105. After a bad dream, 1

(Rose)

I wake up in tears. I think I cried all night, asleep or not.

If she died...

Ann is trying to cuddle me, but looks tired too. She probably had an awful night because of me.

I leave the bed naked. Tears keep coming and rolling along my cheeks. I just can't stop. They flow, they flow... Some fell on my breasts. I must look so pathetic...

But Rose lost most of her hopes.

Dead... Dead... All dead... Three years... What will I find home? Oh goodness, I'm so scared! I'm so worried I'm crying again heavily. I'm crouching to cry again.

Ann grabs my shoulders suddenly and pushes me back to the bed. I try to move but she doesn't let me. Why does she look so fierce? She's on top of me with a pained look. She doesn't understand my pain, she wo preferred to see her family dead...

A - After three years, one or two days won't change a thing. Rose, rest. Cry all you want but rest here, where it's safe...

I think she kept talking after that; but all I could hear and understand while she's holding me down was Rose, rest.

My tears keep flowing. I make a pained face. I'm suffering so much I can't bear it.

She's releasing her grasp. I cover my face with my hands and begin to cry very loudly again. I can't stop crying that awful pain.

I didn't cry much when my father died, even though I was very fond of him. I didn't cry when the rest of the family I truly loved died too.

And now that I fear I may have truly lost her, my little sorry sister, I feel a sorrow like non other...

A pain beyond everything else is eating me...

~

After a while, I calm down a bit. I can feel warmth against my skin. It reassures me a bit about myself. I'm still confused though. Ann was lying against me to keep me warm I think, and not alone. Now that I've calmed down, she slips away and leaves the room.

It's all quiet again. All I could hear for hours was my own crying. I'm exhausted.

I still feel some warmth in the bed but it's different. More cosy but less comforting.

I hope she's alive... My kind of sister... We're only sisters because we shared the same name and parents. What she felt for me was different. And what love I always felt for her is different too. I can't describe it very well, because I never found any love that looked like that. And we don't share the same even... We've ever been so different, always, and yet always so fond of each other; as if the world was only meant for us.

When she was born, it was as if I had already known her for all my life, all her life. Like a mother, like a brother, like a sister, like a daughter. I loved her with all I had, even if I was still but a girl. It was as if it was the sensible thing to do. I cared for her beyond help.

And her, that poor sickly girl, no matter what happened to her, she still looked tenderly at me. I was someone even sweeter than a mother or a sister to her. Someone she admired and loved more than any prince... I was someone meant to exist for her. She felt it, she had faith in it and was happier than a nun who met her god with it.

Because I truly was at her side. And she was with me...

What we were to each other I cannot name. But both of our loves were primordial, fulfilling...

I've made so many mistakes... I shouldn't have left without her. I shouldn't have ever left her...

I'm stupid. My sense of guilt is pointless. I just need to see her... And if she's not home... Goodness, please tell me that she's okay.

Someone tell me she's okay...

Please...

~

The black girl knocks and comes in. She asks in a rough English if I'm okay. I'm sad and worried. No, I'm just worried...

M - About home?

R - Yes... I'm worried about my little sister.

She tells me something I don't get. Then something about a bath. I follow her on her invitation, wearing a towel she gave me.

There's a bathroom. The bathtub is fixed against the corner of the room. The walls are covered with white ceramics or porcelain.

Ann and Zeslinry are pouring buckets of hot soapy water in the tub. All that just for me?

I did tell Ann I would wash the wolf's smell when I would have the chance. I don't really care but I don't feel like it's worth arguing so I comply.

They tell me something I don't listen to and they leave me. So I take a bath. It feels weird now.

Seeing how the water gets stained, I guess I was really dirty. Far more than I would have thought. I scrub slowly my healing wounds.

My left hand seems fine. I'm getting used to my missing phalanges. I'm getting used to being a monster...

I feel weak today. Alright. I'll behave today. Tomorrow, I'm going home...

Because I need to know.

I need to know.

I leave the bath when the water turns cold. I dry myself with the towels. I take a look at my rags and remember that I wanted to find new ones. And wearing pairs of trousers like Zeslinry will probably be better. I dress lightly and go out to search for our only way to communicate. It's surely still with someone.

Zeslinry is outside. She trusts us I guess. I ask the black girl. She understands me a little. She shows me the way to a wardrobe. I help myself with what seems practical. These elastic shirts are nice. Many of these clothes have elastics in them.

In the end, I only keep my hard gloves...

I don't really like the colours from most of these clothes but I don't mind and keep what suits me nicely.

I think the girl got scared when she saw my soon to be scars all over my skin. There's a tall mirror in the room.

I look very strange. Older. I've always looked older than I am. But I look more like a tired soldier than a lady now.

I dress and leave the room. As I expected, we will be eating soon. Zeslinry is really happy to have guests that aren't a threat. It's been almost three years since that happened.

Three years...

Three years! How is that possible? Something tricked me... A daiûa tricked me...

One of these djinns from my childhood tales and bedtime stories played a trick on me.

Anyway... I'm eating something fresh with everyone else now. Their soup is actually delicious, though a bit salty.

I thank them all, for the clothes, and the rest... Then I stay quiet and eat slowly. I don't say a word. I don't talk, while they do. I feel worried...

~

I wake up first in the morning. Ann is clinging to my arm and chest. I have ambivalent feelings about so much contact of skins. A part of me feels warmed up, but most of me is not used to that and just wants to get out.

I'm thinking of leaving without her. I want to go. I have to go... I'm being childish because I've suffered. Take deep breathes. Think slowly. What's the best course of action? Travel with her. Even though you feel bad today because of what you learnt yesterday, you like her.

She's proven herself to be more than helpful and kind toward you. You do need some time alone though, for your thoughts and worries to settle a bit.

I'll do that. I slip out from the warm bed then dress and go out. There's mist in the garden. In the park too. I leave a note on Zeslinry's paper. I'm going for a walk in town to think.

~