Bros Before Nudes

A few days later, Chadwick was invited to Bishop's place to offer some much-needed wisdom about relationships. Being in a happy one himself with his waifu, he couldn't deny the ego boost—it felt good to be the 'wise guru' for once. Both of them were still nursing their battle wounds—Bishop with his bruised ribs and busted nose, and Chad with the vicious claw marks from a stray cat's surprise attack on his wick and balls.

"So, you're having girl problems? Well, lucky for you, I'm basically a certified expert in all things girl; I've been with my waifu for quite a while now," Chad announced, kicking back with a confident smirk. "Go ahead, lay it on me—I know all about the sudden mood swings and all."

Exhaling through his nose—his very sore, very bloody nose—he muttered, "Not those sorts of 'girl problems'… not menstruating or whatever. I mean, I want you to help me impress a girl." He rubbed his temple like this conversation alone was giving him a migraine.

Chad smirked. "Dude, I wasn't even gonna bring up your bloody nose, but now you went and mentioned blood in your menstruation talk." He folded his arms, tilting his head like a detective about to crack a case. "So? Wanna tell me what actually happened to your face? Or do I get to start making up my own theories?"

A groan left him as he winced, gingerly touching his nose. "Oh, my face… my nose… is bloody…" His gaze darted to the side. "We don't talk about Fight Club."

Chad's brow arched. "Fight Club? You just talked about it when I didn't even ask about Fight Club." His eyes narrowed, suspicion dripping from his tone. "Wait… did you get into a fight? Did you win? Or did you just stumble into a lamppost again in one of your legendary drunk hazes?"

Hesitation.

Saying he got into a fight with some Maestro, Mafioso, or whatever-the-hell those mafia guys called themselves might not be the best idea. That kind of thing came with… complications.

And then there was the other problem.

His new cleaning job...

...At McDonald's.

If Chad found out, he might purposely stroll in, order the greasiest meal on the menu, then take a massive, soul-crushing, world-ending shit in the bathroom. One that refused to flush.

And guess who'd be the unlucky bastard stuck dealing with it?

Yeah. Fuck that.

Instead, he lied. "My girlfriend… well, ex… punched me for not fucking her hard enough… so I dumped her. Upgraded to a new one." A casual shrug, like it was just another Tuesday. 'Cya next Tuesday'... is what Bishop wants to taste of the new girl.

They stood at the doorway, the dim porch light flickering above them. Chad folded his arms, his expression shifting from curiosity to full-on disbelief. "So, let me get this straight. You want me… your… bro… to help you impress this new girl? Because the last one literally decked you for not fucking her hard enough?"

A hand rubbed the back of his neck. "Yeah… about that. It's, uh… complicated." A heavy sigh followed. "Gonna take a bit to explain. You'll have to come into my… bedroom."

An eyebrow shot up. "Your bedroom?"

A quick chill-out gesture. "Look, just be quiet, alright? Don't let my sister or my mom hear us coming in. If they do, they might, y'know… assume things." A glance toward the house. Then back. "So just be discreet."

Chad took a slow, deliberate step back. "Okay, what the actual fuck are you saying right now? First, you're mumbling about getting punched mid-sex, and now you want me to sneak into your bedroom with you in silence?" He shook his head. "Dude, you're acting weird as hell, and honestly? I don't think I want to go into your bedroom with you…"

A deep breath, then, with all the seriousness in the world—

"Man to man, I'll be honest with you… I want to have sex."

Without missing a beat, Chad responded, "You have her tied up in your bedroom, don't you?"

"What?! No!" A strangled noise. "I have a girlfriend… well, technically, we haven't even been on a date yet. Or held hands. But I just want you to… speed things up for us. Make her extra horny for me." A sigh, rubbing at his already abused temples. "Look, I know you've had oral and sex with nearly every girl at Brightwater Academy—the swimmer girls, the Miniskirt Mafia sisters… Tonnes of them either want to fuck you or have been fucked by you. So, as a friend, I'm asking you to, y'know… rub a little of that magic onto me."

Awkward silence…

A long, drawn-out hum from Chad a moment later.

I thought he was gonna say he admired my relationship with my waifu pillow, not bring up some random fuck flings…

Bishop leaned in, standing at the doorway, his eyes desperate. "If you… help me get my dick wet…" Maybe I should word that better. "If you help me lose my…" He hesitated—no way was he about to say hair. "If you help me feel boobs… Okay, fine...if you help me see her nude, I'll give you that gold thing you've been after. Deal? I just want nudes of my girlfriend, that's it!"

