383. Qualia, 4

(Licht)

I survived that time.

I survived the aftermath of my encounter with Priest.

My wounds healed reasonably over time, aside for my missing arm.

And I was still in obvious decline. It was hard to travel with a single hand and trembling legs.

Europe, this land has been harsh on me lately. It's been harder to live on.

And I was growing weaker each passing day. I was struggling to live through each of them.

I could guess my doom at the end of each day.

Every morning, I ended up waking up thinking up with some surprise that I was able to live on through another day.

Another day, another challenge.

Every day I was tempted to cross the line.

I still carried the stone of Licht.

I was still carrying that slightly glowing artefact that carried what was left of that will.

I was tempted to use it, to fully regenerate and become the Licht I already was becoming.

But crossing that line meant another form of doom, which I wasn't ready to face.

Becoming something bright and powerful this way also meant a short term collapse of my humanity and life.

That stone tempted me every day to forget how much I suffered.

I held on, like any animal. I crawled, clenching my teeth, walking as long and as far as I could.

~

My pitiful self eventually reached a rural area where survivors once dwelled.

A city of survivors, now lying in ruins.

Everything had burnt, not so long ago.

Some stains here and there, I could guess had once been human beings. Many had died, by the wrath of a monster.

Probably from the claws of the likes of Priest. Zealots unconcerned about the long consequences of their virtuous actions.

That city had gathered a lot of materials and people. Amidst the ruins, I found medicinal supplies. I also found a few young adults still alive and gathering what could be still salvaged.

The young man adjusted his glasses when he saw me, obviously surprised.

I probably looked like I already died.

~

The man and his recomposed family were leaving the area for good. After gathering the last useful items and burying the remains, they would leave and regroup with others elsewhere.

The last ones still healthy would join the ones who left before, after the last few ones about to die would pass away.

Many of them were now fighting disease, age and exhaustion, regrouped in a sanatorium.

Most people in his group thought I would join the group of the dying ones there. To enjoy my last few days on Earth with their gentle care until the end and their emigration.

That wouldn't be it.

I know I will die, but it won't be here, not like that.

When I die, it won't be lying on a bed waiting to pass away.

I will die fighting, and I will never have a grave.

But more importantly on this day, I realised the man was a surgeon or at least a doctor.

And I saw an opportunity to do something more.

I needed new flesh.

I needed more blood.

And I wanted a new arm.

He could help me getting all that, with the ones passing on.

I scared him and his friends, when I told him what my wishes were.

But we made a pact nonetheless.

I might have spooked him with what the side roads of humanity could be out-there, but he accepted to help me.

In exchange, I pointed out to them on their maps where I had seen other survivors during my travels, and which areas would be best to avoid at all costs. I shared all the knowledge of what awaited them out-there I could spare.

For that price, though I would have given the information regardless, they agreed to give me the flesh of the next ones to die, in order to operate me and transplant parts of them onto me.

~

Of course he was scared.

Of course it was insane.

A blood transfusion won't cure radiation poisoning, and an arm transplant will be rejected by the body rapidly, without ever coming to function properly.

Even though he lived in this world for years like everyone else, even though he had his share of weird oddities happening near him, this was still quite a leap of faith.

He tried to warn me the transplants I asked for would not work. Repeatedly.

I knew as a human this would be true. But as a daiûa... I can make some of it become true.

I would make it work with patience and tweaks my power as Licht allows.

He couldn't see it, and I couldn't spare to show him. The balance between my biology and my power was already weak. I might just fail and die, but I think I will make it, and make what I can get mine.

He agreed to operate me, but this was a picture of horror and insanity in his mind.

I'm afraid I shocked him in more ways than one. Nothing might have made sense anymore, but he did it.

I broke his mind, and he followed me behind.

I'm sorry...

But even if I have to become a monster, I have to survive...

~

The operations were done live, without anaesthetics, and in a non-sterile environment to top it off.

I held onto the glowing stone melting into the palm of my left hand, generating a flow of air around us, along with a diffuse sterile light.

An extension of my body to use cautiously.

It also made my flesh less prone to bleeding and more intent on sticking and absorbing what was given to it.

I could feel my face being rejuvenated while that light was on. It wouldn't last. I will catch up and age even faster afterward. But for now, I'm making the surgeries achievable.

I still have to endure terrible pain, as he stitches filets of flesh and skin over me, where I had too much decayed.

I had these weird crevices here and there, down to the bones. The skin and flesh of a dead man came to fill them.

The good doctor could see that my skinned flesh was eager to absorb what came to stick on it under that soft light. The meats of two different colours rapidly melted into one another, showing there was barely anything human left in my metabolism but my overall appearance at this point. I was already a monster. Now I would be stitched all over and repaired with the help of the dead.

Patches of different colours gradually appeared all over me.

And finally, the pièce de résistance, a full right arm.

The good man dislocated what was left of mine at my elbow. I held my screams of pain.

Then, he was attaching an arm that was never meant to be compatible with mine in any way or form.

He still proceeded to staple and sew the muscles back together. The nerves. Then some bigger blood vessels, and finally the skin.

He could see the flesh beginning to move and react, slightly melting, as soon as he left it behind to work on another spot.

I endured everything in a daze, leaving my body to work its wonders, until the end.

~

I woke up from my passing out during the surgery. I felt awful.

Maybe I acted out of panic more than foresight.

I was near the end.

I had to seize the opportunity I could see.

I made a rash decision, but I had barely any other choice.

There is a fear out there that calls me. That Priest.

I can't avoid it. I have to go and face it.

That doom looming over me, making me feel like I can't escape it, I will face it.

Priest...

I'm fading.

I'm holding onto the wish stone left by the previous Licht again.

I will continue to use the minimum amount of it to survive.

With some luck, all that was given to me through surgery will lighten the burden on my flesh and light.

I'm falling asleep again.

And either my body will manage to do the rest and seize that chance I saw, or that will be the end.

I asked the surgeon to leave me in a sheltered place before they left. But they can leave me there.

Just leave me to sleep for a little while, and don't worry about it.

I'm not their responsibility. I don't want to be either.

I'm feeling confused I must say, as I feel my mind falling and slumber around my senses.

Surviving doesn't help the mind to grow.

I will feel better once I wake up, and have a new arm.

I'm quite sure of it.

And if a war is about to start, and you can't see it... What's the best thing to do? What's the real best thing to do?

I couldn't quite figure it out yet at the time...

So I ran toward my fate, and this situation.

I wanted a new arm and higher chances to survive first.

Hopefully I would later find out the best course of action I recall thinking back then.

I forgot about it afterward, but I recall really trying my best to find a solution to the situation.

The life of Rose Blume, the fate of Licht and Priest, and even the other roses, the humans and the new gods.

All of them appeared as a twirling puzzle and scattered pieces hovering around one another. They could meet with potentially disastrous outcomes.

My role between all of them, was to find the true solution...

~