the heart on the moon

"So, what did you want to talk to me about?" Kieran says, his eyes darting around the room like he'll find a clue. He closes the door behind him when he comes in. At least he knows it's a private conversation.

"You. Me. Us." I don't know how best to put it. "The future."

Kieran makes himself small, standing in the doorway. "Well," he starts, "It sounds like last night you and Rav spoke about that, and you both decided we'll be traveling north to investigate a famine..."

"I don't mean our future in the short-term," I say, beckoning him over. "Come, sit."

Kieran sits on the edge of my bed like a polite stranger. He's still so guarded from yesterday - a far cry from how he and I normally are. I thought last night we'd smoothed some of it over. Maybe the stress of this conversation brought him back to this point.

"Get comfy. Why are you being so weird today?" I try to smile. He begrudgingly lays down on the bed, diagonal from me. 

It's tough. Thinking about every detail of this moment. How many times have he and I been here, exactly like this, and it wasn't weird? Just two best friends hanging out. But now I'm overlooking it, overthinking it. Questioning our level of intimacy. 

"Hey, Kieran," I say softly, because I don't know what else to say. When you think of the perfect future, what do you envision?"

He's taken aback by the question. For a moment, he ponders in silence, staring at the wall. But before long, he looks over to me and makes a face. He didn't notice I was studying him.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" He's defensive. I'm not even sure if he'll answer the question, so I'm relieved as he starts.

"Well, you know... we have to defeat the Flamekeeper," he says. "Can't have a maniac going around trying to blow up the moon."

"Obviously. What else?"

Kieran stops himself. "I suppose I'd like to learn more about Arcanics. We could travel the world, finding and collecting Arcanics. Learning how they work..."

"You and me?" I ask.

"Yeah," he responds, "There's so much to see, you know? And by the time we defeat the Flamekeeper, we'll be crazy strong, so we won't have to worry about anything, we can just..."

I'm staring off into space. "This is all after we've killed all the Encephalim on the moon?" I wonder aloud.

"I don't want to kill all the Encephalim on the moon, August."

There it is. 

He looks at me, anxious. He didn't want to say it, but he couldn't lie to me. 

"Is it because you don't want to save Rylin?" I ask, my heart heavy.

Kieran looks at me in disbelief. "No. What? Why would you say that?" 

He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. "It's because I don't want you to die. I don't - I don't think it's possible, August. And it's not part of your destiny. And Sola herself said she'd have to kill you if you ever tried to go to the moon again, I just - "

"I would save Rylin from her fate in a heartbeat, even at the risk of death. I would give everything I own to see my brother again. But the one thing I would never sacrifice, August...is you."

"Why me? Why not your actual brother?"

It's like going through the motions. He knows. I know. But we've never walked that road together.

"Because...you're more than a brother to me, August..."

"What am I, exactly?"

It's harder for him than it is for me. I know that as I look at him. The light trembling of his arm. The anxious rocking of his left thigh, rattling the bed frame. I see an infinite amount of thoughts and feelings swirl in a vortex within him before he dares to speak out loud. 

"Do I really have to say it?" Kieran bites his lip and turns away. 

"Only if you want to. But I'll never understand if you don't."

"I know you want to see Rylin again. But I don't think it's possible. And...well, maybe that means you'll never love again. But if there was a chance that I could bring you even half the comfort she brought you, then maybe..."

"Maybe I'd get over her? You and I could spend our lives together instead?"

"Something like that."

I look away from Kieran - he's already off in his own world, anyway. We sit there in comfortable silence. We might not be finished with our conversation, but no words need to be said. Not right now. We're both thinking about it. I respect Kieran too much to slap down everything he's said and tell him it sounds like a horrible life. It doesn't. Of course, it doesn't align with what I'd imagined my perfect life to be. Kieran has always been in my dreams. More as the 'friend next door' than sharing a house, though... 

"I don't know how to respond without sounding like a monster," I admit. "What, should I be honest? Should I tell you that if I knew it was impossible, if Rylin were dead right now, that I would consider it? Even thinking that feels cruel, Kieran. You deserve someone who wants to be with you unconditionally."

"I never think about it in those terms," he replies quietly. "I just want to bring you comfort. It doesn't matter if it's for a year, or the rest of our lives."

"Kieran. I don't know if you and I want the same things in life, but you're the most important person in the world to me. I don't know if I want to kiss you, or have a family with you...and maybe I never will, but, um..."

I can't stop thinking of Rylin. The reality is clear to me. I don't know what I want for the rest of my life, but I know I can't leave Rylin alone, wasting away so that everyone else can go on living. Maybe I left my heart behind on the moon. 

I clear my throat, the weight of the moment pressing down on me. "But you deserve to know that you're not just my Vessel. You're my partner, my friend, and the reason I dream of a happy future at all."

He looks at me, his expression unreadable for a moment, then softens into something vulnerable and real.

"Maybe that's enough for now," he says quietly.

"Maybe it is," I reply.

For a while, we sit there, the silence comfortable for the first time in what feels like an eternity. 

Before long I find myself heavy, at peace enough to fall asleep, and I finally get my nap in, with Kieran at my side.