Chapter 5

After sixteen hours of travel, including a three-hour layover in Zurich, I finally landed in Florence. When I returned to the apartment, it was 3 a.m., and I was exhausted. So I washed my face, crawled into my bed, pulled the blanket, and passed out.

When I woke up the next day, it was 5 pm. The stress from the last few days had caught up with me, and I needed to sleep. My stomach started to rumble, and I needed food, but I knew I had nothing to eat in the house.

So I dressed and decided to go to a local café to eat, then get some groceries afterward. Once I sat down and arrived at the café, I finally decided to turn my phone back on. The notifications go wild as soon as they are on; I have 42 missed calls, 30 voicemails, and over 60 text messages. I feel so overwhelmed that I silence the phone and place it on the table.

Once I've eaten and walked to the store to purchase groceries, I head home. When I get home, I put away the groceries and take a long bath. So I run a bath, light some candies, get a glass of wine, and soak my sorrows away.

When the water turns cold, I finally come out of the bath. I get ready for bed and crawl under the covers. About that time, I hear my phone vibrate on the nightstand and look at the incoming text. It's from Max and says I need to know you are safe, or I'm on the next flight out. I replied that I was safe at home and didn't want him to come. I turn off the phone and cry myself to sleep.

I wake up the following day, and I still feel like shit and decide to lay in bed and stare at the television since I don't have to be back at work for two days.

Being the chicken I am, I don't turn on my phone for the next two days and hide in my bed, crying and watching sappy movies.

That Monday morning, I woke up and decided I'd had enough time to dwell in self-pity. I got up to shower and get ready for work.

Once I get to the hospital, I go into focus doctor mode because a 9-year-old girl's chance at living an everyday life depends on me fixing the tibial shaft factors that happened during a car accident that killed her parents, and she was the only survivor.

After six hours, I was able to notify the girl's grandparents that the surgery was completed, and she did well. I let them know that we would know for sure after she heals and completes physical therapy to see that she will be okay.

I walked out of the hospital and felt a moment of happiness that I was able to help her, but that was short-lived. Each day, I spend going to work and then home to my empty life.

This went on for a month, and one morning, I woke up and barely made it to the toilet before I vomited up everything in my stomach. I must have caught the stomach flu or maybe even food poisoning from the curry I ate last night. I decided to call in and take the day off to rest.

I get back in bed, sleep until around one p.m., and wake up. My stomach feels better, and I decide I need to eat. I go to the bathroom and start brushing my teeth.

I look over and see the tampons, and I drop the toothbrush in the sink and sit on the toilet. Sitting in the bathroom, I start to think about when my last period was, and I know it ended the day before I went to LA, and the tears start to flow.

After a few minutes of self-hating, I get dressed and go to the pharmacy for a pregnancy test. I buy four different tests and run home to pee on each stick. I sit on my bathroom floor staring at all the tests; it seems it's taking forever. I put my head in my hands, close my eyes, and relax.

After five minutes, I look at the first test, which says positive; the next test says the same, and so forth on the remaining two. I sit there with my hand on my stomach, with tears flowing steadily.

Right then and there, I promised my baby I would be the best mom it could ever want. This was the happiest and saddest day of my life, but I had a new purpose. I took the rest of the evening to plan the next steps in my life.

Being a person who thrives on plans and lists comforted me. The next day, I saw an OBGYN at the hospital; she was so supportive. She also did another test to ensure I was pregnant. She set me up with another two-week appointment to have my first scan. I started working on my plans to secure a happy and safe life for my unborn child.

The next few weeks passed in a blur; I had decided to return home to Oklahoma to be near family. Luckily, I found a position at Oklahoma City Children's Hospital and took the job.

Next, I FaceTime my family and tell them what is going on. They sit silently momentarily, and I see tears on one of my brother's faces.

My brother Jessie said, "We are so happy you are coming home, and we will love your baby and support you in any way you need."

Mark, another brother, said, "Do you need me to come and help you pack and travel home?"

And I said, "No, I can do it." We spoke for a few minutes longer, and I let them know the date I would be back. I got off the phone and felt some hope for the first time in over a month.

On my lunch break, I went for my appointment the next day. Laying on the table and seeing the doctor place the wand over my stomach made me so nervous.

After a minute or two, she says, "It looks like you are close to eight weeks; let's hear the sound of your baby's heart."

I lay there and listened to a faint but fast sound; knowing that baby was inside me made it feel more real. I lay there momentarily, and she printed a photo of the scan.

The doctor asked me if I was okay and needed anything, and I told her I was good. She told me to make another appointment in a month, and I let her know that I would be returning home to the US to be near my family. She said she understood that because, due to her work schedule, she could never have raised her son without her family and husband.

I went home that night and decided to delete all the texts, voicemails, and emails that I had received from Max and his family. I had heard from everyone except Jeremy either through text or voicemail.

I knew that I needed a clean slate to take care of myself. I did worry that I was not doing the right thing when keeping the baby a secret from Max. I just looked forward and finished what needed to be done. I gave notice to the hospital and my landlord. Both were understanding when I let them know I was pregnant and needed to be home with family.

The following two weeks went by quickly, with work and packing my things. I had shipped five boxes home to Oklahoma and would put the remaining stuff in suitcases.

On the last day at work, I was surprised with a going away slash baby shower. I was very emotional because I realized I had kept all these people at arm's length away for five years and could have had some friends to spend time with.

Before I left, I went to see the little girl I performed surgery on, and she had the hugest smile. She said that her leg was feeling better, and it didn't hurt anymore to stand on it. I was so happy to hear she was doing well and would be able to walk normally.

