Chapter 72 - Changed

After waking up, I had a little problem... 

First, it presented itself as a peculiar sensation: I wasn't used to walking slowly.

At least, I didn't think I was. However, I was forced to do so, as everything now felt unfamiliar. My steps were steady, it wasn't an issue with the muscles or anything, but... I don't know... It was... something different. I had a slow, dragging feeling as if I were being weighed down by some invisible force. The weirdest thing was that the moment I was using my body to exercise, it was gone. Yet, the moment I stopped, it came back.

At first, I thought it would go away. But it didn't.

I'd spent a week in the medbay after waking up, having constant checkups either by Vila or by Master Ben. Then, after being discharged, I was meeting with the others, including Iowi and Jalo. To my surprise, the former was just as relieved that I was fine as my rodian friend.

Which felt nice. And it prompted me to get back to routine training... Right... That was when the other issues began to surface.

The moment I tried to lift a training ball, nothing major, just a simple object, it hadn't so much as wobbled. I immediately knew why I felt sluggish. The Force wasn't flowing right... Or, it wasn't listening to me the right way... It sat there, motionless, while I stared at it like an idiot. Something in me reached for it, that part was the same... But as I tried, it felt hard, like pushing back against me... So I came out empty-handed in the end. The more I tried, the more I realized I had hit a wall.

My frustration must've radiated out way too strongly, because Master Ben came to find me not long after, yet I was alone when I discovered the issue... and I didn't mention it to anyone. He found me at one of the balconies, and he didn't ask questions; he just sat beside me on the old stone ledge that overlooked the jungle canopy before us.

"Your Force connection feels wrong, doesn't it?" He got straight to the point. I appreciated it because... it felt genuine.

"Dead," I muttered. "I can't even levitate a rock."

"No, it isn't dead, but it is resisting you." He nodded, rubbing his jaw, and I felt as if he was recalling something from his own past... That feeling was super intense for some reason, making me perk up, "It's trauma... I know it well."

"...?" I turned my head, curious, and the feeling coming from him was indeed stronger than I had ever felt it before. I couldn't tell if it was part of the change I went through or... "Master? You?"

"When I was young," he said, "I shut myself off from the Force for years. It was amidst the Yuuzhan Vong wars. After… everything that happened... I didn't even know I'd done it. But my mind tried to defend me in the only way it could. Later, it was my cousin Jacen who helped me find my way back from that state, and he became my Master."

His voice carried a subtle, heavy weight, and I suddenly felt guilty for thinking I was alone in this. I wasn't... Of course not. Not to mention... Jacen Solo. I brought up memories I shouldn't have... Everyone knew him; sadly, most people now knew him as a madman, Darth Caedus, some even calling him the second Darth Vader. No wonder people looked at my Master's bloodline as a cursed one... 

"I didn't mean to close myself off," I murmured, not really knowing what else I could say, "but it's like a part of me has been… lost."

"It has indeed. Your mind did it to protect you, most likely." He gave me a faint smile. "You'll find your way back. You did it once, just not all of you came back in one piece. Part of you is still out there, in the Force, lost. At least, that is what my father believes. In time, it should return to you, but you will have to work on it."

I looked down at my hands, listening to him. My fingers were still shaking faintly... He may be right. No... He was right. I didn't lose everything. I still had access to the Force, in a way, an even greater and deeper access...

But it mainly became instinctive. Not something I could control, but something that happened, nonetheless, whether I wanted it or not. In sparring drills with Vila yesterday, my body moved before I thought. Vila had pushed me hard, testing my limits, trying to get me to engage, and I responded faster than ever. My blade had met hers in midair without conscious direction, and I'd known where she would strike before her sabers even moved. It was the quickest duel we had because I disarmed her... in two and a half moves.

Of course, she then forced me to practice for four hours straight...

Then there was the whisper I felt when I spoke with her afterward, and she... lied to me. It wasn't a bad lie, just a small one when she said she'd been sleeping fine. It wasn't just a hunch. I knew she was lying to me then, and I knew it with clarity. Her words had a different weight, and the false tone rang especially hollow in my mind, immediately warning me that what she said was a lie... She was having nightmares.

I didn't press her on it... knowing how she would react, but the feeling was... weird. The worst thing is, I couldn't control it anymore, just like when I was a young kid. Everything reverted to that state but intensified in a dreadful manner. Whenever I talked with someone, I caught myself reading their feelings so well that, in fact, it felt like I was in their heads. I haven't discussed it with anyone yet, not even Vila.

I wasn't sure if this was part of the recovery… or something else entirely. Sadly, all evidence was pointing towards the fact that this was some type of permanent change.

"Master..."

"You will be fine." He smiled, patting my shoulders, "Your thoughts are in turmoil. Let it settle and don't rush it. Healing takes time... It took years for me to start over, so don't feel lost if it doesn't change from one day to the next."

"I will... try." I nodded, smiling back at him a little.

...

....

...

Later that night, I returned to my room and stared at the curved, metal cylinder on my desk. My lightsaber... It was the second issue I had encountered since resuming practice.

