Back, when I was younger

"What is this place? It does look like a shower room." 

"It's a changing area for men, cover your eyes." 

"Let me just walk off into your shadow." Her footsteps came closer until her head rested against my back and her arms slung around me.

"What is that for?" 

"Nothing you might need it." 

She disappeared… Into nothing. I looked around, it was strangely calming to be here, feeling this at ease. After everything, felt out of touch and alien.

And there was me, so small, so innocent. Decked out and ready for a beach day. No goggles, no scarf around his face. A time where I felt comfortable in showing off my skin. 

It was the first time that I went to the sea, the first time I ever had a beach holiday. And the first time I was separated from my Biological Family. 

"OHOHOH SON OF MINE!" The Commissar said. His body was ridiculously brown and muscular and his face as always was obscured by the twin mask hoxworth wears. 

Didn't I see him coming since he was out of my perception then? I asked myself.

"You don't mean to say Foster Son? Foster Father?" Young me asked Iratated. 

"Having muscles as much as myself invalidates such technical terms such as "Fosters" even if you're not the son which my wife has born, I took up responsibility and that's why you can call me Papa! And I dare even say, I'm the Directorates greatest Dad!" There he was, the muscular oiled up weirdo whose face nobody knows. 

I moved around the room which was limited by what I knew. 

"This is not a simulation?" 

There is only so much I can do without experiencing a place myself, but I never was here, this room was never shown to me. And you kept those memories at an arms length. I never saw them. 

"So what is the limit then? I thought you were one of the AI's the Technocrats have wired up to their super computers. I don't think you can just conjure up anything from my imagination or past experiences." 

Neither an Artificial or Virtual Intelligence would have complied with such a request, it would have violated the unity accord, for myself with my augmentations I can simulate many of your memories. But I need input from people who actually know you and which memories are shared across the network.

"At least now I know who's on the hook with this."

Who then, I don't think I gave anyone away. 

"Is your wife even okay with that?" Young me asked. "Im basically a complete stranger to the both of them." 

"I have only one wife and son. Unless you mean your sister." 

"I mean your daughter then."

"Why so formal? If you're scared ask the muscles, common touch them!"

"No, why should I touch your muscles?" 

"Dont be scared, touch them! You weren't scared of dissembling and disassembling your weapon, neither when you were shooting it with ear plugs and without. You didn't cower when you faced simulated nightmares, don't tell me the marvel of mankind's greatest creation is intimidating to you?"

"Those muscles are an alloy? Is this an exo skeleton?"

"NO SON! Sorry shouldn't have raised my voice," he leaned in closer. "Cant you hear it? My heart beating with a beat audible even to your ears, the fine distinct lines of my muscles and arteries visible beneath the skin? I'm the greatest thing mankind has to offer and ever will."

Young me's hand slowly reached out to touch it, "it's hot?" 

"And~?"

"What else is it supposed to be?"

"You don't get it son! It's great, and you're supposed to admire it and call it the 'Directorate greatest asset'" 

"But it isn't, I would lie saying that. Especially when I hear the tales of Hoxworth and Timothy how they fought in the eastern fringes over a century ago. I tried to look up material but everything is obscured, even AI powered search engines amount to nothing." 

"And believe me when I say that, it's better that way. Such campaigning should not trouble your mind. You're ready to meet your sister? I can tell you are! You'll love her. She plans about killing her family and I had to adopt you since you would have done the same."

"This conversation is stupid." Young me said, taking the basket and walking out ,the door opened. We skipped ahead of time, I don't know how much later this conversation was, minutes at most, maybe an hour.

"Be at ease my beloved children, Papa will get us something cold! With me honey, we need to have them spend some time amongst each other." 

"Wouldnt it only work if they didn't knew?" My foster father took off in a sprint which seemed inhumanly fast, kicking up dust and paving some sort of forcefield up which made every person leap out of the way before he came close. Or maybe all of the sand he was kicking up was giving them a head's up? 

"Why do you even bother to pretend?" My 'Sister' asked.

"Father told me to fit in if I want to fulfill my purpose for the directorate." 

"But that doesn't mean that you need to pretend, you can be perfectly happy sitting in an empty room and not care yet you choose to be amongst people." 

"I can't interpret your emotions, but I can rationalize them. And I also grow bored." 

"Then, why do all of that, it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. Are you just contempt with living or do you strife for something further"

"I don't know…" I kneeled down to look at young me, he was struggling with an answer which would plague him for a whole nother decade. "I don't know, I guess I'm fine with doing as I was told as long as I remain entertained?" 

"So you tell me you can kill a person as long as you're fed, entertaining and warm?"

"I guess you're right." 

