Dating Evil God is Wrong, As I Expected

I should've known something was off the moment I got the message.

Evil God: Want to watch a movie with me?

Those words alone nearly made me choke on my drink.

From the hallway, Komachi's voice floated into my room. "Onii-chan, are you okay? You sound like you're dying."

I quickly set my cup down, trying to recover. "It's nothing. I got distracted by this bullshit on TV."

Komachi peeked her head from the kitchen, raising an eyebrow. "You sure? You're not choking because a girl messaged you or something, right?"

I scoffed, waving her off. "Please. Like that would ever happen."

She grinned mischievously. "Yeah, you're right. That would be a miracle."

Ouch. Pain.

With that devastating parting shot, Komachi retreated to whatever she was doing, leaving me to wallow in my misery.

I glanced back at my phone.

8MAN: Why?

Evil God: I've never been to one.

8MAN: That doesn't explain why I'm involved.

Evil God: It's more efficient to observe the experience with someone who can provide commentary.

Ah, there it was. The true reason. I wasn't there for company — I was essentially her designated podcast.

Still, I didn't have a good enough excuse to say no without sounding suspiciously like a hikikomori.

8MAN: So I'm just... free commentary?

Evil God: Pretty much :D

8MAN: Wow. I feel special.

Evil God: You should. I don't ask just anyone.

I stared at the screen, wondering if that was supposed to be flattery. It didn't feel like it. I ignored the fact that Evil God didn't have anyone to ask.

Still.

Her replies were getting disturbingly natural.

It felt like each time we talked, she leveled up her social skills at an alarming rate. If this kept up, she'd surpass me by next week—not that the bar was particularly high.

8MAN: You're getting scarily good at this.

Evil God: At what?

8MAN: Sounding like a normal person.

Evil God: Is that a compliment or an insult?

8MAN: Yes.

There was a brief pause.

Of course, but I'm on the side of Humanity.

I sighed. She really was developing too fast. I wasn't sure if I should be impressed or terrified.

8MAN: You know how to sell an invitation.

Evil God: Was that sarcasm?

8MAN: What do you think?

There was a short pause before she replied.

Evil God: I think you're saying yes.

I sighed, rubbing the back of my neck. She wasn't wrong, not because I particularly wanted to go, but I knew she'd just keep pestering me until I gave in.

8MAN: Fine. What movie?

Evil God: I'll let you know when we get there.

That sounded ominous.

8MAN: This isn't some psychological experiment, right?

Evil God: You'll find out.

Great. Now I was going to spend the next few hours wondering if this was some elaborate plan made by Evil God.

I threw my phone on the bed and flopped down beside it.

From the side, Komachi spoke up again. "Onii-chan, you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah," I muttered. "Just questioning my life choices."

ㅤ

ᛚᛟᚾᛖᛚᚤᚲᚤᚾᛁᚲᚨᛚᛋᛟᚢᛚ

ㅤ

And now, here I was.

Standing outside the cinema next to Evil God, I could practically feel the glances from passersby. A couple of high schoolers walking by nudged each other and smirked. I could already hear their thoughts echoing loud and clear.

"Look at that poor guy. Doesn't even know how to handle his girlfriend properly."

"She's way out of his league."

I clenched my fists in my pockets, resisting the urge to explain to the strangers. To people who I would never see again that this wasn't a date. In fact, it was the furthest thing from a date.

Not that they'd believe me.

I side-eyed Evil God, who stood calmly by the ticket counter, radiating her usual unapproachable aura. The fact that she was drawing even more attention with her attractive appearance wasn't helping my case.

"...I'm just saying," I mumbled, "this whole 'going to the movies' thing feels like a raijuu activity. High schoolers sit in the dark, pretending to watch the movie when really they're just—"

"Making out?" Evil God interrupted, glancing at me.

I coughed awkwardly. "You didn't have to say it so bluntly."

"It's a common occurrence, isn't it? I read that somewhere."

"...I guess. But that's exactly the problem. It's cliché. Predictable. Honestly, if there's a ranking for fake high or middle school relationships, dates to the movies have to be in the top five."

