Chapter 0 - Disgust

A 25-year-old guy was sitting in a chair in a dark room with a diary in hand, flipping through its pages. After thinking for a while, He went to its first page for no apparent reason and slowly started reading in his mind. He took a deep breath of reminiscence.

[Diary Entry #1]

Have you ever thought to yourself that there's always this one person who would always be there for you, always support you, and think about your well-being no matter the situation, even if the world turned upside down? That person, just by existing within this world, would assure you that you're not alone and that person will always have your back no matter what.

No matter how much you fall into the darkness and despair, she will always bring you back to the daylight. She will sacrifice everything for your well-being.

Yeah, for me, that is my mother. Ever since I was born, as long as I can remember, I always felt like I was a burden to my mother and my family.

I wanted to do so much for her, to make her happy and proud as her son, yet from the beginning, I was nothing but an utter failure. I wasn't good at studies and had to drop out of college. I tried other things here and there but always failed.

But Mom never blamed me for anything. She always supported me. Even my older brother and sister always helped and encouraged me despite having their own families and busy lives. Despite my distant attitude towards my family, they always worried for me. Why am I always so fucking useless.

Mom called me that day as usual after I came back from work,,,,

Ring... ring ring... ring... As the phone rang, I picked up the phone,

"Hello, Mom."

"Yes, Ethan, are you back from work?"

"Yeah, just came back," said Ethan.

"Have you eaten?" asked his mother.

"No, I will now," he replied.

"Ok, eat now and go to sleep. Learn to take a rest. You always push yourself too much," replied his mother.

"Ok, Mom," he said.

"Do you have enough money?"

"Yeah I do, don't worry."

"Do you still have the snacks I gave you?"

"Yeah, I eat them at night"

"Okay, son, bye. Talk to you later."

"Okay, mom."

Another wave of sadness and guilt overcame me after this. I thought about how my mother's health was deteriorating and how I could do nothing to help. Ever since I was a kid, the family's expenses were always on my older brother's shoulders. Even my sister helped the family by saving small amounts of money.

When I was a kid, I promised myself, I would never be as useless and pathetic as my father, yet here I am, just as useless and pathetic.

He closed the diary gently and slumped in his chair weakly. His eyes became watery, so he removed his glasses from his eyes as he looked at the ceiling. Tears trickled down from his two eyes, he bit his lips as a twisted expression of pain plastered onto his face.

Because that was the last conversation he ever had with his mother.

Exactly the day after that, on a day full of rain and a dark cloudy sky, his mother, Tarna Martin, passed away. Ethan cried and continued to cry for days. He wasn't the only one in despair; his brother and sister were also mourning. However, they had their families and children to take care of and could not let themselves sink into despair, even if they wanted to. Ethan's brother and sister consoled him to the best of their abilities and tried to help him emotionally.

That day…

For the first time in his life, Ethan felt what it truly meant to be alone in this world. The entire world felt foreign and hostile to him, as if someone was protecting him from this world before, but now it was attacking him since he's not being protected anymore, making his pain even greater.

The unimaginable sadness and despair that came into his being would not wash away. Not even a single drop of it would, and he would not let this emotion wash away either, till the moment he died or even after he died, because Ethan knows it was all his fault. Everything was his fault.

If only he took care of his mother better.

If only he was smart enough.

If only he tried hard enough.

If only he was rich enough.

If only he was determined enough.

His mother could've lived a better life. Not even once could he give his mother the things she wanted—a more comfortable life, a more peaceful life, a better life.

Tarna's entire life was filled with torment. Her husband was a trash who abused her, could not bear the cost of the family at a certain point, and even sold away some of the lands she bought with her saved money. That responsibility prematurely landed on her oldest son, and Tarna helped with what she could. And till the end of her life, it was filled with poverty and pain. Ethan, till the very end, could not repay his mother.

Despite almost three months after Tarna passed away, Ethan would visit his mother's grave almost every day and keep looking at the grave with hollow eyes. He had already become a bit insane, and Ethan had come to accept it as well.

A normal person would've been back to their daily life by now, even if they grieved from time to time, but Ethan wasn't normal. His greatest wish since he was a kid was to earn lots of money and give his mother, brother, and sister a happy life without any worries of money ever again.

Ethan was also an extremely practical and selfish person. He understood that in the modern world, if someone had enough money, it's the one thing that could potentially solve 99% of all the problems.

Also, he is a selfish person because, apart from his mother and siblings and niece and their children, he never felt any real emotions towards anything else. Ethan thought to himself, "If a devil were to come and give me a choice—I could save my mother and give my family a happy life in exchange for killing everyone else in the world—I would do it in a heartbeat, even if I have to do it myself."

Yet no devil came for his soul, no demon came for his flesh, and no deity came to offer a second chance.

He whispered to himself in his madness and despair, "You know what I hate most in this world? The one thing in existence that disgusts me most." He stated in a hollow and lifeless tone, "IS MYSELF."