Chapter 4: The Kidnapper Reveal (And Even More Absurdity)

Gerald stood outside the abandoned Chuck E. Cheese, his leather jacket creaking like a rusty door hinge in the summer heat. The building looked exactly how Gerald felt on the inside: defeated, obsolete, and probably full of expired pizza. The neon sign flickered weakly, spelling out "CHUCK E CH SE" – the E's had given up, just like Gerald's dreams of becoming an Instagram fitness influencer after his three-day training montage.

His "high-tech investigation" had consisted of creating a Reddit account (u/FeetLover69420), posting on r/relationship_advice with "Help! Kid kidnapped, ex-wife won't return my calls, also looking for feet pics," and somehow getting actual helpful advice between all the people calling him a creep. One mysterious user (definitely not Linda) had DMed him the Chuck E. Cheese location with a suspicious number of winky faces.

Armed with nothing but his Nokia brick phone (which could probably withstand a nuclear blast) and the confidence of a man who had watched exactly one YouTube video titled "How to Be Alpha Male (SIGMA GRINDSET 2025)," Gerald pushed open the doors. They squeaked ominously, or maybe that was just his leather pants. He'd bought them on clearance, and they made sounds that would haunt a foley artist's nightmares.

The interior was dark, save for the occasional blink of ancient arcade machines. As Gerald's eyes adjusted to the darkness, he could make out the silhouette of someone tied to a chair in the center of the room. The figure was so muscular that even the ropes looked like they were struggling to contain him.

"Hello?" Gerald called out, his voice cracking like he was going through puberty again. "Lily?"

A deep, familiar rumble responded – a voice so bass-heavy it made the nearby Street Fighter II machine start a bonus round. "Bro... is that you, Gerald?"

Gerald fumbled for his phone, activating its flashlight (which was really just its screen showing a white background because Nokia). There, tied to a child-sized birthday party chair that was definitely not rated for his weight class, was Blade.

"Wait, what the hell are you doing here?" Gerald asked, taking in the bizarre sight. Blade was wearing his signature tank top that read 'GAINS O'CLOCK SOMEWHERE' and compression shorts that left nothing to the imagination. His perfectly maintained fade haircut somehow still looked fresh, as if he'd managed to get a trim while being kidnapped.

"BRO... THEY GOT ME TOO," Blade announced, each word making the nearby plastic ball pit ripple like a scene from Jurassic Park. A few stray balls fell from their container, probably trying to escape the sheer masculinity of his voice.

Gerald blinked, his brain working overtime like when he had to calculate his taxes without using Excel. "Who's 'they'?"

"It's Linda, bro," Blade said dramatically, a single tear rolling down his chiseled face and immediately evaporating from his body heat. "She set this up."

The revelation hung in the air like the smell of old pizza and broken dreams. Gerald stood there, processing this information with all the speed of his Nokia trying to load a modern webpage.

Gerald: "..."

Blade: "..."

The animatronic Chuck E. Cheese in the background: "..." (followed by a concerning mechanical whir)

Gerald's brain blue-screened harder than Windows Vista. "Wait. Are you telling me I just had a Winter Arc for no reason?!"

Blade sighed, the action making his pecs dance independently of each other. "Nah, bro. You look kinda... mid now."

Gerald wiped a single tear from his eye, smudging the temporary tattoo he'd applied to look tougher. "That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me." And it was true – the bar was that low.

Just then, the doors burst open with the dramatic timing of a reality TV show finale. The arcade machines all lit up at once, creating an impromptu light show that would give an epilepsy warning a run for its money.

LINDA STOOD THERE. HOLDING LILY.

Linda looked exactly as Gerald remembered her, which was to say she looked like someone who definitely had her life together. Her power suit screamed "I make six figures and I could ruin your life with one email." Lily, their teenage daughter, stood beside her, rolling her eyes so hard they were in danger of getting stuck that way.

The animatronic Chuck E. Cheese chose that moment to spring to life, playing a distorted version of "Happy Birthday" that sounded like it was being performed in the underworld.

The stage was set for the final confrontation, and Gerald had absolutely no idea what he was supposed to do next. But then again, when had he ever?