304. Our body & mind, 9

(Rose)

I'm yelling at her with real anger.

It's probably the first time in all of our lives.

She obviously did not expect nor imagine that I could react so violently to that.

She's looking shameful and terrified, realising what she did was a terrible mistake. My furious voice covers all she's attempting to say.

She's shocked that I'm scolding her with such anger, unlike she has ever seen before.

She went too far, and on my own body. Turning me into... this.

Something dark erupted out of a deep corner of my mind, as I realised better what I now had on my body. I'm feeling disgusted and nauseous about more than one thing now, and it pushed my anger to a level I never held before for something I'm not willing to kill. I feel awful and that's an understatement.

Bleue is decomposed for a while as I'm venting my shock and disgust.

Then comes a painful silence, as I'm catching my breath back and she's brushing her tears.

I sigh deeply. I hold the nausea. Now we can try to talk...

R - How could you do this to me?

B - I wanted... I thought you were feeling better about sex, and... A failed surprise... The wrong idea for a surprise.

R - I may have come to more or less accept that I've been raped when I was still a child. It doesn't mean the darkness I feel about it is fully gone or unable to come back when I'm traumatised!

I'm barking again. I try to calm down but it's impossible.

R - Seeing this... It's an awful painful trigger for me; to bring out the worst of me! Really the worst... I still am built upon the ideal of being a dignified Rose, and try to lean toward that despite all... You just reminded me of how much of a sullied beast and sullying monster I've really become...

B - You're not a monster. You're the Rose I love.

R - Your words are not enough to appease me right now.

She lowers her head a little. She's sad I guess. I feel like I'm still about to vomit.

R - Using the wish stone for that of all things...

B - It was a harmless wish.

My arm and hand moved by themselves. I refrained myself from slapping her face with all my strength, barely.

She saw that.

R - You condemned me to become a man just for your selfish lust...

B - No, well... Yes for lust, but you're not a man.

R - My testicles disagree! Goodness I feel so gross...

B - You're not a man, you're a hermaphrodite now.

R - A what?

B - An incarnation of love, a being with both genitalia, like a goddess. And you kind of looked like a goddess of fertility when you were... well, ejaculating so much.

R - Just... Stop, please. Stop teasing me. I'm not in the mood, really.

She tries to hug me but I push her away. I feel too much betrayed. I can't accept her touch right now. I'll just punch her by reflex.

R - Why... Just for sex, really?

B - Well... Yes? Mostly...

I feel a shiver now.

She's about to open another of Pandora's box I never wanted to witness.

I can see this doom looming right now. I can't...

B - After a while I thought... Maybe we could also try to have a child together.

R - Stop it.

B - Because I love you...

R - Stop it!

I screamed, so strongly, my voice broke and my throat lost some of the sounds.

It still echoes.

I feel that I was standing painfully above the edge of insanity, and she just pushed me...

If she says anything else... It will be too much.

I'm tensed. My muscles are becoming nervous and aggressive.

I look at her with so much hatred that she looks scared for her life.

R - Fuck off.

Get the fuck out of here. Now.

She runs away.

I can hear her footsteps as she's running in the corridor behind. It becomes more distant, and soon all quiet around me.

My breathing is all I hear, and my heartbeat inside my head. It's painful. My head hurts so much. My lungs hurt.

I'm too afraid to look between my legs right now. I fight back the urge to scratch my skin to blood down there and ripping it all off.

I have the very fugitive and lucid thought that I probably will come to make my peace with this someday.

That day won't be tomorrow, and hell not today.

~

I'm trying to clean myself but there's no water anywhere. I feel like I'm never going to get rid of that smell.

I'm wiping my skin with cloth till it hurts, including around my new disgusting organ.

At least, it's much smaller than I feared. It's just skin now.

It still is gross, like a tumour in the middle of my pubic hair. I still have my normal genitalia below. It's a little reassuring to see that. Although I still feel worse than when I was ill to the point that my hair fell off.

It's just... Shit... That feeling that I'm not in control of my own life is triggering violent reactions inside of me.

And the trauma is like a Trojan horse, bringing forth more of my bad memories. Guilt, fear, pain, injustice, despair, solitude...

Solitude...

My anger against Bleue is still vivid and hurting me.

I later go to urinate with some worry. It comes out from the usual hole and not the penis, thank goodness. But biologically speaking, I don't know what to do with that finding yet.

Fuck! Bleue! I feel like I need to destroy something to vent more anger. I really do.

~

After a while, I notice that Ana came to see me.

The giant crow now able to walk is nibbling my shoe, pecking my trousers, and then pecking me directly.

A dog would bark for attention. Ana pokes you sharply in the legs, or pulls your sleeve.

R - Alright, alright...

I put the thick shoulder pads and kneel down. Ana jumps to stand on there.

I stand up and she crouches slightly so we go through the doorframe. We go out for a walk.

We enter the park of the resort. It's still pretty verdant. I don't really am in the mood to play however. I sit there and keep scratching my arms nervously.

I haven't seen anything that would hint there are living animals to hunt around here. I let Ana jump down as I sit and remove the shoulder pads. She jumps on them to stand there by my side. We're looking at each other in silence, in this very artificial park.

R - She used to be my blue bird of happiness...

Ana is playing at pecking my hand and nibbling my fingers. I sigh.

Something in her reminded me of Blume, and the time when her brambles came out of my body.

I've been transformed before...

Somehow I'm someone for whom it's infuriating to be given human genitalia, but was perfectly fine with abnormal growths, and harbouring an alien lifeform, a parasite able to twist our flesh, in the middle of my thoracic chest.

I'm feeling pathetic.

Is that how stupid my traumas can lead me to be?

I don't recall feeling often disgusted by the growth of Blume over my chest nor her vine shaped tentacles she could stretch around at will. I was never scratching nervously my skin around her as if allergic.

What I have now... is human...

And somehow, I'm weird enough to find it even harder to tolerate.

I'm petting Ana's head, lost in thoughts.

R - I know it's our world now... Evolution and adaptation go faster than ever before. Such a transformation... It shouldn't be a big deal, right?

A - Hyaa.

I'm still trembling. It is a big deal to me. It's hard to accept, and painful. As if I now was constantly exposed to the one thing I'm allergic to. I could evolve, or die...

It's so painful...

But I won't die.

~