chapter 12: suicide is not an option

(This part is dedicated to someone I deeply respect, Bella Cheshire, who gave me hope. There was a time when I doubted whether I should publish my book, unsure if it was even worth reading. But because of her, I found the strength to continue. Bella, all your books, I would read them a hundred times over. :⁠-⁠D

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I ran through the gates, heart pounding, my paws skimming the ground as if they were weightless. My mind raced with a thousand thoughts, but one dominated: how could I make it through this transformation?

In my wolf form, I thought it would be impossible to speak, to communicate. But as I neared the gate, something strange happened. The usual password, the phrase I thought only a human could speak, slipped past my lips like a whispered prayer.

"Mom… help," I thought, linking with her mind.

"Sweetie, where are you?" came her voice, soft yet urgent, vibrating in my consciousness.

"At home, Mom," I thought back, my voice trembling with raw emotion.

My body was shaking, not from the run but from the emotional turmoil inside me. My mind was a storm. A sense of dread and pain washed over me as I saw her rush to the yard, her eyes widening in shock when she saw the unfamiliar wolf before her. The transformation wasn't just physical—it was deeper, more unsettling.

She walked past me, her gaze flickering uncertainly, but she didn't stop. She called my name, but I couldn't respond. I wanted to, but the words felt too foreign in my new form. All I could do was move toward her, my body aching from the transformation and from the turmoil inside me.

I reached her, and without thinking, I embraced her, feeling her warmth as if it could shield me from the storm inside. But just as I held her, everything went black. My consciousness faltered, and I collapsed into unconsciousness.

When I woke, I was in a bed, surrounded by sterile white walls and the scent of antiseptic. My mother was beside me, her eyes clouded with concern, but there was something else in her expression too—something I couldn't quite read.

A doctor stood over me, his face serious as he checked my vitals, trying his best to understand the strange phenomena happening to me. But there was nothing he could do. His efforts were futile. The confusion in his eyes mirrored the growing panic in my mother's.

"Mom…" I whispered, barely able to form the word as I looked up at her.

"Sweetie, what happened? Where did you go?" she asked, her voice cracking with worry.

My father's voice entered the room like a thunderclap, sharp and commanding. He was furious, his tone laced with anger as he chastised Eli for leaving me alone.

"You left her, Eli?" my father's voice echoed through the room.

I tried to explain, my words coming out rushed and jumbled, but Eli was already on the receiving end of my father's scolding. His punishment, though harsh, was quickly lifted once I recounted what had truly happened, what I had experienced.

Then, my mother did something I didn't expect. She called Taylor.

I had asked for him, though I wasn't sure why. Perhaps I wanted answers, or maybe just to see him—to know if he still cared after the way things had spiraled between us. I wasn't ready for what happened next.

Taylor arrived almost immediately, his shock evident when he saw me. The wolf I had become was still strange to me, and I could only imagine how I must look to him.

His gaze met mine, and for the briefest moment, there was a flicker of something in his eyes. Surprise. Confusion. Hurt. But then, as if a switch had been flipped, the warmth in his eyes turned cold. His expression hardened, and I felt the weight of his anger and betrayal pressing down on me like a stone.

I didn't know what to say. I wanted to apologize, to explain. But I couldn't.

"I-Noah Taylor, reject you, Gift Hunter, as my mate and Luna," he said, his voice cold, filled with finality.

His words shattered me. Every part of me—my heart, my soul—broke apart in that moment. I could feel the darkness enveloping me, the colors around me draining away, my black hair turning to a stark, ghostly white. The pain wasn't just physical; it was deeper than that, a wound that cut straight into the core of who I was.

"I can't believe this…" I whispered, my voice breaking. "I thought... I thought you were the one."

But it wasn't just *my* world that was crumbling—it was Emily's too. The bond we shared, the bond that was supposed to be unbreakable, was unraveling before my very eyes. My pain was nothing compared to hers. My heart wasn't just broken—it was crushed, and so was hers. I could feel her silent sobs within me, her grief seeping through every fiber of my being.

I changed back into my human form, my body trembling from the aftershock of the rejection. I needed to get away from it all. I couldn't bear to stay there, to face him. So I ran.

I bolted out of the hospital, ignoring the shouts of my parents, the calls of Eli. My legs moved on their own, carrying me deep into the forest, away from everything and everyone. The cold air sliced through me as I pushed myself harder and harder, my mind numb with grief.

It was then that I reached the border—the edge of everything I knew. The line between the familiar and the unknown. I kept running, not caring where I was going, not caring if I ever stopped. My thoughts were a blur. My heart, shattered and bruised, barely hung together.

I reached an unfamiliar place, a place that was neither here nor there. A place where I thought I would finally find peace, but instead, I found only emptiness. I was lost.

I stopped in my tracks, unable to move any longer, as the weight of everything overwhelmed me.

I felt like I was drowning in sorrow. All the pain, all the anger, the rejection—it was too much. I couldn't carry it any longer.

I closed my eyes, the last of my strength slipping away. The thoughts in my mind grew darker, colder. I decided I couldn't take it anymore.

I jumped.

The ground below seemed to rise to meet me, but as I fell, I couldn't help but wonder if I would ever hit it. Would I ever truly be free of the pain?

But just as I thought my life was slipping away, a pair of strong arms caught me midair, pulling me back from the edge.

I was angry, furious even. How dare they stop me? How dare they take away my freedom, my release? I struggled, desperate to be left alone, to finally end the suffering that had consumed me.

But as my body went limp from exhaustion, I realized something. I had no more fight left in me. I freed myself to the person who held me, and in doing so, I was also freed. For a moment, everything went still. The world went quiet.

And then, in the last moments of consciousness I had left, I looked up and saw a figure—someone strong, someone kind, someone who would carry me when I couldn't stand.

And then, everything went black.

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**(Author's Note: "Faded" by Alan Walker played softly in the background as the scene unfolded, its haunting melody echoing the emptiness in my soul.)**

"Am faded so lost am faded "