The Longing Heart

Four years ago, before the loop happened. A day before my family shattered.

I was playing my favorite game with Maria. Even though it was my favorite game, she seemed to enjoy it too. I thought she was slowly starting to like it, but I was wrong. She never liked the game.

No matter what game we played, she always seemed to enjoy it. At first, I thought she just liked playing any game. Sadly, I knew it was wrong.

She never seemed to play games alone. On the contrary, when she was with me, she was always the first to ask me to play games. She introduced me to console games and played with me.

"Then why does she play games if she doesn't like them?" This question made me think.

"Is it because of me?" This answer came from my self-confidence, feeling accepted into this family.

But fantasy things are always more beautiful than the real truth. Just like my foolish thought that I was right. Because the truth was wrong.

"Maria, play with him. Don't let him be lonely, he's your new family," my mother said to Maria.

"Why do I have to keep him company all the time? Why not you?" Maria replied.

"You're the most likely to win his heart. To him, maybe Raymond and I are just adults who picked him up, not his parents."

"Of course, you can't be his parents anyway."

"Why are you talking like that, Maria? One day, we will be a happy family! I'm sure that day will come."

"How can you be so sure, Mom? You can't even see the future, what makes you so sure about that?"

"Hope."

"Ha? Don't think me will believe in miracles."

"Ugh, never mind! Take him to play! That kid is like a haunted house that no one wants to enter. You have to decorate that house beautifully."

"That means you're just a strange person who wants to live in a haunted house."

"I don't want to live there, I just want to change it."

"Crazy woman. Because of you, Dad has to bear the heavier burden, you know!?" Maria looked at her mother angrily.

While her mother just remained silent and looked down. Slowly, she said in a very soft tone:

"Play with him, please..."

After that, Maria walked away, leaving her mother who could only stand there silently, pondering.

Meanwhile, I, who was also watching and listening to them, could only hide. I ran as fast as I could so that Maria wouldn't suspect anything strange about me. I had to force a fake smile all day. While at night before bed, I asked myself:

"What was I born for?"

It doesn't need an explanation why their conversation seemed to be about me, who they considered a stranger. Because they were right, I was just an adopted child who was picked up from an orphanage whose name I didn't even know.

I, who now realize my position in this house. But I pretended not to know, hoping that one day I would be fully accepted by them. While holding back the guilt because I also realized I was hurting them without realizing it.

I was tired of all this, Maria who always pretended, my mother who always tried her best to make me accepted by the family, and also my father who always seemed not to care about anything, but I knew he carried a heavier burden than before I came to this house.

Every time we ate together, I always tried to take a very small portion. Feeling afraid of my father's gaze that always looked at me sharply when I lifted my spoon to my mouth. I couldn't understand what he was thinking. I didn't want to understand. Because I was afraid of the truth. But I also because I didn't know. That's why I just kept quiet, deceiving myself to get used to that situation until now.

But every human being has patience. Just like me. I vented my discomfort one day during dinner together. That day, I revealed the truth of what I knew and was also angry about it. I vented my emotions and memories in that house with a long string of words. While they just listened to me talk as I pleased, I kept holding back my guilt all the time. Until finally, I ran to my room feeling scared.

"Do I still have hope to be accepted again?"

I just wanted to be accepted, I didn't really want to vent my anger at them. They didn't do anything wrong, they were actually the victims, they didn't do anything bad, they just did what they should have done. It was actually me who was the only one wrong in this.

I should be grateful to have a place to go home to.

"But it doesn't matter, starting tomorrow I'll be kicked out. Ahahaha, maybe soon... An hour... A minute... A few seconds later... Ahahaha, after that... I'll die on the streets. Without a family... Just myself... And die..."

But I was wrong, the next day I was still at home. Only, the three of them became strange. Maria became quiet and shut herself in. Dad often tried to talk to me, even though it always seemed like he gave up every time he did. While my mother became less talkative with me.

Every time my father tried to talk to me. I was always ready to be kicked out of the house. But he always ran away, I thought that maybe it was because he also felt guilty. That's why I realized again that I was actually making things worse because of my stupid actions that I couldn't control. I hurt them again and even worse than before.

I took advantage of their kindness, trying to look like a victim, in the end I could only regret my actions and keep feeling hurt. But now I realize, I was the only one wrong.

Day after day I went through it, day after day I endured, day after day I tried to act to fix it, but day after day my heart was afraid of the uncertainty that might happen.

"Maybe I'll just make things worse. So it's better if I don't do anything."

That mindset was embedded in my brain without me realizing it. Making me close myself off even further so that no one knew my true desires.

But in the end, it was me who found my true self. I also realized that the only one who could handle myself was myself. I am free, I am not controlled by anyone, I am just myself.

As I began to break free from the shackles, I began to build up the courage to act. I started to figure out how to solve problems with other people. I started doing research on the issue.