The first time I ignited it after recovery, I expected to see the familiar bluish-pink blade, knowing how Vila used to tease me about its odd hue, saying it matched my 'moody abilities.' But when the saber hissed to life in my hands, after waking up, it felt... different. Vila also furrowed her brows, looking closely. It was still blue. It still had a hue... but it was no longer the typical pinkish-blue I was used to.

It had a more... indigo coloration. It became deeper, stronger in saturation. Still, it felt just as familiar, but... How do I say this... Sharper. As if something within the crystal had changed along with me. I know that kyber crystals are representations of a Jedi's state within the Force. I know that most Dark Side users bleed their crystal to get the red color... But as for what it meant for me? I had no idea.

As for Master, he said it isn't usual for it to change... but it happens, mainly when a Jedi experiences something really traumatic.

Watching it, I turned it slowly in my hand, observing how the light bent against the walls. The hum of it was the same, yet there was something richer in the tone. Something… resonant. With me? Or with the Force? Both? I couldn't tell. In the end, with a sigh, I closed it down and sat down cross-legged, the saber beside me, and tried to meditate.

At first, there was only stillness... Then came the thread, the same one I grabbed onto when Master Yoda visited me... The same one I'd followed back from that void. I was trying to recall our discussion, and I could finally remember parts of it, but not all of it. Some of it felt like a dream, still eluding me. Maybe it was what Ben meant... that part of me is still there on its way back to me.

Taking a deep breath, I focused on the thread, doing my best to follow it inward, into myself.

No visions came this time around, and there were no voices. Only the sense of presence… of others. The people close to my alcove... The new Padawans who arrived at the temple while I was unconscious... I could feel Vila's worry down the hall, sitting in her own alcove, meditating. I could feel Master Rosh's contentment as he drank tea in the courtyard. Expanding my senses further, I could feel Pash, one of the new, younger Padawans, brooding over something he wouldn't say aloud. I think... Yes... he was missing his mother... Sera... He was thinking of her, holding back tears...

And for a moment, I didn't know whether I was reading emotions… or thoughts. And that... It terrified me for some reason.

When I opened my eyes, I was sweating. My heart pounded as if I'd sprinted a mile because this wasn't normal. I'd never felt like this about people before... My biggest issue was that suddenly I didn't know if I could look at them the same way again. I was seeing everyone as they were. Who wants someone to know them perfectly from the get-go?! This was way too dangerous... If anyone learns that just by being near me, I can reveal everything about them, who would want to get close to me?

Everyone has secrets... Everyone needs secrets... We can't just put ourselves out there, not even if we are Jedi. This was... bad.

...

....

...

The next day, Master Ben pulled me aside after morning drills and asked if I'd like to talk. I guess... he was just as sharp as ever.

I hesitated at first, but then nodded, and I felt Vila's gaze on my back, seeing me walk away with Ben. I knew she was worried, and I knew she would ask me about what's going on. She has been holding it back for a long time now, and her patience has run out. I can understand that... we didn't even talk about the kissing thing and everything else that happened. Haaahh... Why does everything need to be so complicated?

"I felt something yesterday," I said as we walked, no longer holding back. "I think I… I heard someone's thoughts. No... Not thoughts. I could read them through their feelings."

"Mhm," Master nodded, and he didn't flinch. "Who?"

"Vila, of course... But... also Master Rosh. And one of the younglings. I knew what they were feeling from just letting myself... be."

"I see..." He studied me, arms folded. "You're not going insane, Kael. What you're experiencing is an intensified form of empathy, something you were already good at. I had something similar, but yours turns out to be even stronger now... one that borders on cognitive resonance. Some Jedi develop it naturally, especially after extreme trauma."

"Haaah... Just when I finally mastered the previous variant... Iowi would have a field day with me if he learns about it..."

"No, he wouldn't." He looked thoughtful while speaking. "He has grown a lot, too. I feel that the imbalance in you could be a reason for your troubles. I think as you learn to live with it, to gain control over it again, your self will slowly return and be completed."

"Haaaah... I miss the old way," I admitted, feeling a bit... No... I was very annoyed. "I want to lift rocks again instead of dealing with... this. Dealing with... me."

"You will," he said with a chuckle, patting my back, "But maybe not until you stop trying to be who you were. Your connection didn't vanish; this is the proof! It evolved. Don't chase the past, Kael, look for the future."

"I..." Listening, I couldn't help but take a deep breath. "Master... What if I start hearing things I shouldn't?" I asked quietly. "What if I can't stop eavesdropping?"

"That's something you'll have to learn to control," Master answered, putting a hand on my shoulder. "But I believe you can. You're still yourself, Kael. Even if you've changed. We all change as time goes on... it is inevitable. Change can be scary, but sometimes it is needed for us to evolve. To become better. Don't let it ruin you, Kael. I have trust in you."

"Thanks... Master..."

"Don't." He smiled warmly at me, "As your Master, I will always stand with you. I will always trust you... Even when you are no longer my Padawan."

"Master?" I asked, because once again, I caught a feeling and...

"No mind reading!" He joked, flicking my forehead, "You will learn of it soon."