107. About sex, 2

(Rose)

I wonder what today's date is. August 26th, 1928? No... At this point, let's be honest. The date is unknown.

It might already be the forties for all we know.

It rained all night. The sound of the rain is nicer when you have a cosy shelter. Ann is, again, sleeping against me. I don't have the will to push her away.

I think I saw a crow inside. It makes me move suddenly because of the surprise. I unwillingly woke her up. I tell her. She's still half asleep, and looks unhappy.

A - I'm not a crow...

R - No, outside!

She takes a look but it's gone. I apologise. She tells me it's alright. She thought I called that and it brought back bad memories. But a real one, she doesn't mind...

She's been called a crow? What can I reply to that?

We laze a bit more because it's still raining anyway. The horses are waiting in the middle of the house, in the main living room.

I close my eyes and rest a little more, listening to the rain. Now that I think about it, we were lucky to find the horses back then, given how little animal life is left...

I'm dozing off. I feel quite good here. She asks me something I don't really hear. I don't really reply but my voice emits a sound signifying I'm barely responding. I feel something weird.

She's kissing me. I push her away and leave the bed. She scared me.

She looks either angry or sulking.

R - Why did you do that?

A - Because I love you Rose.

R - Well I don't love you enough for that Ann!

A - Have you forgotten what happened in that field?

R - No... I... I wasn't myself at the time! I was going insane because of the... demon...

A - Well... I liked you better at that time.

R - When I was violent?

A - When you had more guts. It's as if you lost all courage since we don't to fight anymore.

R - You've fallen for the Rose that tries to survive with thorns then. I'm normally more of a kind flower. That's who I truly am...

A - I understand... Forgive me for having my hopes rise too much. I won't try to touch you again.

It does not feel like a victory. I feel bad. What do I want in the end? Who do I want to become?

My old self, a gentle older sister; or the savage that killed humans and monsters alike? Flower or brambles?

Sister Rose will lose Ann and end up alone. Surviving Rose will touch Ann, experience stronger and darker feelings... What I fear most about what I might become is who will come home, and perhaps find her?

I'm afraid of what would happen if I was different from the sister she always knew when I come home...

I lived for her... I behaved for her all my life... She's grown since. But me? While I'm struggling with my inner thoughts, Ann is looking at me, as if she's seeing right through me. She's waiting for me to find my answer.

Who am I? What do I want? What do I like? What is it I'm scared of that I cannot overcome? What is truly at stakes for me?

I did not turn insane before, but I wanted to forget about because of shame. Shame... I feel really childish there.

No matter what I chose, I won't turn into a monster... I'm not losing track of who I am and what I want. That doesn't mean I can't behave more freely.

My heartbeat is increasing steadily. It's rising. I don't have to live up to the expectations I've set up for myself for the sake of someone who is not there at the moment.

I choose to embrace my freedom. Even though I'm scared.

I did like it before. I'm overcoming my feeling of shame and come back. I'm probably flushed red.

I sincerely apologise to her and move over to kiss her. She smiled just before my lips touched hers. She accepted my apology.

I feel her tongue. The taste is still repulsive to me. I don't insist on that.

We begin to touch each other. I do like her neck. Not her breasts. Not much her tummy. Her legs, maybe. I don't like much meat. But now is the time to go beyond that apprehension.

I kiss her here and there. I play with the softer and sensitives parts of her. She does the same to me. It's tickling mostly. It's funny. I feel too warm. I feel like I'm suffocating a bit, though I can still move and react.

It's too warm, it's embarrassing. It feels funny and nice.

Time goes sideway. I can't really think anymore. I lose my words gradually while these sensations grow. I'm a bit scared. I feel good but drunk.

Pleasure rises. It's something else. I'm giving it all.

Weird. Good. Nice. Pleasure spreads in me. I'm overwhelmed. My consciousness shuts down.

~

When I wake up, I still have lingering pleasure tingling here and there in my body. Ann is already dressed and waiting aside. She looks better. I'm smiling unwillingly.

I feel playful and a tad embarrassed again, now that I'm cooling down.

It felt nice... Though behaving in a way that overcomes my usual persona is still somewhat difficult to do willingly.

I'm stronger than I look?

R - You fit better in this world than I do...

A - You think? You certainly still fit quite well you know.

R - I did my best to survive. You evolved... You're stronger now.

A - I'm free now... That's about it.

I'm not yet free, even though I tasted wild freedom. I can't be fully free while I have my purpose in life...

But I can improve myself beside that goal. I'll do my best to release my will from now on.

It doesn't mean I will give up on anything from the choices I made for my life. I'll just act more freely...

I'll do my best. It still feels like giving up my manners, my education...

I tell her that I'll do my best, but I have a lump stuck in my throat and my heart. I feel a bit stained... Soiled...

Ann looks happy though.

She's free.

I'm still looking for who I want to become. I've tried something different.

But what still is the most important thing to me... What will really define who I am... It's what I'm obsessed with.

Her.

Since she was born.

Since I was born, for what I can recall.

My blue bird. My blue rose.

My will to find out what has become of her makes me rise. I stand up and get ready. We eat something and drink some of her milk. I wonder how long it will take to calm down for her. I never had any child. I think my mother breast fed my younger sisters up until they were two years old?

It's almost done raining. I can put my hat with my damaged left hand now. The ceiling is high enough, so we mount the horses inside.

We ride out through the veranda and garden.

Wait for me... It's just a matter of days now...

No matter what the world became, we can be happy...

~