Chapter 22: The Ghosts Of Decisions

Lily sat on the edge of the couch, her fingers nervously tapping on the ceramic mug in her hands. The sunlight streaming through the window bathed the room in a soft, golden light, but it did little to ease the storm churning inside her. Her mind felt like it was filled with fog, the kind that clung to everything, blurring her thoughts until they were all tangled together, a mass of what-ifs and maybes.

The doorbell rang, sharp and sudden, cutting through the quiet of the apartment. Lily jumped, her heart racing for a moment before she realized who it was. She stood up quickly, smoothing down the front of her sweater, and went to answer the door.

Amy stood there, her expression one of concern mixed with curiosity. Her dark eyes, always so perceptive, scanned Lily's face for a moment before she stepped inside.

"I brought coffee," Amy said with a half-smile, holding up two paper cups. "And I figured it was time for some girl talk."

Lily tried to smile back, but it felt forced, like a mask she couldn't quite pull off. "Thanks," she said, stepping aside to let Amy in. "I need it."

They walked into the kitchen, and Amy placed the cups on the counter, watching as Lily poured the coffee into mugs. The silence stretched between them for a moment, comfortable but heavy, until Amy broke it.

"So," Amy began, her voice casual but with an edge of concern. "How are you doing? Really."

Lily hesitated, the weight of the question pressing down on her chest. How was she doing? The answer wasn't simple. In some ways, she felt like she was still trying to piece herself together. In others, she was exhausted from the emotional rollercoaster of the past few days.

"I don't know," Lily admitted finally, her voice quieter than she intended. "I'm… okay, I guess. But I don't know what's going on in my head. There's just… so much."

Amy leaned against the counter, crossing her arms and watching Lily carefully. "So this thing with Ben—"

"Yeah," Lily interrupted, her fingers tightening around the coffee mug. "It's… confusing. I don't know if I'm making a mistake by even thinking about it. It all feels like… I don't know. Something's off, but I can't put my finger on it."

Amy raised an eyebrow, her gaze softening with understanding. "What do you mean by 'something's off'?"

Lily took a slow breath, staring into her coffee as if it might hold the answers. "I don't regret what happened," she said, her voice barely above a whisper. "But I'm not sure it was the right thing either. I thought maybe… maybe it was just a moment, something fleeting that I needed to feel. But now, I'm left wondering if it means more. And if I'm just setting myself up for disappointment."

Amy's expression softened, and she moved to sit at the table, her posture relaxed but her eyes never leaving Lily. "I get it. But you're allowed to not have it all figured out right now. Sometimes, we're not supposed to know what's next. Sometimes, it's just about the moment, even if that moment is messy."

Lily shook her head, a small laugh escaping her lips that didn't feel entirely genuine. "I wish it were that easy. But Amy, this isn't just about a moment. This is about a decision I can't take back. And I have to wonder if it was the wrong one. I mean, I know Ben cares about me, but... I don't know if I can trust myself to know what I really need."

Amy's voice softened, as if she understood more than Lily was letting on. "Sometimes, the hardest part is trusting yourself. But you're allowed to take time with it, you know? You don't have to rush into anything."

Lily lifted her gaze, her eyes meeting Amy's. "But what if I wait too long? What if the decision I make now will follow me around forever?"

Amy leaned forward slightly, her tone serious now. "You can't live your life thinking about the consequences of every decision you make. You can't keep second-guessing yourself and wondering if you'll regret it. That's not living, Lily. That's just surviving."

Lily's chest tightened at Amy's words. She could hear the truth in them, but she wasn't sure if she was ready to face it. The truth was, Lily had always been a person who weighed every decision, analyzed every possibility. She'd built her life on caution, on avoiding risks, on protecting herself from the mess of things that could break her. But now, she was faced with a decision that didn't come with a clear answer, and it scared her in a way she hadn't felt in a long time.

"Amy, I don't even know what I want anymore," Lily confessed, the words tumbling out before she could stop them. "I thought I did. I thought I had everything figured out. But now… I just feel like I'm lost."

Amy's expression softened further, and she stood up to walk over to Lily, placing a gentle hand on her shoulder. "You're not lost, Lily. You're just… figuring it out. And that's okay. You're allowed to be unsure."

Lily took in a deep breath, letting the words settle inside her. She didn't have all the answers, and maybe she didn't need them right now. Maybe it was okay to feel the uncertainty, to sit with it instead of trying to outrun it.

"I guess… I guess I just need to stop overthinking everything," Lily said, her voice a little steadier now. "I need to just… breathe. Take one step at a time."

Amy smiled, her hand giving Lily's shoulder a reassuring squeeze. "Exactly. And whatever you decide, you don't have to do it alone. I'm here. We're in this together."

Lily smiled back, the weight on her chest easing just a little. Maybe it wouldn't all work itself out right away. Maybe the confusion would linger for a while longer. But Amy was right. She didn't have to have all the answers. Not yet.

The phone buzzed on the counter, cutting through the quiet between them. Lily reached for it, her heart skipping a beat when she saw the name on the screen.

Ben

Her thumb hovered over the screen for a moment, and she felt a wave of anxiety wash over her. What was he going to say? Was he expecting something from her? Was he as confused as she was?

"Is everything okay?" Amy asked, her voice soft as she watched Lily, sensing her hesitation.

Lily looked at the phone for a moment longer before she finally unlocked it, her fingers trembling slightly as she read the message.

Ben: Hey, I was thinking we could meet up later. I don't want to rush anything, but I want to talk. Let me know when you're free.

Lily exhaled slowly, her fingers still hovering over the screen. It was a simple message, but it carried weight. A decision loomed before her. A choice, one that would carry consequences, one that would leave a mark. And even though she didn't have all the answers, it was a decision she had to make.

"I should probably get going," Amy said, breaking the silence. "But just remember, whatever happens, you've got this. You'll figure it out."

Lily nodded, forcing a smile, though it didn't quite reach her eyes. "Thanks, Amy. I don't know what I'd do without you."

Amy grinned. "You'd probably still be overthinking everything to death."

Lily chuckled, the sound coming out softer than she expected. "True."

As Amy grabbed her things and left, Lily stood by the window, lookingt at the quiet street below. Her phone buzzed again, this time with a message from her mother Linda.

Her mother: So, have you made any decisions?

Lily stared at the screen, her thoughts racing. There was so much she didn't understand yet, so much uncertainty about what was coming next. But there was one thing she did know: she couldn't keep running from the decisions she had to make. She couldn't keep ignoring the things that had been lingering in the back of her mind.

It wasn't about figuring it all out today. It was about moving forward, even with the uncertainty, even with the fear of making the wrong choice. Because sometimes, the ghost of decisions wasn't something you could outrun. Sometimes, you just had to face it and keep moving forward.

Lily took a deep breath and typed her response to her mom

Lily: I don't have all the answers, but I think I'm starting to figure it out.

She set the phone down, her mind still filled with questions, but for the first time in a long while, she felt like maybe—just maybe—she was ready to find the answers.