And so it is the first night

Clearly happy, Jun-Ho smiled when he saw me in his living room.

— I'll warn you that nothing is going to happen between us… — he said as soon as I entered the room. — Beyond what's already happened...

— Well, I want it to happen. It would be perfect if you kissed me again.

The man in front of me was handsome, had loose screws, was a killer. A criminal. But his eyes shone, as always.

— Why are you so persistent with this?

— How many times are you going to question me?

— Until I believe it! How did you manage to keep your marriage with all these difficulties? — I asked, dropping my backpack and walking closer to him.

— I just used Viagra and would get numb with tranquilizers every time we needed to be a couple. I tried alternative hypnotherapy to reduce my aversion to touch, so she could get closer to me. It worked for a while, but the side effects were horrible, because the problem was still there. I felt muscle pain, but it was totally psychological, so there was nothing I could do except stop. — He looked at a corner of the room. — But we were like friends. Now I understand that it was like that. It must have been horrible for her, just as it was for me. — His black eyes turned toward me. — We lived like that for three years, until everything went wrong. Not that everything was fine at the beginning.

— And you were okay?

— I am as I am. And I don't know how she is now.

— I get it, but I didn't want to know about her.

Min laughed.

— People talk about what they think happened behind the scenes all the time. There are things you should know, even though our marriage is fake.

— I don't want to.

He kept his smile.

— Do you enjoy adventures with people you don't know, Park Salin?

— The truth prevails, and this is only temporary. We don't need to try so hard. But I'll try to be understanding.

— Then kiss me, Salin.

— What? Still with this?

— I don't give up easily. Come on, don't leave me waiting.

I took a deep breath and walked closer to him. Without touching him, I just stood on tiptoe so my lips could meet his mouth. I felt that spark of electricity run through me. Let him accept this as a gift, because without Min Jun-Ho, I don't know if I'd still be alive now. I gave myself to the kiss, and his hands briefly touched my back. He seemed unsure of what to do. Honestly, I didn't mind; it was cute. Our moments of contact were always unique, we truly had an undeniable connection. His lips were warm, and it affected me so much that it was hard not to give in to him. I pulled away, feeling the lack of air in my lungs.

— Satisfied? — I asked.

— Soon I'll get used to it. A few more times, please.

— It was a gift, not a monthly subscription. — Salin murmured.

— Not for long... — he teased. — I'm going to take a shower.

— Are you leaving?

— No... actually, I don't know.

— Hm...

— Why? Don't you want me to leave?

— You always leave out of nowhere. I'm kind of on alert now.

Jun-Ho's smile faded into concern.

— I'm sorry about that. It's my job, I don't do it on purpose. The place I love to be is next to yours.

D*mn, out of nowhere...

I'm definitely going to fall in love. I should avoid it for six months, shouldn't be that hard.

— Okay, go take your shower, and if you need to leave, just let me know. You can text me too.

— Okay.

When Jun-Ho left, I could finally breathe. I was feeling suffocated with so much information in one day.

I looked around and went to a room in his house that seemed to belong to no one. I dropped my things there.

I'm engaged to a guy I barely know. If he's pretending, I have no way to defend myself. This is scary, but I'm not regretting it one bit.

I was in his lap today, felt the muscles of his body around me. I felt ridiculously protected, as if it were my mother's lap. How could I be so comfortable with someone I don't know? It must be because he's handsome and fits my type. But I feel like I'm letting...

D*mn, I have a boyfriend!

How did I forget about JP? We fought, and I blocked his number. We haven't talked for all this time, but we're kind of still dating?

I lay down on the couch.

But, if JP cared about me, he would've come to my house. It's been more than a month.

My thing with JP started when Yomin introduced us. I didn't like JP, but we started dating four months ago. I admit, ever since my family's tragedy, I've made some pretty bad decisions. And maybe now I've reached the peak of stupidity. At least I'm not being selfish.

(...)

The water ran down my body as the already distorted memories flowed too. These days, I'm not sure what happened to me, I don't even remember exactly. But every dream, every thought, and emotion brings me back to that day. The screams still echo in my mind, the clang of metal still makes me tremble.

I was kidnapped when I was a child, I was seven years old. I wasn't the only one who was kidnapped, and the violence I witnessed was traumatic, still affecting me to this day. I now have a phobia of sex and, consequently, impotence. Touch with intimate intentions suffocates me. Therefore, I had problems with my libido during adolescence, and today, I feel nothing. Maybe it's because of fear, I don't allow myself to feel anything and I lived like this until now.

But Salin...

Salin makes me want to experience this side I've been suppressing. He makes my desire greater than my fear and disgust. I feel my whole body tremble with longing to have him. He makes me want to test my limits. If one day it's good for me, I want it to be with Salin.

But my limits still exist. I'm at war with myself just to be by his side. And I'm still not able to overcome it, but soon I will. I hope that spending more time with Salin will help. I don't know anything about guys, and I barely know my own body because of the disorders.

But with Salin, I feel like I can.

I went to the living room and found Salin sleeping on the couch. After staying up all night because of his mother's surgery, it was obvious he would be tired.

Without thinking much, I wrapped my arms around him and carefully lifted him up. Salin didn't move, he just breathed peacefully against my shoulder. I carried him to my room. It would be his now too.

I lay down next to him and looked at him.

I must tell myself I don't need to worry. I can do this. I don't need anything right now, nothing is happening. We're just together in the same bed. I just need to sleep by his side.

I wasn't sleepy, but I wanted to try. Salin soon grabbed me, as if I were a pillow.

My heart raced. But I quickly calmed down, after all, Salin was just sleeping. Comfortably.

He was so beautiful while sleeping.

Everything about him was perfect.