She tilted her head slightly as if processing my words. "I wouldn't know. As I said, I've never been to a movie before."

I blinked. "...Wait, seriously?"

Evil God nodded. "Yeah. That's why this can't be considered a date. It's more of study for me."

That almost made me feel guilty.

Almost.

It's still an Evil God.

"Well, don't get your hopes up," I muttered. "Movies aren't all that exciting. It's just two hours of overpriced popcorn and regret."

"I see." Evil God seemed completely unfazed by my cynicism, striding toward the entrance without hesitation, leaving me to trail behind. I sighed and shoved my hands into my pockets.

Another group of university students passed by, giggling to themselves.

"Look at him! Trying so hard to look cool. He's so awkward."

I resisted the overwhelming urge to disappear into the floor.

ㅤ

ᛚᛟᚾᛖᛚᚤᚲᚤᚾᛁᚲᚨᛚᛋᛟᚢᛚ

ㅤ

Inside the theater, we found our seats without much issue. The crowd was sparse — mostly couples and a few solo moviegoers.

As the lights dimmed and the previews rolled, I finally leaned over. "By the way, what movie are we watching?" I whispered.

Evil God stared at the screen, eyes glinting faintly from the glow of the projector. "A teenage romance drama."

I felt my soul leave my body.

Of course.

Of course.

Why did I think it would be anything else?

Evil God clearly wants to torture me.

I slouched further into my seat, sighing. "Let me guess. It's about some girl transferring to a new school, falling for the mysterious yet misunderstood guy?"

Evil God nodded. "That's the general plot."

"I was kidding."

"I wasn't."

Fantastic. This was going to be painful.

About halfway through the movie, I couldn't take it anymore.

The protagonist was standing in the rain, confessing her love dramatically while the male lead brooded against a lamppost like a third-rate light novel cover.

I leaned closer to Evil God, whispering, "You know none of this actually happens in real life, right?"

"I assumed as much."

"So why did you pick this?"

Ah. Right. Research. I remembered but asked anyway.

"To witness the fiction humans consume." She joked. It wasn't funny.

Meanwhile, I was the one suffering for her academic curiosity.

I crossed my arms, glaring at the screen. "It's just unrealistic. The guy doesn't even say much. He just broods and girls fall for him. If life worked like that, I'd have—"

I stopped myself. That was a dangerous train of thought.

Evil God glanced at me. "Continue."

"Nope. I'm good."

She shrugged lightly and returned to watching the movie in silence.

As the credits rolled and the theater lights brightened, I stood up, stretching. "Well, that was two hours I'll never get back."

Evil God followed, calmly stepping into the aisle. "I found it interesting."

"Figures you would." My smile was probably creepy.

As we exited the theater, the same two guys from earlier walked past. One of them whispered just loud enough for me to hear:

"Man, he really doesn't know how to act around his girlfriend."

I felt the beginnings of a headache forming.

Evil God, however, seemed completely unaware or unbothered.

I could already tell this wasn't the last time something like this would happen.

I was shocked to know what the next place Evil God planned to go.

The walk to the fast food place felt unnecessarily long, mostly because I could feel the stares drilling into the back of my head.

I glanced sideways at Evil God, who was walking by my side with her usual calm, unreadable expression. We neared our destination.

Meanwhile, I could practically hear the whispers of passing strangers in my head.

"Did he really take his girlfriend to a fast food joint? That's... bold."

Shut up!

I could already predict the narrative forming in their heads, a tragic story about a clueless boyfriend who lacked the common decency to take his date somewhere more respectable.

Hachiman Hikigaya: local villain of romance, destroyer of expectations.

"You sure about this place?" I mumbled. "There are classier ways to waste money, you know."

Evil God tilted her head slightly, regarding me with that same distant look she always had — the one that made me feel like she was processing my entire being like an AI calculating potential responses.

"I've never eaten a hamburger before," she replied plainly.

I stopped mid-step.

"What?"

She glanced at me as if waiting for me to keep walking. "I've never been to a fast food restaurant either."

I squinted at her. "You're joking."

"No."

