Chapter 6: THE RED JOURNAL

January 11th

I won't be able to attend school anymore. A representative is always by the door. He slips away at night when he thinks I'm asleep. It's probably an affair.

I think my parents are ashamed of me. They still don't believe that I wasn't to blame. Because Mr. Bates comes from a wealthy family, I don't believe there will be any repercussions for his actions.

I cried all morning. I didn't think people could be this cruel.

February 10th

Morning sickness again. The doctor said it would probably continue until after the first trimester.

My parents discuss me like I'm not in the room. I feel so invisible and alone.

April 2nd

I felt the baby kick. I guess I'm not alone.

I cried again. Father looks at me with disappointment. I thought having a baby was suppose to be filled with joy and dreams of what color to paint the nursery. Nobody believes me. Why am I so unloved?

October 19th

He was born. The nurse wrapped him in a blanket and took a picture. She told me, "You'll want a picture of this moment someday." I'm sorry Baby Boy, I don't know if I will. I haven't even given him a name.

October 29th

My parents finally believe Mr. Bates is the father. It took a DNA test to prove I wasn't lying. Mr. Bates and his parents came to the hospital to discuss what to do next. Anything short of jail won't satisfy me.

November 1st

I knew in my heart that Mr. Bates wouldn't be punished – his family's influence extends too far. All people care about is how it could ruin his future. What about mine? What about Chez's? The Bates offered to pay for all the expenses and to take the baby once he's weaned. How can I leave my baby in their care when they have so blatantly failed as parents with their own child?

November 16th

We haven't been allowed to leave the hospital yet. Father and mother keep pressuring me to take the Bates' money and sign away my parental rights. I think Mr. Bates' parents have promised to pay them if they can convince me. Or maybe they were threatened. I wouldn't put it past them to use blackmail or bribery.

Mother cried and said that if I don't sign, then Mr. Bates' parents will sue me for custody. I think once they have him, Chez will disappear. Only then will he not be a threat to their son. They don't care about him at all. Mrs. Bates hasn't even asked to hold him once.

Father said they wouldn't be able to afford paying for the baby's care. I know he's lying. We aren't rich but I think he's just trying to pressure me. He asked why I'd want to raise a child born from such a poisonous event. I cried and sent him out of the room. They were prevented from returning to the hospital after that.

November 19th

Mr. Bates' father came with a man today. He didn't say it, but I could tell the man was a lawyer. I pretended to listen while he explained how pitiful my situation was and how helpless I am to change it. I have no money, the school has me under contract until my graduation, and my parents have effectively disowned me. He listed more but I stopped hearing him. The lawyer removed several documents from a briefcase and suggested that there would be substantial pressure from the school if I didn't sign. He placed them on the bedside table asked me to consider the life I was subjecting my baby to. Before he left he suggested I consider what was best for Chez and myself.

I cried. Maybe he was right, but the thought of Chez becoming like them fills me with despair.

November 23rd

I've decided to leave tonight. I'll raise my baby alone. I'll change my name and remove the tracker so they won't be able to find me. There will be no trace of us left behind. He's all I have now. My precious baby.

September 11th

I'm lucky my employer allows me to wait tables while I carry Chez on my back. But sometimes when he cries I think it's only a matter of time before I'm asked to find some other arrangement. A kind woman has been coming to the diner daily. She offered to watch Chez while I work. She said her own child died before he turned seven. I see the pain in her eyes when she looks at Chez. I wonder if that's why she comes to the diner everyday.

December 25th

Chez gets blocks from Cathy. She's been a godsend. I feel so blessed to have her in my life. She's like Chez's own grandmother. Chez doesn't know what to do with the blocks yet.

October 19th

Chez's second birthday. He's so big and smart. He's forming full sentences already. Cathy is certain he's a genius and keeps spoiling him with toys and books.

Yesterday, she gave him a book about cars and told him her son Michael loved that book when he was young. Chez said, "Michael wants it." Cathy couldn't stop crying. She just kept telling him that Michael didn't need it anymore and hugged him tightly. She left soon after and I kissed Chez's little head and thanked god again that I hadn't let them take him away from me.

September 9th

Chez's first day of kindergarten. I hate to see him leave. But he's so smart, I hope he grows up to bring so much good into the world. My precious Baby Boy – make me proud.

The red journal tumbled to the floor. His mother's sloping handwriting swam in front of his eyes as tears ran down his cheeks. The entries lasted until the fourth grade, with the final one mentioning plans to relocate to a new city to enroll Chez in a school system better suited to his academic potential. His mother's journal said that Cathy had helped them move. Regretfully, Chez couldn't even remember her.

Chez reread the entry from the first day of kindergarten and wept loudly, until he was choking on tears, until a lifetime of regrets were spent. Having read the journal, there was no catharsis, only a flood of conflicting emotions that overwhelmed him – blinding him from a path forward. All night he remained on the floor beside the red journal and a box of secrets.

From the room's feature most loved by his mother, the sky reached its peak of shadowy stillness, resting in a liminal moment between darkness and the first whispers of light. Gradually it awakened, growing brighter and more radiant until breaking into an hour of golden light.

A blinding light splashed across Chez's face. He turned his head and saw the robot spider standing upright on the table, the golden light reflecting off its metal body. He remembered his mother holding it gently in her hands. "Just like you," echoed his mother's words.

Like the sky, Chez awoke from his own liminal stillness. For over a month he had fixated on the insurance company's culpability, unable to let go. Now he felt reborn with a new sense of purpose. He composed himself, pulled out his phone, and after a moment's hesitation, dialed the lawyer.

As it was still quite early, he left a message stating his intention to not sue the insurance company. He now had a more pressing need for the money.

Looking at the state of the apartment, he began to clean. From tomorrow onward, he would strive to honor his mother's wish.