Chapter 8: Actually, I do have something for you
With those words, the system went silent. Not a peep, as if it never existed in the first place—like a ghosting ex who took all the red flags with them.
Zach stood there, arms crossed, staring at his "luxury accommodation"—a bed made of straw, surrounded by a delightful collection of rat droppings, questionable puddles, and enough rodents to start a petting zoo. Sitting down was out of the question. Absolutely not.
So, he did what any sane person would do—he paced. Stood still. Fidgeted. Counted how many rats passed by. Lost count. Started over. Debated making one of them his emotional support rat. And then, finally, after what felt like he had served a full prison sentence, he blurted out, "System, how much longer do I have to wait?"
[1 hour 10 minutes.]
"..."
Zach blinked. Once. Twice. Then, he erupted. "WHAT?! After what felt like a damn eternity, you're telling me it's only been five minutes?! NO WAY! This has to be some kind of sick joke! Time moves slower here than in my late grandma's prayer meetings!"
Said Zach, who was still fuming, hands on his hips, pacing like a madman when—
"Oi, chill the hell out," a gruff voice from the next cell grumbled. "You're disturbing my beauty sleep, man."
Zach stopped mid-step and turned, narrowing his eyes at the figure in the dim light. A scruffy old man with a beard that looked like it had been growing since the dinosaurs went extinct was sitting cross-legged, picking at his toes like he was on a damn vacation.
Zach squinted. "And what crime did you commit to end up in this five-star hellhole, Mr Sleeping Beauty?"
Hearing the question, the old man sighed dramatically as his expression turn into that of a lonely wise man at the top of the mountain. "I yawned while the king was talking."
Zach blinked. "Huh?"
"Yeah," the old man continued. "I let out a little yawn, and the next thing I know, guards are slamming me down, calling me a 'disrespectful swine,' and tossing me in here. Talk about overreacting. I mean, I wasn't even a loud yawn—it was classy, silent, with just a little lip quiver. But nope, straight to prison!"
If someone who yawn before the king is in prison, then I who slept with his concubine will... Gulp*
Zach was about to comment when—
"HAH! That's nothing!" another voice chimed in from the left.
Zach turned to see another prisoner, a burly guy with a missing tooth and a scar that made him look like he should be leading a bandit gang. He leaned against the bars with a smirk.
"You wanna know why I'm in here?" he asked.
"Please, enlighten me," Zach said, already bracing for something serious after all dude looks buff, he must have lead thousands of gang members to do bad things.
The guy grinned. "I farted near the princess's horse."
"..." Zach's face went blank. "What the..."
"Damn thing got spooked, ran off, and crashed into a market stand. Next thing I know, I'm labeled a 'terrorist against the royal family' and BAM—prison."
Zach just stared. "So let me get this straight. One of you yawned, and the other… farted."
Both prisoners nodded solemnly.
Before Zach could further process the stupidity surrounding him, while pitying those two, the farting convict turned his head and licked his lips while staring intently at Zach.
Seeing this, Zach felt something primal inside him scream in terror as he slowly turn his head to look at the man who and and then...
Then came the wink.
Zach's soul left his body the moment he saw it, it can't be what he is thinking, no way in hell will it...
"You know… I didn't look at you clearly in the first place but now that I did, you got a real nice figure." The man leaned in against the bars, voice dropping to a whisper as if he was talking to his lover.
Zach froze.
The man grinned wider. "I think I love you."
Zach took a step back. "B-Bro… I'm a dude."
The man's eyes twinkled. "Oh really?" His grin stretched even wider. "That's even better."
'HELL NO!'
Zach's brain went into overdrive as he felt like yelling for the guards to come sabe him from this creep! Was this how ladies feel when a guy they don't like make advances at them? Damnit!
The old man started laughing looking at the young guy, while Zach staggered back, looking like he had just been told his favorite waifu got married to another man. "What the hell?! I like girls! BOOBS! CURVES! WAIFUS! NOT—" He pointed at the guy's crotch like it was a cursed object with his face turning red from anger. "NOT WHATEVER THE HELL YOU HAVE UNDER THERE!"
The man smirked, patting his thighs proudly. "You should be honored to even glimpse upon my royal asset."
"What the fuck— No! Hell no! Keep that thing away from me!" Zach nearly gagged.
"What, scared you'll fall for me?" the man teased.
'FALL FOR WHAT?! I rather FALL INTO HELL?!' Zach screamed inwardly, throwing a fit.
The guy chuckled… then suddenly grabbed the prison bars and shook them violently.
The metal let out a CRACK.
Zach's stomach dropped up on seeing this. "Oh no…"
The guy grinned like a predator spotting fresh prey. "Ah, yes… I will eat you today."
"OH HELL NO!" Zach let out a strangled noise.
"Ah Yes!" The man stepped in, hands outstretched, fingers twitching like he was about to grope the air itself.
Zach, for the first time in his life, truly understood how women felt when some creep tried to grab them. "Holy shit, this is terrifying!"
His mind raced. He needed distraction. Fast. "WAIT! Wait, wait, wait!" Zach held up a hand, backing up into the corner of his cell. "H-How about we, uh, talk first? You know, get to know each other before, uh, ANYTHING happens?"
The guy tilted his head, intrigued. "Oh? What a considerate little thing you are."
Zach forced a smile. "Heh… yeah, sure… totally..."
****
1 Hour 9 Minutes Later…
[Ding! Host will be transported in 30 seconds.]
Zach, who was currently massaging a dirty, smelly, bald man with a missing tooth and breath so bad it could resurrect the dead just to kill them again, almost wept tears of joy when he saw the message pop up.
Salvation.
It was like a divine intervention, a holy light shining upon his suffering soul. If he had to endure one more second in this hellhole, he'd have run out of ways to delay the inevitable.
The bald menace let out a satisfied groan. "Ahh… That's right, my little rabbit. You're pretty good with those hands~"
Zach had never wanted to cut his own hands off more in his entire life.
The pervert sighed dreamily. "But enough games. I know you're just stalling… so, tell me, my sweet, tender snack—are you ready for Daddy to eat you?"
Zach's soul nearly left his damn body.
Then… he saw it.
The countdown.
3 seconds left.
The bald bastard couldn't see the hologram.
Zach's fear twisted into a devilish grin.
"Actually," Zach said sweetly, clenching his fist, "I do have something for you."
The pervert's eyes lit up. "Oh~? You're finally giving in?"
BAM!
Zach's fist rocketed into his godforsaken nose, sending his bald head snapping back like a damn whiplash victim.
"GAH—"
Not done yet, Zach snatched up the stick he'd hidden earlier.
THWACK!
He slammed it down on that shiny, hairless skull like he was beating a drum in a war march.
The guy collapsed, clutching his face. "YOU LITTLE—"
Too late.
Zach's body faded into light as he teleported away, leaving only a single stick rolling onto the floor.
Silence.
The bald man sat there, nose bleeding, head swollen, utterly stunned.
The yawning old man from the next cell, who had been unbothered this entire time, finally turned to look. He blinked at the bleeding, dazed pervert, then at the stick on the ground.
"In the name of the twenty gods…" the old man muttered. "What the hell just happened?"