The golden thing he's talking about… it has to be that Gold Pikachu card—the one I've been dreaming about for years, the one I've scoured every auction site for, the one that's always just out of reach. And now, it's right there, dangling in front of me like a prize. All I have to do is get him the nudes. Simple enough. I might as well go through with it. And if Bishop tries anything shady? I'll put him in his place. I don't care if he was part of some underground Fight Club—he'd still take his ass out!

"Ok, a deal it is," Chad finally agreed. "I will help you… get her nudes." Nudes were a valuable form of currency online, and he's happy just doing his part to keep the economy of nude photos flowing. But nudes of girls are volatile as hell. One wrong move, and their value tanks—start dating some ugly, face-tattooed rapper? Worthless. Publicly admit to liking the godforsaken Death Note Netflix adaptation? A one-way ticket to the social graveyard. Or—worse—go full vegan and start debating whether dick cheese counts as an animal byproduct. At that point, there's no saving them. But gold? Gold was eternal—untouched by trends, immune to scandal, always holding its worth. Civilisations had risen and fallen, economies had crashed, but gold? It remains priceless. And a Gold Pikachu card? That's not just value—it's status, it's history.

At one point, he had wanted the Misty's Tears card—you know, the one where Misty's kinda naked, covering herself with her arm, and Staryu's just chilling in front of her boobs... but if you try to buy it online, it's either always stained or sticky.

Bishop, doing his best to sneak Chad into his bedroom without attracting attention, darted his eyes nervously from side to side, scanning each corner as they moved. His footsteps were quick, almost too quick, as he hurried down the hallway, his hand gripping the doorknob. He barely had time to notice anything—just the plain walls, the ordinary pictures on the walls, and the soft hum of the house. The faint smell of something burnt lingered in the air, probably from an ill-fated attempt at cooking earlier in the day, or perhaps they had a smelly dog. From the few glimpses he caught in the dim hallway light, it seemed like a fairly ordinary house... but it was hard to shake the feeling that something was off about the guy living here, something that didn't quite belong.

He stepped into the room first, and Bishop opened the door for him with a smirk. "Guess it's 'ladies' man' first, huh?" As Chad crossed the threshold, a giant T-Rex dinosaur toy suddenly roared to life, its head jerking up and down in exaggerated movements. The loud, unexpected noise made him jump back in surprise, but before he can react any further, the sound of "Go, go, Power Rangers!" blared out from somewhere in the room, followed by a triumphant burst of music. It took the edge off the tension, and he couldn't help but chuckle to himself. Okay, this is just a normal guy's room—geeky, sure, but nothing too out of the ordinary. The shelves were lined with anime figurines, video game memorabilia, and enough action figures to make a collector's heart skip a beat.

Bishop casually lifted the sheets to reveal something beneath his bed and said in a half-whisper, "If anyone comes, just hide under here, alright? Just... don't knock over my personal urine bottle collection in all those jars and bottles." He gestured toward a pile of containers hidden beneath the bed, tucked out of sight.

His what collection?!

I froze for a second, processing what I had just heard. Did he actually just say that? I figured he must be messing with me, so I didn't ask any more questions.

Bishop said as he booted up his computer, "I have this pretty girl as my girlfriend." He showed a picture on the screen of an ethnically ambiguous girl sitting with her long legs. Her skin was flawless, her face unnaturally contoured, and her wide eyes looked almost too bright, as if edited. Her glossy hair fell perfectly over her shoulders, and the soft lighting made everything feel too perfect—like a classic catfish photo.

"'Wow… she's a pretty thing! So where is she? You haven't invited her here?"

"That's where you come in, man. This is my internet girlfriend. All the girls were ignoring me, online and offline, but then I saw how you get all those girls, and it hit me—I need to copy your style. I wanted to become a 'chick magnet' like you."

"So, you've been learning some tricks from me? And studying me"

"Not exactly... I've been sending her pictures of you... uh, pretending to be you... and, well, she got all excited, like, totally into it. Now she's all smitten with me... I mean, with you... since it's my profile, but she thinks it's you. She even said if I send a nude photo of myself... I mean, of you... she'll send me nudes in return. I-I just... I just wanna see her naked, man..."

"What?! You seriously wanna send a naked picture of me... to her? Are you out of your mind?!!" This is next-level insane... catfishing a total catfish... but, uh... that gold card, though…

Bishop shifted uncomfortably, avoiding Chad's gaze. "Look, man... I know it sounds messed up, but it's the only way this'll work. If you just let me have one naked picture of you to send to her. I can keep this thing going with her. I just need something from you to make it real, you know? Please, dude, just this one time..."