When I returned to the apartment, I put all the party items in my suitcase and zipped everything up. I sat there and realized I had filled five boxes and two bags for the last five years. I promised myself right then and there that I would start living for myself and live life to its fullest. That night, I slept with dreams of the future.

The following day, I woke at 6 AM because I needed to be at the airport by 8 AM. I double-checked all the drawers, clothes, and under the furniture to make sure I was not leaving anything. I knew I had gotten everything, but my OCD would not allow me to check again.

I called the concierge and asked for a taxi. When I get to the lobby, the cab is outside. Theo, the doorman, holds the door for me and takes the suitcase.

He loads the cases in the taxi and says, "Ms. Mia, it has been a pleasure serving you the last five years."

I reply, "It has been my pleasure. Please take care of yourself and your family."

The drive to the airport takes about 30 minutes. I looked out the window at the beautiful city I'd enjoyed living in for the past five years.

Once I get to the airport, I get my back checked in and make my way through security. Once I got to my gate, I decided to get a quick bite to eat, and I sent a quick text to my brothers, letting them know I would be boarding soon; I would not call since it was the middle of the night.

I get to the gate, wait for boarding, and decide to browse the internet. As I scroll through Instagram, I see a photo of Max and the model Bela Luca, and I realize that he has moved quickly.

I click off the app. I know I have no reason to be upset because I left him and cut off all contact, but it still hurts. They start boarding the plane, and I have a long flight ahead to overthink the photo.

I get seated in my first-class cabin and take a deep breath. An older lady was sitting on the other side of our wall, and she asked, "Did you enjoy your vacation?"

I replied, "I've been living here for work for the past five years and finally moving back to the US."

She smiles and says, "You've been so lucky to live here. I returned to visit the place where my husband and I honeymooned 40 years ago."

She goes on to say he passed away last year, but they had planned this trip before he passed, and she felt that she needed to honor his request. I say, "It is a beautiful place, but I'm ready to go home. I know your husband was looking down on you, smiling that you went through the plans and had a great time."

We spend the next few minutes having a simple conversation as the plane's boarding is complete. Once everyone is on board and the flight attendants start the safety demo, I finally relax and take a deep breath.

After 18 hours of flying, a layover, and an hour's wait in customs, I finally exited the airport and stepped into the arms of my loving brothers. We took a moment to hug and hug more before I said, "Lord, it's hot as hell here." Both just laughed as we walked to the truck.

Once we load everything into the back of my brother Jessie's SUV, we head to the ranch. The first few minutes are tranquil, and I'm unsure how to break the tension.

After a few minutes, my brother Mark says, "We don't care why you are home; we are just so glad to have you with us."

Jessie chimes in and says, "It's not been the same without you here, and you've missed so much. We are so excited to welcome another little one into our family."

These comments made all the stress leave my body because I know I'm with those who love me no matter what. We discussed the flight and how I felt and asked questions about their families. Jessie tells me they set up the guest house for me, where I can have some personal space but be close enough if I need anything.

I was so grateful for his generosity in letting me stay with them until I could find my place. I say, "The guest house sounds great; I was not looking forward to returning to my childhood room."

He says, "Heather has turned your old room into a yoga room/she cave." That made me laugh because my sister-in-law says she will work out and be sitting somewhere with a glass of wine and scrolling on her phone with the door locked to get away from her husband and kids.

After 30 minutes of driving, we turn onto the long drive that leads to our family home, which Jessie and his family now live in. Jessie retired from the Navy and took over the running of the ranch when my dad passed since Mark is an oncologist and had no interest in the ranch and being a cowboy.

I looked out the window and saw all the trees and blooming wildflowers. Seeing the fields filled with calves and men working on horseback made me realize how much I missed this over the past five years.

We pull into the garage, and I barely get the door open and hear, "Aunt Mia is here, guys."

I barely have time to brace myself before six nieces and nephews surround me. They are all trying to get my attention, and I feel overwhelmed.

Mark says, "Guys, back up and let your aunt get in the house, and then you can talk to her." I look up at him and smile, grateful for his help.

I get in the house and see my sister-in-laws Heather and Mary, and I go to give them each a huge hug. I tell Heather to thank you for letting me stay until I find a place, and she says, "This will always be your home, Mia."

Those few words brought tears to my eyes. I sit on the sofa where I can give my attention to my nieces and nephews.

Jessie speaks up and says, "Can I have your attention, kids? " They all turn to look at him. He says, "We know you are happy that Aunt Mia is home, and you want her attention, but she will need to do it in small doses because she is tired from her long flight. Also, one last thing: "Do not jump on your aunt; remember she has a special baby in her tummy, and we have to keep it safe."

They all shake their heads, understanding what Jessie said. The kids range from 5 to 15, and I realize I've missed so much of their lives because I've been in Italy.

The younger kids take off to the toy room to play while the four teenagers sit in the living room, talking with me and messing around with their phones. I spend a few minutes asking how they are doing, how school is going, etc.

I tell the adults I want to head out to the guest house, start unpacking, and then head to bed; the jet lag is killing me today.

Once I get to the guest house and look around, I can tell that someone has unpacked all my boxes, filled the refrigerator, and set a vase of flowers on the table. The house felt so cozy and made me feel at home.

I look at the four adults behind me and say, "Thank you for everything you've done."

By this time, I'm emotionally spent and need to sleep. Everyone says their goodbyes, and Heather tells me, "Maria put a plate of food in the refrigerator from tonight's dinner." I say thanks and bid my goodbyes.

Once everyone is gone, I look at the door and go into the bedroom. I'm too tired to do anything, so I crawl into bed and am out before I know it.