What do I want?

"Look upon them and know they look to you for guidance. Look upon them and know they see in you a symbol of strength. Look upon them and know you are their beacon of hope."

— Commissar Alphones Adriges, "To Live in Humility: A Commissar's Manual"

"It is unclear how the elimination of that Agitator will impact their growth within the sub-city in the future." I said listing the multitude of events I went through the last three days, "she was quite elusive till her escorts stepped into a trap I've laid." 

I looked at Sabine who dwarfed the chair she stood next to. I cranked my neck up to not look at chest height and my subconscious mind forebod the neck pain I would feel in due time. 

I stepped away from the bullet board laying the hastily made notes on her desk, "This is informal but I hope it suffices till Im able to formulate a proper report for your colleagues at the Commissars of the Internal Police Forces."

I rubbed over my eyes which grew heavier again, I took out the bottle of caffeine pills once more and treated myself to an hour or two of barely functional consequences. 

Sabine frowned at the Bullet board as if it hoarded secrets that I hadn't shared yet.

Hastily searched and edited Images from my chest Kamera portrayed a series of events telling the tales of my venture. 

"Quite Seargent," Sabine said fixing her predatory eyes on me. 

"I pray you're aware of what kind of predicaments you're putting yourself through with your continued refusal."

"I know Commissar," I said staring at my feet. I felt awfully pathetic with Sinne guarding the door outside. 

Sabine looked down at the floor and sighed, taking off her hat. "You know Kyle, the moment the crisis with the Sub-Cities Planet-wide we will have no further excuses to pair the recommendation letters with refusal rights. We can't keep operatives in the Internal police forces when there is no threat, surveillance and espionage is a tool only wielded with necessity. Not leisures."

"I- I know Commissar." My voice was heavier with my vision blurry. The sounds of water could be heard outside with raindrops falling down. 

Sabine fixed her cap Again, returning to her Commissar persona. "I take it you're aware that the Directorate and Commissariat Vallues Consent as much as value. The moment one outweighs the other, we will have to take steps." 

"I… I know Commissar." 

She stepped past her chair and strolled through the room before she towered over me. "What is it you want Sergeant?" 

For a moment reality began to fate 

What do I want? I felt pressure on my left eye and as I blinked again I was at the bar, Nick and Kira to my right.

 "Feel like buying another round?" He said gesturing at his empty bottle. 

Kira slapped her elbow against his, "Don't settle for booze if he buys you one." The Ice cube in her whiskey twirled as she gently shook her glass. "Get something of high quality when he's buying." 

A chuckle erupted from my right, Ibuki and Lynn smiled at me as well halfway through the night. "Don't let them bully you!" Ibuki said pointing his finger at me like in an accusation. "I treat you right, so how about you treat me one?" 

"Smooth one," Lynn said leaning back and shaking her half-full bottle. "I'm good, Don't worry I won't burn a hole in your pocket." 

What do I want? 

It was loud regardless of the Earplugs dampening the sound, Lynn and I were target shooting, it was ridiculous how fast she was racking her scores up at the seventy-five-meter range. I would call it inhumane if I hadn't seen Sinne racking scores before. 

In the end, she had two-thirds more than me. Lynn rose up tearing the goggles from her eyes. "I hate lying on my stomach so long, my arms feel sore." She lamented. 

I rose to my feet as well. "You sure you don't want to sign up for the Navy? Racking those kinds of numbers are lethal if you're part of boarding parties." I said looking at the results. She was no way near as precise as Sinne, but she was hitting fast. 

"Barely any of those would have been kill shots," Lynn said stretching out her arms. "And they would be wearing Kevlas or shoot back." 

"I get ya," I said as the question rang inside my head. What do I want? 

"Stay away from my daughter!" I got slammed against the wall with his hand firmly on my collar. 

"Do you even know what you're doing? Some of those you killed were innocent and had family!" 

I got punched and my goggles cracked. "Answer me dammit, don't just take it staring at me." He reached for my scarf and yanked it. My hand reached out to his when I noticed it leaving my face. 

I yanked him towards me kicking his leg away and beating him to the ground "No face!" I've declared like some child as this shameful memory faded. 

What do I want? I screamed internally, it was pouring down now. I've clashed again with Lynn and had to drag her back to the clinic. Where she was held. She was in an especially sore mood for weeks if it went that badly. I shouldn't have pushed her…

My arms and feet felt heavy as the fabric soaked itself with water. I've considered to just stand beneath cover and light a lame stick. Being on sick leave for a week or two had its benefits. Especially because Sinne could calm down and start a new one. 

I've lighted it, inhaling grateful for the short moment of tranquility, where the world decelerates, the noises die down, and barely anything matters. 

The back of my neck began to burn as I noticed the predatory gaze of vacant sanity. Someone, something. Was approaching and that fast. 

As I turned I saw the white, gray, and black military uniform of the Directorate. She had two knives, at first, I'd dreaded that Sinne would come back for Vengace, taking my miserable life like she threatened to do, too many times already. 

She had Blond hair and astonishing green Feline eyes. I made hasty steps backward, instead, I was awkwardly stumbling backward unsteady on my feet. 

Two swift swipes reached for me which I barely managed to evade. She was blindingly fast, a fury of blows erupted as I've frantically tried to swat her attack aways or side step them. 

I was fading, fast. She switched to a reverse grip and clobbered me, aiming for my blocking arms, hitting my shoulder. My body gave quicker away than I could comprehend, I didn't feel anything anymore. My arms and legs moved in the familiar defense pattern of martial combat. 

My vision spun as I flew above the ground. Did I lose my head? Was the first thought I had.

Come! Think of it! What do you want!? This can't be it! I shouted to myself hoping it would end.

"I-!" Peanut brown hair in a ponytail flickered at my vision, which made my skin curl and breath ragged. 

"I-!" The taste of copper and Iron was on my throat as my life began to fate. 

Anything! Anything would do! Say something damn you! 

I was shaking, my hands were open and closing, seizing for something which was not dare. My shoulders were slumped, pathetic, I was nothing less than pathetic!. 

"I fail to remember that a man is behind that hood of yours." I felt my head is getting pressed against something rock solid, only cushioned by the moderate layer of fabric. 

"I take it you consider after your recuperated to think it through clearly and achieve it before your path takes you off world," Sabine said releasing me again. 

I looked up with every shred of confidence I could muster. 

"Ye-" I locked up at Sabine's Gineourmous frame. "Yes, Commissar."