345. About love, 8
(Rose)
Being lost inside your own head and bad dreams is just a nameless horror.
Everything felt wrong. It was all just torture. Endless torture.
But then. After an eternity in hell, I saw you. I heard you.
You looked like an angel coming to liberate me. Even though your existence has always been at the heart of my torment, seeing you was like...
Day, appearing in an instant, piercing through a long lasting night. I held my breath as I reached out for your gleaming hand on the other side...
I escaped, being pulled away, and returning to the world of light I had almost forgotten but slipped away from.
Blinded, knocked out. And then, awakening, seeing your tearful face over mine.
My memories were too scrambled, still too deep asleep.
It took me long and slow seconds to remember who I was, who you were, and why you were crying over me.
The more the memories returned, the heavier I felt.
R - How long has it been?
B - A day. Or two.
My head hurts me a lot. It can't have been only a single day.
R - It felt like... years. My memory is hazy.
Time on the other side, what was Blume saying about it? I forgot.
Meanwhile Bleue giggled with a smile contrasting with her tearing eyes.
B - Yeah, I bet it felt like a hundred years for you, my fairest... Thank you... For coming back to me...
She swallowed a few words. She's exhausted. I feel like I'm floating and about to pass out.
R - I recall... Saying the same thing to you once... A long time ago.
B - It wasn't you, and it certainly wasn't me either. But I know what you mean and how you feel... I'm. I'm so sorry Rose, for everything. And welcome back.
R - Sorry... What for?
Bleue helps me sit. I feel drained, exhausted. I realise I've lost all my fat and muscles, even my thingy... I look ghastly.
R - My body... What happened to me?
I still barely remember how I was reunited with Blue... Bleue. Where are we?
Near the Ottoman capital city... I hold my head. My memory is confused. I'm too tired to sort them and make sense of it all.
B - Don't worry Rose... It'll come back soon enough. As for why I'm apologizing, it's because I've hurt you and scared you, more than once.
It does ring a bell. But it's not like I wanted to leave you just for that.
Bleue looks like she's pleading for my forgiveness. For me not to abandon her.
Sorrowful begging doesn't suit her. I didn't want to see her like that.
And something in my heart resonates with that fear she mentioned. Something I held up and hid, maybe. Was I scared of her?
Something breaks inside of me. I just begin to cry.
R - I have been scared, of me, and you, of what we are, of what we become... But I love you... I love you so much...
B- Please forgive me Rose...
Of course I'll forgive you, you fool. We kiss a little clumsily. There's an unusual taste lingering.
R - What's that taste?
B - That's... The flying tree sap? I had to soak myself with it to come here. It was dire.
I don't recognise the place I'm in. I don't recognise my own body in shambles. Bleue wearing that sap like makeup over her skin is just the tree hiding the forest.
What on Earth happened to me?
~
Bleue helped me walk to the edge of the building. We discover the hollow ruins of a city, clearly ravaged by bad weather and partially flooded. It's as if a monsoon had followed an earthquake maybe.
She didn't tell me right away what I kind of guessed.
Bleue just opened her bottle of sap and spread it over herself and me. It's a little painful like a burn on my pale skin, but I don't complain.
Bleue then holds me tight and her large wings spread. The first impulse feels like bumping into someone fast, and we're beginning to rise in the sky.
We're leaving this place, holding onto each other.
My memories are still completely scrambled, but I can tell as I look at the ruins of this city I don't recognise, that I'm better away from here.
~
As we're calmly flying away, which is a pretty nice sensation actually, we discuss a little further again. We're reopening our damaged hearts.
B - I never realised how much you had suffered in your life Rose. And I'm really sorry for hurting you so much further.
R - It's.... Alright.
B - No, it's not. I've always looked up to you as that ideal woman you're trying to be. You were like that for me as well. I should have been able to acknowledge how much efforts you had to give to be like that. How much you suffered.
I don't really understand what she's saying or where she's going, aside that she's apologetic.
B - Rose, your thorns... You're not at peace with them. Your endless fight against your inner monster, I haven't made it better...
She knows.
My real self.
I'm shivering.
I sort of recall that she probably has for a while already, but I realise it today in a cold shiver.
My deeper resentment and hungers I don't want to be.
R - I've... always been conflicted about myself. That's not really new... And you already accepted it, accepted me... I don't understand what's different now...
Bleue is tearful, holding me tighter against her.
B - It's like we've been playing an act for so long, playing a game that was refusing to acknowledge the real Rose. And instead of feeling progressively better about your thorns, it just grew worse. Until you faced something so awful it triggered their return, and the loss of your inner fight. You lost it Rose... Because you kept that rift growing. Because I didn't help... I don't want that nightmarish moment to happen again!
My heart is pinched hard, but I feel powerless right now.
R - I don't know what I should do.
B - Love me. Love me more. I will accept everything Rose. You will have to share your suffering with me. You will show it to me. You can't fight alone anymore. Giving all your love to me means also giving me some taste of that side in the shades that you hate inside of you.
R - You mean losing my ideal... Dropping the mask and acting more selfishly... You speak like a being-like-her...
B - Rose! Stop that!
She just yelled at me, tears in her eyes again.
B - I don't care how dirty you feel, show it to me. Give all of it to me.
I'm feeling murky.
R - It's just hatred I have in my guts. I would feel awful vomiting that on you...
B - I love you Rose. But if you're too cautious, that fear will kill you. Take the risk of hurting me... For you and for us. Please, let all of your emotions go on me. I'm begging you. Because I love you!
I'm scared. I'm terrified. I'm not sure what to do. That sludge in my guts is rising.
It feels like death is going to burst through my throat and then lips.
And it does.
R - I've... hated you... So much. I've hated you so much, I thought of killing you... I had bad dreams about it when we were still children.
Bleue looks really pained. My chest hurts but feels a little lighter also.
I've begun crying for good.
R - I've hated you so much! You were not talking at the time... Always in your own world. I hated myself for loving someone like you who hardly looked back at me. And I've hated your guts for disappearing on me!
I keep vomiting old grudges. I can't control myself anymore.
It kept going for very long and awkward minutes.
Until we finally landed a good span outside the dead city.
Some murk from the depth of my heart was now staining all of Bleue. I couldn't take it back.
I sat there crying. I've always loved you.
R - I've always... Hated you for what you were... You dismissed my love. You ignored me. You left. You died... And yes you scared me in this life, and more than once! You terrified me...
I'm exhausted. I'm breathing heavily, my head stuck in a painful vertigo.
R - I've hated you so much...
And always loved you twice as much nonetheless. Always.
Bleue gently hugged me while I kept sobbing.
B - I love you too...
~
We were sitting there in the grass, at the edge of this odd cooler area.
R - I think you always were the one I threw all of my emotions at... But I only acknowledged love. I wanted it to be just that.
B - And it grew since. So I'm happy you made that choice.
R - I'm sorry... For what I am.
B - I'm not. You're my beautiful Rose. I love you with your flowery side and your spiteful thorns. I just love you too.
~