All I wanted was one thing, to make my family understand each other and become a normal family. Right now, I also have a job, I'm grateful to them for that, that's why I have to repay their kindness. I have to fix what I've broken.

The results of my research for several months were not in vain. I found the answer to the question that had haunted me for so long.

"What should I do to apologize to others?"

Because I have to apologize to them for my stupidity.

And it turns out the answer is very simple.

"Communication."

That means I have to talk to them directly.

But strangely, I didn't feel relieved after getting the answer. Because I realized that I had known the answer from the beginning. It's just that I was too afraid to do it. In the end, I just ran away and tried to find new happiness until I unconsciously went around in the same place after forgetting the route that had always been the same. My goal never changed, namely fear of uncertainty, and regret for the past, also hatred for myself for being stuck in fear.

But this time is different, the loop forces my brain to adapt, until finally in this situation I have a mindset that is very different.

"Do whatever it takes as long as you can still do something."

After 168 loops, I finally got my courage. Sometimes I think that maybe this is a futile act to save her. Maybe I'll still be stuck after I succeed. That's why I don't care too much about this loop. Instead, I'm grateful, because I can have this very valuable opportunity.

Sadly, I have to see Maria die hundreds of times just to understand how precious life is. Someone's life shouldn't be played with like this. I don't know who's behind this. But I'm sure there's someone who deliberately created this situation.

Not wanting to hurt her any further. I knocked on her door on the morning of the 169th loop after I saw Maria hanging herself.

"Who is it?"

"It's me, your brother."

"..."

"I want to talk to you, Maria. Can you open this door for me?"

"What for?"

"I just want to talk to you."

"Why?"

"I just want to-"

"Why are you doing this now!?"

Her voice sounded very loud from behind the door. There was a sad tone that I could hear, her hoarse voice made me realize that. But there was also anger humming with that sadness.

"Um... Maria... I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize!"

"Ok-okay, I know I'm wrong. I've also stopped expecting your apology, sorry... I mean... Forget it. No, um... I mean..." I panicked, I couldn't say anything. While Maria just listened silently to me sounding panicked.

"Hihihihi... Ahahaha..., you never change. You're such a coward..."

"So-sorry, I haven't talked to anyone in a long time."

"Do you rarely interact with your co-workers?"

"N-no... Not like that. Um... Actually!..."

"You're just awkward with me, I know. You don't need to explain it. Because I know."

Unlike what I expected, my failure to communicate opened the door to her room. Making me happy because of that. Without realizing it, I smiled.

Maria also smiled at that moment while saying:

"Come in."

There are no words I can express at that time. I was too happy because I felt there was hope. But strangely, I could only stand there silently while sitting on the edge of her bed while avoiding her gaze who was standing with her arms crossed and seemed to be waiting for something.

"Didn't you want to talk about something?"

"Uh-uh... Yes!"

"Then... What?"

"That..."

Not long after, Maria sighed and said, "You never change... Really. I really hate it when you're act like a loser, bro."

"So-sorry!"

"I told you I don't need that. I just want to know what you want to talk about."

I got more panicked, I couldn't look at her face because of fear. At that moment, Maria approached me with a feeling of annoyance and held both sides of my face, forcing my eyes to meet hers.

"Look into the eyes of the person who is talking to you."

"So-sorry...," I remembered the hidden knife. Quickly looking at Maria's wrist covered with her sweater, making me confused about it.

"Why are you wearing a sweater in the morning? Where's your pajamas?"

"Ah... That...," she hesitated about something.

"Let me see your wrist."

"Ehhh? Are you getting bold just for your lust? I know we're not siblings, but you're such a jerk!"

"Stop joking with me, Maria. Why are you trying to kill yourself?"

"H-haaah?"

She realize something , she ran after that, ran and kept running to the bathroom. Looking for something she was hiding, while I, who saw that, took out the knife I had been keeping and showed it to her while saying:

"Is this what you're looking for?"

She could only stand there silently after seeing the knife in my hand. Her face looked panicked, making me confused why she was acting like that. But she looked scared, she was afraid of something. Not of me, but of something else, or maybe... Someone she knew.

She didn't want the news that she tried to commit suicide to spread. But strangely, she must have known that she didn't need to think about it if she was dead. That made me very sure that Maria still had a desire to live but she had a problem that forced her to do that.

That's why I said to her:

"You don't have to worry, I know everything, and I won't let anyone know about it. But I want you to do something for me."

"W-what is it? I'll do anything, so don't tell anyone! Or my school life will be ruined!"

"School?" Those words made me understand the general problem that Maria had. And I was very sure I could find it at her school now.

"N-no, forget it! What should I do?"

I smiled, because my decision from the beginning was firm. Whatever and wherever Maria's situation was, I would definitely say the same thing, even if I had to repeat it millions of times.

"Let me help you."