2 Between Shadows

Eliot had always been confused by the way people looked at him. He could feel the stares, the glances that lingered just a moment too long, or the quick, calculating looks his classmates gave him. He wasn't sure what they saw when they looked at him—what did they think of him? But what bothered him more was how he looked at himself. He didn't know what was different, only that something felt out of place, like a jigsaw puzzle missing a piece.

He had heard the word "gay" tossed around in school, like a slur or an insult. It wasn't something he had really thought about until last year when a boy named Ryan had moved to their school. Ryan had an easy charm to him, a confidence that seemed to make everything around him effortless. He had a way of looking at people—eyes like green flames—that made Eliot's heart flutter unexpectedly. It wasn't a feeling he could explain, nor one he wanted to admit to himself. But it lingered, a spark that he couldn't seem to shake off.

Most days, Eliot kept his feelings hidden, tucking them away where no one could see them. He told himself it was just admiration, that he was just envious of Ryan's ease, his charisma. But every time Ryan's smile flickered his way, Eliot felt his stomach twist in a way that wasn't just admiration.

It was a Tuesday when Eliot realized how deeply his confusion had rooted itself. The day had started like any other: a blur of half-waking moments, a cold cereal breakfast, the hum of a school bus rattling over uneven roads. He had forgotten his lunch, but that wasn't the problem. The problem had been the moment when Ryan had looked over at him across the lunch table, smiling like he knew something Eliot didn't. It was that smile, that damn smile that sent his heart into a tumble. His face turned red, and for a moment, he wasn't sure if the room was spinning or if it was just his head. Ryan had caught him staring and, for a fleeting second, Eliot thought there might be something in those green eyes, something more than just a friendly glance.

He turned away quickly, pretending not to notice the growing heat in his cheeks. His heart beat in his chest so loudly he was sure everyone could hear it.

Later that afternoon, when he was alone in his room, Eliot stared into the mirror, inspecting the way his face looked. His messy brown hair hung loosely in front of his eyes, and he pushed it back, trying to ignore the way his hands trembled. What was wrong with him? He wasn't supposed to be feeling like this. Was this what other boys felt about girls? Did they feel this way when they looked at a girl's smile, her laugh, her eyes?

He didn't know. He couldn't find a pattern to it.

He grabbed his phone, unlocking it with a swipe. He typed "am I gay" into a search engine, half-expecting to find answers. The list of articles was endless, but none of them felt like they applied to him. Some were about coming out, others about knowing for sure, and some even suggested that confusion was normal. None of them told him what he needed to hear.

His fingers hovered over the screen for a moment. Maybe he could talk to someone about it—someone who wouldn't judge him, someone who would understand. But who? His parents? They were loving, sure, but Eliot couldn't imagine explaining this to them. They weren't the type to talk openly about anything personal. And his friends? Ryan had too much power over his thoughts already. Maybe he could talk to Jess, his best friend. But then, what would she say? Would she be disappointed?

He closed his phone and stared at the blank screen, feeling the heavy weight of his confusion settling in once more. This wasn't something he could talk his way out of.

It was after school that day when he found himself walking home along the familiar route—trees lining the street, the crackling leaves underfoot. Eliot's footsteps were slower than usual, his thoughts consumed by everything he didn't understand. As he turned the corner, he saw Ryan ahead of him, walking with a group of friends. Ryan laughed, his voice carrying across the street. Eliot instinctively slowed his pace, his heart pounding. He didn't want to face him right now, didn't know how to look at him, how to behave when all of his thoughts felt tangled.

But then, Ryan turned and waved, a casual gesture, but for some reason, it felt deliberate. Eliot froze for a moment, unsure of how to respond. It was just a wave, just a simple greeting.

"Hey, Eliot!" Ryan called out, his voice warm and inviting.

Eliot hesitated, before raising a hand awkwardly. "Hey, Ryan."

Ryan's group kept walking, but Ryan lingered for a moment longer. "You okay?" he asked, his green eyes studying Eliot with a quiet intensity.

Eliot's breath caught in his throat. Was he okay? He wasn't sure. He didn't know what it meant to be okay.

"Yeah," he managed to say, though the words didn't feel true.

Ryan smiled, a soft, knowing smile that made Eliot's stomach flip again. "If you ever need to talk about anything, man… I'm here." And with that, he jogged to catch up with his friends, leaving Eliot standing in the middle of the sidewalk, lost in a fog of emotions.

The next few days passed in a blur of half-formed thoughts. Eliot's conversations with Ryan were brief, nothing more than casual small talk, but they lingered in his mind far longer than they should have. There were moments when he would catch Ryan looking at him, his eyes lingering, and Eliot couldn't help but wonder if there was something more to it.

That Friday evening, Eliot found himself sitting on the edge of his bed, staring at his phone again. His thumb hovered over the contact for Jess, his best friend. He hadn't talked to her about this. He didn't know how.

It wasn't that Jess would judge him—she wouldn't. She was one of the few people Eliot felt truly comfortable with. But this was different. This was something he didn't understand, something he wasn't sure he was ready to face.

Finally, he typed a message.

*Hey, Jess. I need to talk to you about something.*

He stared at the screen for a long moment, then hit send.

Seconds later, his phone buzzed.

*What's up?*

Eliot paused, thinking about how to phrase it. Could he really talk to her about this? Was he ready?

*I don't know. I'm just… confused about some things. Can I see you tomorrow?*

*Of course. You can tell me anything.*

Eliot sighed with relief. Jess's response was simple, and it gave him the tiniest bit of hope that maybe—just maybe—he wasn't alone in this.

The next day, they met at their usual spot by the old oak tree near the park. Eliot had spent the entire morning wrestling with his thoughts, unsure of what to say, how to begin. But when he saw Jess, her dark hair pulled back in a messy bun, her denim jacket casually thrown over her shoulders, he felt the anxiety ease just a little.

She smiled at him as he approached, offering him a hug. "You okay?"

Eliot hesitated before pulling away. "Not really," he said, his voice faltering. "I don't know, Jess. I've been thinking about something… for a while now."

Jess didn't speak. She simply sat down on the grass beside him, waiting patiently for him to continue.

Eliot swallowed hard, his voice coming out quieter than he'd intended. "I think… I think I might be gay. But I don't know. I don't know if that's what it is. And I don't know what to do with it. Everything just feels so confusing."

For a long time, Jess didn't respond. She just looked at him, her eyes soft and understanding, and Eliot couldn't bring himself to look away. Finally, she reached out, taking his hand gently in hers.

"I think it's okay to not know for sure," she said, her voice warm. "You don't have to figure it all out right now. You can take your time. It's okay to be confused."

Eliot felt a lump form in his throat. He hadn't realized how much he needed to hear those words, how much he needed the validation that it was okay to not have all the answers.

Jess smiled again, squeezing his hand. "You're still you, Eliot. No matter what you feel or who you like. I'm always here for you."

For the first time in weeks, Eliot felt a little lighter. It didn't make everything suddenly clear, but it made the weight of his confusion feel a little less heavy. He still didn't have the answers. But maybe, just maybe, he was starting to understand that it was okay not to have them yet.

As they sat in the fading light of the afternoon, Eliot couldn't help but think that maybe this was the beginning of finding his way. Not all at once, but piece by piece. He wasn't sure where it would lead, but for the first time, he didn't feel quite as lost.