A Stalker in My Life

— It's normal, — my doctors said.

— You find the boy you met attractive, and your brain is reacting like someone in love. There are a lot of neural discharges.

— So, feeling my heart race like this means I'm interested? And just from seeing him?

— Yes, there are countless reactions, but overall, it's a positive thing.

— For years, I thought this… wouldn't happen. I thought my trauma had erased this part of me.

— Sexual recovery after such severe trauma can be slow and unpredictable, — the doctor began carefully. — Your brain created a series of defenses to protect you, blocking sensations and emotions that might bring back what you experienced. That could explain why you lost your desire for so long.

I already knew all of this. Years of therapy had prepared me for the possibility of never feeling physical attraction again without medical intervention. But I can't understand why that changed now. And, more importantly, why Salin?

— So why… Salin? — I asked. — What is it about him that made this happen?

— Salin has been a central figure in your life recently, hasn't he? — the doctor asked, and I nodded. — He's directly linked to your best emotional experiences of late. Your brain may be associating him with safety, comfort… and maybe, finally, pleasure. Your mind is beginning to see that there's something beyond pain, something that isn't a threat.

I had several sensors attached to me. After I told my father about Salin and how I felt, he insisted on bringing me here. After all, his supposedly "defective" son, incapable of feeling excitement, was now reacting.

— I suggest exposure therapy, — another doctor said. But when they had me watch porn, my excitement dropped to zero. Apparently, it only works if I think about Salin.

— Is that bad? — I asked after the tests. Just thinking about Salin caused a flood of sensations. If those sensations were those of someone in love and attracted, then what I felt for my ex-wife was nothing more than friendship.

— For now, even if it's just for one person, it's good news. Keep going with therapy. While your libido may currently manifest for a specific person, working on physical intimacy is still important.

— Sexual desire isn't just physical, especially for someone who's been through what you have. It's about trust, safety, and, above all, feeling comfortable enough to allow yourself to feel. Maybe, with Salin, you can finally reach that point… and that's a good thing.

— This is… strange, — I admitted with a small smile. — I never thought I'd feel this.

— Give yourself time, Jun-Ho.

(...)

— What's your problem, Salinah? — Yoma suddenly asked, startling me. I jumped and adjusted myself in the chair.

— I'm fine. Nothing's wrong.

Something is. His name is Min Jun-Ho.

— Here. — He handed me a coffee.

— Thanks.

He rested his head on his hands, elbows on the table, massaging his forehead, deep in thought.

— Want to go out for a drink with me tonight?

— Sure.

Yoma stayed quiet, watching me. He was never much of a talker.

He reached out and placed his hand on my face.

I shuddered, and he let out a small laugh.

— Why are you always like this? Ah, wait, are you gay?

I glared at him.

— Kidding. You're cute, and I'm handsome.

I think Yoma, like Taemin, enjoys teasing me.

— Get back to work, stop talking nonsense.

— I think Taemin would have gone after you if we weren't together. Did he ever hit on you back in school? — Yoma looked me in the eyes. — Have you two ever hooked up? Done this and that? Has anything ever happened?

Taemin and I had always been just friends. None of that ever happened.

— Ah, hyung, did you forget to take your meds today? Go take them.

He laughed and walked away.

— See you after work.

And when I finished work, Yoma was waiting for me.

As I stepped out of the building, my gaze froze. I had tried to ignore it all day.

I shouldn't have been surprised. But it was unsettling.

Showing off the car of my dreams, it was leaning against an Audi A8, as if it were part of the scenery. It's a shame that this disruption in my life came with the car. He was dressed entirely in black, baggy pants, a loose shirt, and a short, open dress shirt over it. A silver chain hung around his neck. His hair was tied back in a ponytail. His tattoos were on full display. He clearly didn't have a job; he had way too much free time.

As soon as he saw me, he flicked his cigarette away.

— Salin-shi! — he called, approaching with a smile.

I stood still.

— Ah, talk to me, stop ignoring me.

He's been coming back every day. Last week, he was waiting at my house when I got home. Today, he decided to show up at my workplace. I have no idea why this is happening, but this guy is a menace.

— Who's this? — he asked Yoma.

— Yoma.

— Hm… Ahhhm! — His dramatic reaction nearly gave me a heart attack. — You're Yoma! You're such a good friend to my Salin. Thanks for taking such good care of him.

He smiled, but it felt ironic. Was he being sarcastic?

— Salin, who is he?

— Relax, Yoma-hyung. He's nothing. — I said, pushing Yoma so we could leave. — Go do your job and leave me alone! — I snapped at Jun-Ho.

— Come out with me, let's take a walk. Come on.

I took a deep breath, trying to stay calm. He didn't seem that young, and considering his role, he shouldn't be acting so… reckless, impulsive, and annoying. But he didn't care about any of that. It was as if he had zero consideration for me. What does he think I am? Some random, single guy who was alone at a party and drunk at home?

— What is he talking about?

— Don't worry. Wait here.

Like a fan waiting for a concert, he was everywhere. I turned toward him, furious.

But I quickly found myself caught in his eyes, black as jabuticabas, locked on me and shining. He wasn't hiding it. He looked hopelessly enamored. His lips formed a small " O " surprised to see me coming back.

— Changed your mind? Are you coming with me? — he asked as I got closer.

My whole body burned. Regret. I should have stayed away.