of them fast asleep, Deek with her head on Kieran's lap. They're adorable - like brother and sister. It's as much of an answer as any - the conversation isn't going to happen now. 

Rav conjures two extra fluffy clouds and wafts them up under Kieran and Decoy, suspending them both without moving them an inch so they remain fast asleep. He magicks Kieran off toward his room and Decoy off toward the guest room where she often stays. I wave goodnight to both of them, even though they can't see or hear me. 

"Sometimes I'm jealous of your magic, Rav. All I can do is blow things up."

"Yes, yes, the superiority of my magic versus the brutish expulsions of yours is not lost on me."

Rav snaps his fingers and falls backward, a cloud appearing behind him and raising him aloft. "Nighty night, August!" he calls as he's whisked away to his quarters. 

"Nighty night, Rav."