13: Suspect No. 1

The Krusty Krab had never been this tense. Customers sat frozen in their seats, whispering among themselves. Mr. Krabs paced back and forth, clutching his claws like a stressed-out stockbroker. SpongeBob trembled near the empty grill, eyes darting around like a detective who had just stumbled onto a major conspiracy.

And Squidward?

Squidward just wanted to go home.

"So let me get this straight," he said, rubbing his temples. "Some mastermind criminal broke into the kitchen during business hours, stole the patties in complete darkness, and somehow disappeared without a trace?" He exhaled sharply. "Yes, that seems very likely."

Detective Finley smirked. "Believe what you want, but the evidence speaks for itself."

Squidward gestured at the kitchen. "What evidence?! There's nothing here!"

Finley ignored him and turned to the customers. "Alright, folks. Nobody leaves until we find out who's behind this. I'm gonna need statements from everyone."

A large, muscular fish stood up. "Hey, I didn't steal nothin', and I got a karate class to get to!"

Finley eyed him. "Mmhmm. A tough guy, huh?" He jotted something in his notebook. "I bet you have plenty of strength to haul away a tray full of Krabby Patties."

"Wait, what?! I just came for lunch, man!"

Another fish, an elderly woman with thick glasses, raised a shaky hand. "Young man, I can barely pick up a spoon, let alone steal patties! I demand to see my lawyer!"

A nerdy fish in suspenders pushed his glasses up. "Statistically speaking, the culprit is likely someone with a deep knowledge of Krabby Patties… possibly an inside job."

The room fell silent.

Then, everyone turned their heads—

Straight at SpongeBob.

SpongeBob recoiled, clutching his chest. "Wha—ME?! How dare you suggest such a thing!" His lower lip quivered. "I would never—could never—COULD NEVER EVEN IMAGINE—stealing a Krabby Patty! That's like saying a mother would steal her own baby!"

Finley snapped his fingers. "Bingo. And guess who makes all the patties here?"

SpongeBob gasped. "Me!"

"Exactly."

Squidward rubbed his eyes. "Please, please tell me we're not actually doing this."

Mr. Krabs stomped forward. "Aye, now that I think about it… ye do spend a suspicious amount of time alone with the patties, boy."

SpongeBob gasped again, even louder. "Mr. Krabs! You raised me!"

"I just hired ye."

"Same thing!"

Squidward shook his head. "I hate to side with the lunatic here, but let's be real—SpongeBob would rather jump into a pit of lava than let a patty go to waste."

Finley narrowed his eyes. "Or… maybe that's what he wants us to think."

"Excuse me, Detective Gill?" SpongeBob sniffled. "Are you accusing me of burger betrayal?"

"I'm just looking at the facts." Finley crossed his arms. "You had the motive, the access, and the opportunity. Plus, you're way too emotionally attached to these burgers. That kind of obsession… leads to crime."

SpongeBob staggered back like he'd just been slapped.

"Crime?!" he squeaked. "But I—no, this isn't—"

Finley clicked his pen. "I'm gonna have to ask you to step aside, SpongeBob."

"But I—"

"Step. Aside."

SpongeBob's eyes welled up with tears as he shuffled away from the grill, hands trembling. The silence in the room was deafening.

Mr. Krabs sighed dramatically. "I never thought I'd see the day. Me own fry cook… a criminal."

SpongeBob whimpered. "I… I just wanted to make people happy!"

Squidward rolled his eyes. "Oh, for Neptune's sake—can we stop being dramatic and find the real thief?"

Finley ignored him and leaned closer to SpongeBob. "Where were you when the lights went out?"

SpongeBob blinked. "I was standing right… here. Right where I always stand! Right where I was born to stand!"

"And you didn't see anything?"

"Nothing but darkness!"

Finley tapped his chin. "Hmm. Convenient."

"OH, COME ON!" Squidward snapped. "That's not even evidence! That's just... being in the dark!"

Finley smirked. "Exactly. Which means the crime could've happened right under his nose without him realizing."

Squidward exhaled sharply. "This is why I hate my job."

SpongeBob collapsed onto the floor. "I AM INNOCENT!"

Finley flipped through his notebook. "Then prove it."

SpongeBob's lips wobbled. "H-h-how?"

"You tell me," Finley said smoothly. "If you didn't take the patties, then who did?"

SpongeBob's eyes darted frantically across the restaurant. "Um, um, um… M-Mr. Krabs?"

"WHAT?!"

"Okay, okay, not you! Um… PATRICK?"

Everyone turned to look at Patrick, who was sitting at a booth, peacefully eating a Krabby Patty.

SpongeBob gasped. "PATRICK!"

Patrick blinked, mouth full. "What?"

"WHERE DID YOU GET THAT PATTY?!"

Patrick looked down at the sandwich in his hands, then back up at everyone staring at him.

A long silence.

Then, Patrick slowly started chewing again.

"...I brought it from home."