Barnacles, Sex Coach.

Barns looks over to Osmond. The duo had been resting in the woods for the last twenty minutes and had hardly exchanged a word. 

"So, do demons sleep?"

"Are we really doing this?" Osmond says, rolling his eyes dramatically. "Yes. I sleep. I shit. I do everything you do except I don't make a big deal about it."

"Eesh. Just trying to make conversation."

Osmond adjusts himself against the tree. Between the two of them, a small fire crackles, providing comforting warmth in the darkness. 

"Sorry," Osmond says quietly. "I…feel human, Barns. I know I'm not. Gods, I looked just like this the day I was born. But what I have with Maria is as real as anything ever could be."

"Glad things are so great with you two," Barns says, almost sarcastically. 

Osmond stares into the fire, unmoving, his arms wrapped around his knees. A stark contrast to Barns, who laid lazily with his legs open and his head on his bag.

"They could be better," Osmond admits. "Lately our relationship has been going through somewhat of a rough patch, I suppose…"

"Somewhat?" 

Osmond clicks his tongue pensively a few times. "Hmm."

They sit in silence for a minute before Osmond speaks again.

"Maria used to be an easy woman to please sexually. Oh - Barns, I'm sorry. This is probably awkward for you to talk about. She's basically your step sister after all."

"Trust me, that's not the most awkward part about it, Oz. But I'll hear you out. Say what you gotta say, man."

Osmond clears his throat. "Okay. Well…pardon me in advance, for Maria has certain…proclivities, you could say, that might startle some less experienced individuals."

"Go on?"

"Well, when Maria and I met, she was a rapscallion. She had this fantasy that I would besiege the castle, turn the king and queen into skeletons, and then…take her as my woman," he says. 

"And at first that's all it was. But it didn't take long for her to start wanting to be tied up during our activities. Or blindfolded. Or flogged. Hit continuously. Lit on fire. You know. Basic stuff."

"This makes so much sense you have no idea," Barns blurts out. 

"But it was never enough. No amount of suppression could satisfy her. So we started doing a roleplay where I would put her on display to the remaining humans and goad them into saving her. And then I would turn the humans into monsters for her pleasure. Though even that soured before long…"

"You're really going in here, huh?"

"By the time you arrived in Dimartino, our life together was crumbling. Nothing I could do would satisfy her cravings. She wanted everything, but all I needed was her. And now she won't even touch me, no matter how much I beg."

Barns bites his lip, feeling somewhat responsible for their predicament - he did lose respect for himself in a lagoon not too long ago. Though perhaps there was something he could do to make the situation right.

"My man, Ozzie," Barns says. "We're allies now, right? Through thick and thin?"

"As long as Maria is on your side, I will be."

"Yeah, yeah, but…pretend Maria's not in the picture. She's…on a vacation with the step-parents. You and I, we're…kind of like…bros, right?"

Osmond's eye twitches. "Did you say 'bros', Barnacles?"

Barns shrugs. "I mean…yeah! It's not like you have many friends. Me neither - at least, not many that are currently alive. I mean, my best friend is a crab…" he trails off awkwardly, unsure of how to continue.

Osmond exhales slowly, his breath making visible vapors in the chilly air. "If you want to be 'bros' I suppose we could be 'bros', Barnac-. Barnie."

"Ayyy! You used the nickname!" he jumps up, grinning from ear to ear and doing a victory pose. "You're the only one who calls me Barnie. I like it."

Osmond smiles back at him. He couldn't help but feel awkward, though he was glad Barns was trying to break through his shell. He needed the push.

Barns sits back down. "Okay. Now that we got that out of the way…Can I, uh…get a blanket forgiveness for anything that might have happened before we were friends?"

Osmond raises an eyebrow. "I don't blame you for freeing Dimartino, Barns."

"Anything and everything from before we were friends!"

Osmond chuckles. "Sure. Get on with your point already."

Barns wipes his forehead. 'Whew'.

"Okay. You said you've been having trouble getting Maria revved up?" 

Osmond makes an ugly face. "That's not quite how I put it…"

Barns has the biggest, stupidest smile on his face. "Here's what you gotta do, Oz. Next time you see Maria, treat her like crap. Maybe even ignore her a little. She'll be all over you, I promise. And if not, well…tell her I made you do it. Rather she be pissed at me."

Osmond is dumbfounded. "But Maria, my dove -"

"Yeah, she doesn't like that fluffy stuff. She's…hm. I would describe her style as…a rabbit with rabies."

"Her style?"

"Don't worry about it," Barns says quickly. "Maybe the reason she wanted you to ever tie her up in the first place was because she wanted to be treated…well…NOT like a Princess. And you doting on her constantly, er, kills the mood?"

Osmond has just had the revelation of a lifetime.

"I can't believe I'm getting sex advice from a virgin child," Osmond says, running his hand through his hair. "But it makes some sense…"

"Strictly speaking I'm not either of those things, but I appreciate the…uh…"

Barns realizes there was nothing nice about Osmond's words.

"Candor?"

"You're welcome," Osmond replies, lost in his own thoughts. "Treat Maria…not like a Princess…but as a possession…"

"Don't get ahead of yourself, big bro. Maybe keep that to the bedroom, and treat her like normal the rest of the time, yeah?"

"Oh. Right," Osmond nods. "It will be strange, having so many people around the castle. We were rarely confined to just the bedroom. A strange turn of phrase."

"Yeah, if not the bedroom, I bet Maria likes boats. Oh and speaking of bedrooms, Clancy's still insisting he gets the royal bedroom, so you and Maria are going to have to move down the hall…"

The two joke around a bit longer before the conversation tilts toward a more serious topic.

"I don't like the deal we made with Francois."

"Me neither," Barns admits. "But it gets her off our backs for now, and we had to tackle Ordella sooner or later."

"She's using it as a test. The twins of Ordella are stronger than she is. If you defeat them, she knows she has no chance - why not surrender then? But what she's really doing is luring us into greater danger. And what if she planned this with the twins? They could be waiting to lay a trap at any of the locations on your map!"

Barns shakes his head. "I don't doubt she's testing us, but she wasn't lying. I sensed murderous intent when she brought up the twins. She wants them dead."

Barns sits in silence for a moment, focusing on Osmond through the flames. 

"I appreciate your concerns, Oz. Thank you for sharing them."

"Of course, Barnie. Glad to advise the legendary hero."

The two share a heartfelt glance before chuckling to themselves. 

Barns surprises himself when he starts talking.

"I know I'm not the hero everyone needs me to be. But I'm giving it my best shot, Oz. I'm not sure if I'll ever get to save a million lives, but I'll go as far as I can."

Osmond closes his eyes. "If anyone could ever pull it off, it's you, 'lil bro'."

The pair look into the fire, grateful for the conversation. With renewed vigor, they hit the road again, eager to get back home.

Barns can't help but throw a joke to start their journey home.

"Oz…you think Clancy ever had a girlfriend?"