Episode 29: Running in Circles

Dear Diary,

I think I made a mistake.

No, scratch that—I know I made a mistake.

It's been two days since I saw Rei and Sora together at the lockers, and I haven't spoken to her since. Not because I don't want to—god, I want to—but every time I think about facing her, my stomach twists itself into knots.

What am I even supposed to say?

Hey, sorry I've been ignoring you. It's just that I think I might love you, and the thought of losing you makes me want to throw up.

Yeah. No. That's not happening.

So instead, I've been avoiding her. Like a complete and utter coward.

And guess what? It's not helping.

I didn't mean for it to go this far. At first, I thought I just needed some space to sort through my feelings. One day, maybe two. But now, it's turned into something much worse.

Rei has stopped waiting for me in the mornings.

She's stopped messaging me first.

She still sits near me in class, but it's not the same. She doesn't joke around like before. She doesn't nudge my arm or steal my notes just to mess with me.

And today? Today, for the first time since we met, she didn't sit with me at lunch.

I don't know why it surprised me. I mean, I was avoiding her. But seeing her sitting with Sora instead, laughing at something she said, made my chest feel hollow.

I wanted to go over there. I wanted to tell her to sit with me instead. But what right did I have?

I'm the one who ran.

I'm the one who left her waiting for an answer that I still don't know how to give.

"Dude, what's your deal?"

I looked up from my untouched lunch to see Mari staring at me, one eyebrow raised.

"What?" I mumbled.

Mari sighed, setting down her drink. "You look like someone just ran over your dog."

"Thanks."

She rolled her eyes. "Okay, seriously. Are you gonna tell me what's going on, or do I have to guess?"

I hesitated. I hadn't told anyone about Rei's confession—not even Mari. But I was so tired of carrying this around by myself.

So I sighed and said, "It's Rei."

Mari's expression shifted, and for once, she actually looked serious. "What happened?"

I hesitated for a moment before finally confessing. "She… she told me she likes me. Like, likes me likes me."

Mari blinked. "Okay. And?"

"And… I don't know what to do," I admitted, voice barely above a whisper. "I—I like her too, I think. But I'm scared. What if I mess it up? What if—"

Mari groaned, dragging a hand down her face. "Gabu. Oh my god. Do you hear yourself right now?"

I frowned. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means you're being stupid." She pointed her chopsticks at me like a weapon. "You like her. She likes you. This isn't rocket science. Just talk to her."

I swallowed. "It's not that simple."

"Yes, it is," she argued. "But instead of talking to her, you're avoiding her and making yourself miserable. And for what? Because you're scared?"

I flinched.

Mari sighed, leaning back. "Look, I get it. Feelings are messy. Relationships are scary. But if you keep running away, you're gonna lose her. And judging by that pathetic look on your face, I don't think that's what you want."

I didn't say anything.

Because she was right.

I was scared. But more than that… I was scared of what would happen if I waited too long.

What if one day, Rei stopped waiting for me entirely?

After school, I finally worked up the courage to talk to her.

I was nervous as hell, but I knew if I didn't do it now, I never would.

I found her by the vending machines, getting a bottle of tea. She looked up when she saw me, and for a moment, I saw the flicker of surprise in her eyes.

"Gabu?"

"Hey," I said, shifting on my feet.

An awkward silence stretched between us. It wasn't supposed to be like this.

Rei sighed, closing the cap on her drink. "So… are you going to keep ignoring me forever, or is this just a temporary thing?"

I winced. "I wasn't ignoring you."

Her expression deadpanned. "Really? Because it sure felt like it."

I swallowed hard. "I just… needed time to think."

Rei's gaze softened, but there was something tired in her expression. "And did you?"

I opened my mouth—then closed it again.

I didn't know what to say.

Rei sighed. "Gabu, I meant what I said before. I don't want to pressure you. But I can't keep doing this." She looked away, gripping her bottle tightly. "I can't keep waiting for something that might never happen."

Panic bloomed in my chest.

I stepped forward without thinking. "Rei—"

But before I could say anything else, someone called her name.

I turned just in time to see Sora walking up to us.

Great. Just great.

Sora looked between us, clearly sensing the tension. "Am I interrupting something?"

Rei hesitated. Then, with one last look at me, she shook her head. "No. We were just… finishing up."

I felt like I had just been punched in the gut.

Rei walked past me without another word.

And for the first time, I felt like I was really, truly losing her.

Dear Diary,

I don't know what to do.

I keep running in circles, overthinking, hesitating, pushing her away when all I want to do is hold on.

But now… now I think I might have run too far.

And I'm scared I won't be able to find my way back.

Love,

Gabu