CH 145

They had all just found their seats and were pulling out parchment quills and ink when the turquoise-robed prat entered. He gave some silly monologue about how great he was and then moved to his desk. Harry hadn't noticed it before; but, sitting on the desk, appeared to a be a box shape with a black cloth covering it.

"We shall first be taking a little test. This is so I have an idea of how well you all know me," the prat declared. And they were all treated to another dazzling smile.

Lockhart called up one of the girls to come and collect a great stack of parchment to be handed around. And, soon, each student had three sheets of parchment before them.

"Have you noticed how the idiot continually poses for photographs ever though there's no camera around?" muttered Harry.

Both girls lightly giggled behind their hands. Looking around the classroom Harry could see that almost all the girls were looking at the fop with dreamy smiles. At least, those whose faces he could see.

Finally, looking down at what was before him, Harry could see it was a test with about eighteen questions on each page.

"I want you all to answer the questions," posed, yet again, the fop. "But, have no fear, I shall make sure you're all aware of the proper answers to the questions next lesson before we move on to a practical side of Defence Against the Dark Arts for the day. "For now, you may take up your quills and begin."

Looking at the top sheet, Harry began to read and answer the questions

Defence Against the Dark Arts - Second Year Essential Knowledge Test 1. What is Gilderoy's favourite colour? Flash purple, the colour of the smoke emitted by a wizarding camera when it takes a photograph.

2. What is Gilderoy's Lockhart's secret ambition? To prove that you actually can fool all of the people, all of the time.

3. What, in your opinion, is Gilderoy Lockhart's greatest achievement to date? Fooling most of the people, all of the time.

4. How many times has Gilderoy Lockhart won Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award? Never. He bribed the editor into awarding it to him each time he claims he has won it.

5. In his book Break with a Banshee, how did Gilderoy Lockhart bravely banish the Bandon Banshee? It doesn't say. The method he claims in the aforementioned fictional work, he is incapable of achieving.

6. Which is Gilderoy Lockhart's best side for photographs? His backside.

7. Has Gilderoy Lockhart ever won the Dunstable Duelling Championship for wizards or just been pipped at the post? I don't think Lockhart even knows when and where it's held.

8. Which product does Gilderoy Lockhart use to clean his teeth with to achieve his famous dazzling white smile? Hippogriff shite. He spews so much of it he has plenty to spare. And he uses a simple cantrip to make his teeth sparkle.

On and on the questions went until Harry finally reached the final question.

54. When is Gilderoy Lockhart's birthday and what would his ideal gift be? To spend decades within Azkaban for defrauding the public by claiming his works of fiction to be fact. Oh, that would be what I think would be his 'ideal gift'.

Finally setting his quill aside, Harry saw he was nearly the last to finish.

Both Daphne and Tracey were reading his answers as he wrote them once he was about halfway through and were trying hard not to burst out into loud laughter. Daphne had tears in her eyes and was making liberal use of a handkerchief, while Tracey was not far off being the same.

Once he was done, he sat there trying to calm the girls down until the fop called for the tests to be handed forward. Once they were all back to him, the idiot practically strutted around to the other side of the desk.

"Today, we learn how to deal with pixies!" beamed the idiot, while whisking the cover off the cage with a flourish. "Now, as you can plainly see, these are Cornish pixies. Devilishly tricky little blighters, they can be!"

The pixies were electric blue and about eight inches high, with pointed faces and voices so shrill it was like listening to a lot of budgies arguing. The moment the cover had been removed, they had started jabbering and rocketing around, rattling the bars and making bizarre faces at the people nearest them.

"Don't worry," the fop said, a bit condescendingly, "If any of you have trouble with them, I will be here to bail you out."

"Now this can prove interesting," muttered Harry to the two girls. "I wouldn't have thought we'd move to Stunning Spells this early. The book calls for that spell to be taught during our third year." Having already drawn his own wand, the fop gave them a quick demonstration of a wand movement and said the incantation, "Peskipiksi Pesternomi!"

Harry just snorted.

Harry made sure the two girls had the proper wand movements and incantation for the Stunning Spell down while he had half an eye on the idiot.

"Now, children!" said the twit. "Let's have a go at them, shall we?" And he opened the cage wide.

It was pandemonium. The pixies shot in every direction like rockets. Two of them seized one poor boy by the ears and lifted him into the air. Several shot straight through the window, showering the back row with broken glass. The rest proceeded to wreck the classroom more effectively than a rampaging rhino. They grabbed ink bottles and sprayed the class with them, shredded books and papers, tore pictures from the walls, up-ended the rubbish basket, grabbed bags and books and threw them out of the smashed window; within minutes, half the class was sheltering under desks and the boy was swinging from the iron chandelier in the ceiling.

The only calm spot was in the back where Tracey was shielding Harry and Daphne, while those two were having a ball shooting underpowered Stunning Charms at the little blue beasties knocking them out of the air one-by-one.

"Come on now - round them up, round them up, they're only pixies," Lockhart shouted.

He rolled up his sleeves, brandished his wand, and bellowed, "Peskipiksi Pesternomi!" It had absolutely no effect; one of the pixies seized his wand and threw it out of the window, too. Lockhart gulped and dived under his own desk, narrowly avoiding being squashed by the boy, who fell a second later as the chandelier gave way.

The bell rang and there was a mad rush toward the exit. In the relative calm that followed, Lockhart straightened up, caught sight of Harry, Daphne and Tracey, who were having loads of fun, and said, "Well, I'll ask you three to just nip the rest of them back into their cage." He swept past them and shut the door quickly behind him.

"Can you believe him?" said Tracey as one of the remaining pixies attempted to get around her shield.

"He just wants to give us some hands-on experience," said Daphne, between casts while trying to take aim on a pixie that was attempting to hide behind one of the photographs.

"Hands on?" asked Harry, who was trying to take out a particularly annoying pixie that was trying to carry the now empty rubbish bin over and dump it on them. "Daphne, he didn't have a clue what he was doing."

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