Chapter 30: The Curse of Contradiction

**The Curse of Contradiction**

[The Curse of Contradiction]

The night stretches endlessly before me, a path swallowed by shadows, each step swallowed by silence yet echoing louder within the hollow cavern of my chest. The air is thick, suffocating, pressing against my skin like an unseen force, as if the very world conspires to crush me beneath its weight.

*"We all have history, a past. It can be tragic or happy. And that past is what shapes us. Who we are today is carved from the wounds and whispers of yesterday. We learn from our mistakes… and from others'."*

But if a person wears two faces, if they live with a mask crafted from contradictions, are they false? Are they deceitful? People will call them a liar, a wolf in sheep's skin, someone untrue to themselves. But are they truly false, or are they simply the most **honest** of us all?

*"Isn't pretending to be someone else… also a part of yourself?"*

Society dictates that there is only one truth. One side. One version of what should be. And we are expected to conform. To believe without question. To live without straying.

*Brainwashing… eh?*

But my ideals—my truths—are they truly right?

I pause beneath the weight of my own thoughts, my breath shallow, as memories long buried begin to surface. They do not come gently; they are jagged, ruthless, tearing through the fragile walls I built to contain them.

*"We only killed your dog, why are you crying? It was just an animal."*

*"What? We only beat you close to death, and yet you're still alive. Why are you acting like it matters?"*

*"You're depressed? Hah! What a joke. Others have it worse."*

*"Pain is something you get used to. If you endure enough, you'll grow stronger. You won't feel it anymore."*

*"Violence is the only truth in this world."*

*"Believe in others. Believe in yourself."*

*"You are a person who shouldn't exist."*

*"You are nothing but a ghost inside my head."*

Each sentence slices through my mind, one after another, relentless in their cruelty. The echoes are deafening. They are casual words from different mouths, uttered with indifference, yet they have burrowed into me like parasites, feeding on my very essence.

**"To survive, I decided to accept everything."**

*"I wanted to experience pain first, so that nothing would hurt anymore. If I endure the worst, then nothing can ever break me again. If I no longer cry, then I must be strong. And if I become strong, then surely… surely, they would be proud."*

Pain is the only constant. The only truth.

*"So I needed to hurt myself. To do the things that will wound me the most—physically, mentally. If suffering is inevitable, then let me embrace it willingly. If fear is an obstacle, then let me drown in it until I no longer flinch."*

*"If I am to exist, then I must become immune to the agony of existence itself."*

I remember watching a man die once. His body twisted, broken, a grotesque painting splattered across the pavement. I only stood there, unmoving, unfeeling.

*"People live. People die. It is the way of the world."*

*"Do not pity how they died—pity how they lived."*

And yet… even in that cold indifference, even in the acceptance of violence and pain, there was still something missing. A void, an emptiness that no amount of suffering could fill.

*"If my suffering gives them happiness, then I will suffer for eternity."*

*"If hell truly exists, then let me be swallowed whole, let me be punished until even the gods turn away from my torment."*

I remember my mother's words, venom dripping from her lips.

*"You should have died instead of him."*

The memory ignites something inside me—a wildfire, a hurricane, a tidal wave of something I cannot name.

**"I should've died instead of him, a person unknown, yet prodigy."**

*"I see… So if my death would bring them peace, then I should die as many times as they wish."*

A laugh rises from the depths of my chest—twisted, raw, almost inhuman. I stretch my arms out as if welcoming the abyss itself, as if offering myself to the void that has long since claimed me.

*"If my existence is a burden, then let me erase it myself!"*

The memory shifts. A different scene. A different moment.

*"Are we really going to break up?"*

Tears shimmer in her eyes, fragile as glass, but I feel nothing.

*"Certainly. I'm reluctant, but… I'm not ready yet. If fate allows, we will meet again."*

A lie. A meaningless promise. Because deep down, I already knew—

I am undeserving of love. I am undeserving of warmth.

*"Having a girlfriend? Enjoying life? While others suffer?"*

No. This was not meant for me.

*"No one deserves to suffer more than myself."*

Still

**"I didn't suffer enough, did I?"**

The words slip from my lips like a poison, bitter and sharp. Every moment of my life, every piece of agony I've felt—none of it matters.

**"Perhaps if I suffer more... if I let the pain swallow me whole... maybe then it won't be seen as a joke."**

I close my eyes, feeling the weight of my own thoughts pressing down on me. The world has never taken my suffering seriously. To them, it's all a cry for attention, a fleeting moment of weakness. But what if I could endure more? Could I become something more than what I am now—**nothing**?

**"I need more,"** I whisper, my voice barely audible. **"More suffering... more hurt. Something that will carve me into something real."**

The hollow ache in my chest grows, the emptiness consuming me from within. Maybe, just maybe, if I let it take over, if I submit to the darkness, I can prove to them that my pain was never a lie. That it was never a joke.

**"I deserve nothing,"** I breathe out, the words tasting of ashes. **"But if my suffering is the only thing I can offer, then let me drown in it. Let it be the one truth I have left."**

I dig my nails into my scalp, feeling the sharp sting, welcoming the pain like an old friend. A smile—one that does not reach my eyes—curls upon my lips.

*"I don't remember everything from my past life… but at least now, I know...*

A chuckle. A breath. A sound that spirals into laughter—wild, unhinged, echoing through the vast emptiness around me.

*"Hahaha… Haha… Hahahaha!"*

How absurd. How utterly **ridiculous.**

My reasons? **Meaningless.**

My past? **Forgettable.**

My existence? **Laughable.**

And if I am nothing, if I have always been nothing—

Then so too is my suffering.

**It is nothing.**

It was never profound. Never sacred. Never worth mourning.

If I am undeserving of love, of purpose, of life itself—

Then I am undeserving of pain, of pity, of even the weight of my own misery.

Because I deserve **nothing.**

And only **nothing.**

*Still I will pretend...*

A/N: if you don't understand this chapter this is implementation of curse of contradiction.

This is not Zeref's just the name seems perfect.

It's based on real life.

What I'm trying to say is something paradoxical.

"I like doing things I hate the most.

"You are afraid of pain, and you don't want to experience pain. So you decided in order to get of pain you must experience the most painful thing possible so that no one can hurt you."

"I was despise by the world for being me and you were like for being you so, in order to build myself I must become someone like you."

"Happiness is the reason why I live, so if being a killer would give me happiness then I don't mind taking life in order to live."

But it wasn't limited to that, the concept of nihilistic tendencies and self destructive logic. I'm no expert in this field so I can't really find the right words. But this is short introduction for the upcoming arc it involves Cana of course.