I stared for another solid five seconds, then exhaled through my nose. Right, I forgot. Why would an Evil God like her ever experience something as mundane as fast food? Silly me for expecting anything remotely normal.

"Well, congratulations," I muttered, pushing open the door. "You're about to experience disappointment in its purest form."

Evil God followed me inside, looking around curiously as if she'd stepped into some foreign country.

Ah, yes. The land of cheap meals and broken dreams.

The cashier gave me a polite but stiff smile as we approached the counter. It was the kind of smile that had probably seen too much.

The silent, weathered grin of someone who had long since accepted the cynical truth that dreams were no match for minimum wage and overly complicated burger orders at 10 PM.

I already felt the gaze of the other customers burning into me. I could practically see them analyzing every detail. From the way Evil God stood quietly beside me to the way, I ordered without asking for her opinion.

To them, I was either the clueless boyfriend who dragged his girlfriend to a fast food joint or the tragic loner who imagined one beside him.

Honestly, I wasn't sure which was worse.

"Two cheeseburgers. Medium fries. And... I dunno, just water," I said without a stutter, thank you god.

Evil God glanced at the menu once. "I'll have the same."

The cashier nodded, clearly suppressing a smirk. He handed me the receipt with a knowing look that screamed,"Good luck with your date, buddy."

Kill me.

I narrowed my eyes at him but said nothing. No point in defending something that wasn't even happening.

We found a seat in the corner. Evil God sat down across from me, her posture as straight as ever. She rested her chin on her hand, looking at my face intently. My face wasn't pink.

"You're quiet," she said.

"That's just how I am." I leaned back in the seat. "Or maybe I'm still processing the fact that you willingly chose to eat here. Seriously, never?"

She shook her head.

"Not even as a kid?"

"No."

I frowned. "I thought fast food was, like, the foundation of childhood trauma."

Evil God blinked. "My childhood was normal."

Yeah. I bet.

I drummed my fingers on the table, trying to steer the conversation away from whatever existential pit it was about to dive into.

"So... why me?"

Evil God tilted her head. "Why not you?"

I stared at her. "That's not an answer."

"It is. You're entertaining and funny."

My eye twitched. "I'm not some TV channel you can switch on whenever you're bored."

"I like your critiques. They're sincere."

I blinked. That... wasn't what I expected.

Sincere, huh?

There was a weird tug in my chest. Not the kind that made you feel warm or fuzzy. More like the uncomfortable realization that someone had just seen past your defenses without even trying.

I scratched the back of my neck awkwardly. "Well, don't get used to it. I'm not exactly cheap entertainment."

"I disagree. You're very affordable."

I frowned. "That sounded insulting."

"Sorry, bad joke. It wasn't meant to be." She apologized.

I sighed, leaning back in my seat again.

She really had a way of throwing me off. Evil God's words were calm and neutral yet somehow they always felt like she'd peeled back a layer of my soul and stepped on it casually.

As if it was the most normal thing in the world.

Our food arrived shortly after. Evil God inspected the cheeseburger carefully, almost like she was analyzing an unknown specimen.

I took a bite out of mine. "What, afraid it'll bite back?"

"No." She lifted it and took a small bite, chewing thoughtfully.

I watched her, curious despite myself.

"Well?"

She swallowed. "It's... a little salty and overspiced."

I snorted. "That's fast food for you."

Evil God took another bite without complaint.

We ate mostly in silence after that, save for the occasional comment from me about the loud couple sitting a few tables away. Evil God seemed more interested in observing everything around her than the food itself.

As we finished up, I leaned on the table, tapping my knuckles lightly against it.

"So, you satisfied? Humanity's proudest achievement is now fast food."

Evil God nodded slightly. "It was an experience."

"That's one way to put it."

I checked my phone. The evening was creeping in.

"Well, that's enough excitement for one day. Unless you've got another life-changing first you want to cross off your list?"

Evil God stood up, adjusting her skirt. "No. But I enjoyed today."

I paused for half a second before standing as well. "It was good. I guess."

As we stepped outside, I felt the cool air hit my face. Evil God walked beside me quietly, her gaze fixed ahead.

I wasn't sure why, but something about that moment felt different.

Not in a bad way. Just...