Charcoal Coconut ice cream

One of the few memories I was able to retain of Akira, was her exchanging her purple spiral necklace at the market for some canned fish, a basket of veggies, and a second hand yellow dress she got off the body of the fish sellers daughter, I think I was around four years old.

What stayed with me was her eyes and the amount of soul breaking sadness in them as she tried to distract me from the the fact that she needed a good cry.

She must have really loved that purple necklace…too bad, same can't be said about me. Her eyes right this moment was bright green, if anything, it only had fear in them.

Fear that I might do the most selfish thing like free myself from the slavery she sold me into and come home.

I felt like I'd been punched in the gut.

Scratch that! It felt like someone had wrapped their fist around a razor sharp bar wire and punched me in the coochie!

The question was so abrupt, so insensitive, that it took my breath away…I meant that literally.

I stared at Akira, my eyes wide with hurt and shock.

"What, you're already tired of me being here?" I asked, trying to keep my voice steady.

Akira's expression softened, and she reached out to touch my arm.

"No, Kaida, that's not what I meant. I just...I need to know what's going on."

I pulled my arm away, feeling a surge of anger and hurt.

"You need to know what's going on? You need to know?" I wiped my face like a mad person.

"You have no idea what I've been through, what I'm still going through. And now you're asking me when I'm leaving? Like I'm some kind of guest who's overstayed her welcome?"

My eyes filled with tears, and Akira took a step back, looking like she'd been slapped. "Kaida, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that."

But I was beyond consolation. I felt like I'd been opened up and exposed, like all my wounds were raw and bleeding again.

Like I was five years old again clutching my favorite teddy bear and my fucking mother just sold me to a fucking monster and never looked back!

I felt a surge of defensiveness, but I tried to keep my cool…too late.

"I don't know, Akira. I haven't really thought about it since my husband rejected me in front of his family and pack. So I get that my presence here is inconveniencing your life and I would care about that...except my life is falling apart!"

Akira's eyes narrowed. "Divorce? Kaidaira!" She screamed "You should have done everything in your power to make sure Master Ryder Steele kept you."

I felt a sting from her words.

"Kept me?" It sounded like I was a dog.

"Yes!" Akira cut me off, her voice rising. "You didn't do enough, Kaida. If you had done everything humanly possible to make Master Ryder Steele like and keep you, he wouldn't have rejected you. You failed, Kaida. You failed me, and you failed yourself."

I felt like going closer to her to hurt her…to slap her.

And I did go closer to her and I grabbed her by the arms and I forced her to look at me.

"What's my favorite ice cream flavor, Mama?" I screamed at her.

"Mango" she said, mostly out of fear of physical harm.

"Wrong" I screamed. "Try again! It's charcoal Coconut ice cream and did I mention I have a severe allergy to coconut milk? Yet it's my favorite…do you know why?" I screamed at her.

She shook her head, pale from fear.

"Because it's Ryder's favorite ice cream. So every Tuesday, I eat some with him and then I proceed to the bathroom to have the most excruciating hive of my life but I'm a silver Fur wolf, so it only affects me for about thirty minutes and I'm whole again, so it doesn't really count, right? Yeah, of course not…anything to make Master Ryder like me"

I sniff back snot.

"What's my favorite movie, Mama?" I asked her again.

"Mulan" she whispered.

"Actually, it's a Spanish documentary on the life span of bees…do you know who is fluent in five languages including Spanish?" When she didn't speak, I was forced to threaten her "Speak up, Mama!"

"Ryder. Ryder Steele is fluent"

"That's correct! You know who isn't?" I asked her and she shook her head.

"Me" I whispered, tears running down my face. "I didn't get any education. I'm good for blood and as a whore"

My lips trembled.

"I'm a twenty four year old woman who loves an ice cream she's allergic to and who's favorite film is a documentary she can't understand. I can't read, I can b-barely write my name and-" my voice shook like a windy leaf. "I don't know where Ryder stops and I begin"

I let out a choked cry.

"That line blurred a long time ago because my own mother looked me in the eyes when I was barely a girl and told me to do everything in my power to make a little boy like me because my survival depended on it! And I did!" I finally screamed in her face.

"I am twenty four years old and I have no identity, Akira! I have no home! I'm heartbroken and I'm pissed! Because like the rest of you adults who ruined my life, my husband's betrayal is dangerously close to your sin. And if you can't support me, then maybe I don't need you in my life either."

Akira's face went white with shock, and for a moment, I thought I saw a glimmer of sadness in her eyes. But then her expression hardened, and she turned away from me. "Fine, Kaida. If that's how you feel, then maybe it's best if you do leave... don't come back"

It felt like a stab to the heart.

"Sit down. You are going to answer some questions before I leave your life for good, Akira"

"What question-"

"Sit the fuck down, Mama!"

She did.

"I have questions and you are going to answer them. You owe me that at least"

"Then ask it" she said defiantly.

"Who's my father and why do you have another daughter named Kaidaira. And most importantly, why am I so amped up in pheromones that I could literally screw anything with a pulse just to scratch that itch in me?"