The scene paled as did my vision, instead of walking through a door my focus was dragged away forcibly. 

You always were morbid, even as a child.

"Am I not much different than a Meldier then?"

No, we are not similar. Each of us has wants and desires, they give us purpose and we answer its call. You're a husk, dead man walking searching for water in an ocean which is there for him to drink. 

"I don't think I'll like that analogy but thank you."

You're welcome.

The cold metallic rooms of the technocrats training facilities loomed over us. I looked around for details to narrow down how many years have passed, maybe one? Maybe two at best? Perhaps not even one. What they build looks all the same unless they want to make something awe taking. 

I knew this place too well, I wasn't in the same room as young me… I let out a sight and started to wander around the place. An closed door was not closed to me. Experimentally I tried to put my foot against it and found out it was going through. 

I dint like this notion one bit, but here I was. Fighting once more through a dream space I was aware of.

You can give me credit for where it is due, I tried my hardest in each and every moment. 

"It's impressive, I thought the pinnacle was seeing Gilbert levitate above the floor or halting bullets mid-flight just to redirect them with the same speed and strength back at those who shot them. Maybe even stronger. I think I saw them go through walls and armor once or twice…" 

Since you are aware now, were there any things you wanted to try out when there were no consequences? I've been wondering that since you killed me the moment you grew suspicious there were so many intrusive thoughts you could have acted out. Maybe arm/wrestle with a techguard or rob a bank? 

"You watched too many movies, I'm a functioning member of society so money is not even too big of a problem even when I have to consider going on vacation or recreational purposes. The only bank somebody would rob in the Directorate would be a blood bank. And the Technocrats, as hard as they fought, could not wrangle up any evidence for the existence of vampires." 

That's what they want you to know~. 

Luckly it didn't took to long to find young me, we strode mostly through empty hailwais where rarely an techguard stood tall like a looming statue.

In one of the firing ranges was me, shooting away, exchanging light hearted banter we all thought would emulate the characteristics of grizzled war heroes.

You almost look like a normal boy.

"Define me normal Meldier."

You stand surrounded by people, mimicking their expressions, their joys and boastful nature. But your eyes don't mirror theirs. They still stare with the intensity of a five year old yearning for candy. 

"I never thought about it that way, but thank you for your analogy.

You're welcome, but I have to point out. Your heart beats fast now. You know what's upon you?

"I do…"

Right on cue, the door opened, a dozen young gazes fell upon four our sector. The most dangerous Woman… Lady the Directorate had to offer. Emerald green eyes shining brightly and a curious intensity which drew you in. A Strong Brown Hair in a pony tail and a lab coat In our teenage years, she still was slightly larger than us, except for the other ladies in our Fire team.

It wasn't like that Technocrats never came down here to us. Especially when they were running their own errands or optimized the field further. But she brought a whole different atmosphere with her. 

Even back then, you should have known that appearance is to deliberate. Were you trying to hard with blending in that you didn't saw the coming danger?

"In hindsight it's been obvious she's nothing but bad news, but she had this disarming charm. Where all of your thoughts were put to ease and your focus narrowed down on her. 

Quite the dominating personality. 

"I think that's the goal with the 'Deimos' project, I don't know if she came out of a test tube or was a volunteer child but it has not been fair."

What should have been fair? She came in, all of you volunteered and people died. It's not much different from the operations I've observed. 

"There is a great difference between suffering casualties and committing murder."

She has been way too endearing, I look at this now like it happened back, she came into the room, not announcing herself looking around with a bright smile and catching the attention with each of us. She went through the effort of looking into our eyes making the first of us blush. 

Then she walks over to the terminal to see the results. She flicks through them, making a surprise and impression when she sees high accuracy ratting. Especially when it came in tandem with much time to spare. 

"Impresiv" she said lingering too long over my statistic. "This is the time active military personnel boast about." Some of my team members brushed their fist against me or clapped my back and the mood became more joyful. "Tell me Phillipp."

"Kyle" Young me interjected.

Her smile widened, "Tell me, Kyle. When I look over this your potential is wasted when you could start training to be part of a special forces training quarter. Why do you seek to further your school career?"

"I think there is beauty in creating, I want to become an engineer and harness the wonders of our worlds." For the first time. I saw a flustered face on me. I managed to speak those words without stuttering, but it took a toll on young me to get praised by her. 

"The Technocrats gave me the authority to run a series of tests enhancing anyone who's willing to become someone capable of performing historic deeds. Your name will be remembered in history even in those moments where the Directorate redacts information of such events." 

Some of us shifted unsteadily their body weight from one leg to the other, others were enthusiastic fantasising of being war heroes in shows, books or movies. It was shameful to admit. But back then I was amongst them.