327. About love, 7

(Rose)

We repeat the same talks as before.

Bleue is reaching out to me, while I'm afraid to reciprocate.

B - I've heard and seen you run toward deadly monsters without a shiver of a doubt. But facing me trying to undress her to share a pleasant moment, you're trembling and running away like a young fluffy bunny.

R - Should I squeal? Please be gentler with my heart.

B - You were the one who promised you would ravage my body. I'm still waiting.

R - Aah... No...

Bleue is already all over me while I'm ridiculously trying to cover my face or keep some modesty on.

B - Come on Rose. Grow beyond your fears a little already.

R - Why are you so aggressive about it? I'm slowly getting there.... I need my slow pace for that.

B - I'm so aggressive because...

She holds my face firmly and kisses me deeply, long.

I can hardly breathe while her tongue is making my head spin figuratively.

Wet eyes, flushed face. Mesmerizing wide gaze and alluring demeanour.

B - Because I love you so much it hurts me...

Her chest is uncovered. I see her slim neck and white pale skin all down to the middle of her torso I'm swallowing my hot saliva with some difficulties.

B - Only your love can make it go better.

R - Though you don't mean only kisses anymore It's real coitus now that you want.

B - I want kisses too. I want a child from you too. I want everything. And more, a lot lot more.

Instead of kissing her neck like I realise was about to, I step back and cover my face with my hands again. I know it's childish, but I'm feeling more than naked currently.

B - You really don't want to do it with me?

R - I do... But I'm scared. I know love or lust is more or less only an instinct to help us reproduce and thrive as a species...

B - It's not just that. You're being unfair.

Sharing feelings. Sharing physical pleasure. Reproducing. Raising offspring, together.

The instinct to reproduce can also bring a lot of violence, not just love.

That's where my mind is a broken clock. At that crossroad between love, lust, and morbid violence. I keep tripping over this, the wrong way.

The stupidly common dilemma of Eros and Thanatos.

R - I'm broken you know... Where sex and violence meet love, or could meet them.

Bleue slowly slides her hands around mine as she's sitting over my lap, uncovering my teary face.

She kisses the palm of my hands and brings them to her neck.

It terrifies me.

B - I know. I told you I would accept that. You love me and I know you won't hurt me really. Even if you're not trusting yourself there, I know better. We already made love countless times. You've never hurt me. Why would this be any different?

R - Because it's a phallus. I would be like a man....

B - That's wrong. You're not. Having this doesn't make you something you're not. You will just be Rose, like always.

R - Why do you want a child? Why is that so important? I don't care about the species...

B - Me neither. It's because a child is the strongest expression of love of course. I know we're deep romantics at heart, but beyond the blue rose, we're also humans. With everything smelly and flabby this can imply.

R - I always wanted to be...

B - Your ideal self, like mom, I know. Mom had children with father too you know. Because the blue rose wasn't enough and they outgrew it. You, you were always scared of getting lost if you strayed too far away from this idealism you have imagined. Indulging yourself with human desires doesn't mean you're going to be lost for ever from that romantic self you are...

I've shed another tear there.

R - You're destroying me.

She looked shocked for a moment, but regained her composure.

B - I won't let you flee reality and escape yourself through that. I love your ideal too. All of you! Just please, please Rose, don't keep that unrealistic ideal stop you, prevent you, from loving me a little more humanely.

I'm scared of my wild side, like she was too and seem to forget.

B - I know you will always be closer in reality to that unattainable ideal than to the monster you believe you are. Even if you were to let go and let yourself completely loose. Rose, I know you better than you imagine... If you don't trust yourself, have some faith in me...

She seems to have a sudden unrelated idea.

B - I should have looked for alcohol.

R - Oh no... Please don't. I told you, I'm almost on your side. Please stop hurting me while I'm going through...

B - I love you Rose.

R - I love you too...

You still hurt me like hell when you want to...

R - Again.... Why a child? We were already having sex between us nicely. We were already sharing a lot...

B - It's because of what will happen next. Do you see what I mean?

What happens next... I should have had these words tattooed on me They should be on my grave.

B - Love is also enjoying this future together. There's no reason to hope we will be reborn again in four hundred years. But before we vanish too from this Earth, we could make new flowers bloom. Wouldn't you love it?

R - ...

B - Remember your feelings for Blue after she was born. She wasn't your child, but that kind of love that took you over... It's different from what we have now, and closer to that ideal you love as well. We could share this much together. Being mothers.

R - Me... Being a mother?

The words are simple, but it sounds so outrageous to me...

Because I see myself as an inhuman monster, never to be worth it.

But becoming a mother, or sort of a father, it would send my identity to fly toward something else, a different world...

R - I would be the father though...

B - I thought you would feel less bad that way than the other way around.

R - Less bad, probably...

B - Can you imagine yourself as a parent?

My mind goes completely blank.

A minute passes in aphasia. Then I kind of wake up where I was, with a migraine lingering.

R - I... Can't.

B - Let me imagine it for you then. And when this promise will make your feelings for me overflow, you'll be ready to make that leap with me.

I wasn't that far already.

Because I do love you. So much that it hurts me as well...

B - Close your eyes and only listen to my voice...

I obey, and listen as she whispers what could be.

~