Chapter 1

In the summer when I was 18, I gave my pure first night to Ryan.

Even though it was very painful, I was still very happy, thinking that my secret love finally came to fruition.

But I didn't expect that the next day, I heard his friends teasing him in public.

That summer when I turned 18, Ryan took away my purity.

"Well done, you successfully slept with the most beautiful girl in the class."

And Ryan, who was still very gentle last night, answered casually:

"My goal is the school beauty. I will practice with Mia a few times first, so as not to perform poorly in front of the school beauty."

I didn't say anything and left silently.

Then before the deadline, I changed my college application from New York to Florida.

------

Ryan's statement struck me like a thunderbolt, completely blindsiding me.

My thoughts scattered in an instant.

Despite the sweltering summer afternoon, I felt a chill run through my body.

The discussion in the classroom persisted. The others seemed momentarily taken aback before continuing.

"As expected of Ryan, even the class beauty is just practice for him."

"Doesn't that make her like, you know, a practice dummy for 'special skills' in those rich households?"

Ryan chuckled dismissively: "Don't be ridiculous. It's not like she's getting nothing out of it."

Someone promptly agreed.

"True, the class beauty has lost some weight lately. Compared to the school beauty, her figure is..."

Ryan irritably tossed a book at him, cutting off his remark.

"It was just a spur-of-the-moment thing. The atmosphere was right, and she seemed eager too..."

The others exchanged knowing glances and teased him: "Who would've guessed the class beauty was so passionate."

"Tsk tsk, it's our Ryan's irresistible charm. Might as well enjoy what's right in front of you."

"The class beauty has been pining after Ryan for ages. I guess she finally got her wish. She probably wanted to jump him for a long time."

The laughter in the room grew noticeably louder.

I bit my lip hard, my hands balled into tight fists.

It took all my willpower to stay upright and not collapse at the classroom entrance.

Footsteps approached from the end of the corridor.

I snapped back to reality and fled the scene in a panic.

In my confusion, I sought refuge in a bathroom stall.

Tears of anguish and shame were already streaming down my face.

Ryan's words echoed in my head repeatedly, nearly crushing all of my self-worth.

If I hadn't heard it myself, I never would have believed that he was the same person who had been so intimately involved with me just hours ago.

So it turns out you can engage in such intimate acts even without love.

Even in the most passionate, irrational moments, it's possible to lie and deceive.

What I foolishly thought was the pinnacle of our relationship was nothing more than a joke to others.

The more I cried, the more distressed I became.

But I didn't dare make any loud noises. My body kept trembling uncontrollably.

After a long while, My phone vibrated with a message notification.

It was from Ryan.

[Get a taxi home yourself. My class is having a party tonight, so it's not convenient for me to take you.]

I didn't respond.

He sent another message.

[Remember to buy the emergency contraceptive yourself. I'm too busy today. Make sure to take it, be good.]

I stared at these two messages for a long time, at a loss for words.

Last night, from dusk till dawn, Ryan had exhausted me over and over again.

Before falling asleep in each other's arms, he had murmured twice: "I wasn't fully prepared for our first time. I'll definitely get you the pill tomorrow."

He even reminded me that girls need to protect themselves, and that I must take the emergency contraceptive or it could be very harmful to my body.

At the time, I thought he was being so considerate towards me. I thought I had finally found my happiness.

But now...

In an instant, I sobered up considerably.

I pinched my palm hard, forcing myself to stop crying.

I wiped away my tears, composed myself, and left the bathroom.

Too embarrassed to go to the pharmacy, I just ordered the pill online.

After the delivery driver left it at the door, I waited a long time before I dared to sneak out and retrieve it.

After swallowing the pill with tears in my eyes, I seemed to lose all my strength. I just sat numbly on the carpet, staring blankly.

Ever since Ryan's family moved in next door, I had followed him around like a devoted puppy for ten years.

I had never imagined what a world without him would be like.

I didn't dare to imagine it.

But from now on, I would be alone.

Outside the floor-to-ceiling windows, lights came on one after another, then gradually went out.

I don't know how much time passed before my best friend Lily video called me.

"Mia, why didn't you come to our class party with Ryan tonight?

"That Claire from the liberal arts class showed up instead. She's been clinging to Ryan while you're not here.

The two of them are being so gross."

Lily turned the camera to show me.