The Shame

After a few days of emotion therapy, Balar was back on his feet. Clara was tending the storefront While Asher was beside the Dremin making the final checkups.

Balar's body was brand new with purple glistening feathers and a cleaned-up mask albeit he was less talkative...all he ever said was...

"I'm sorry." He said it for the umpteenth time. It made their conversations awkward, especially for Asher. He hated how much he saw himself in these useless words. How it reminded him of useless things. How he hated himself for believing he could chan…

"Useless…" At first, he thought it was fear or regret who spoke up but it was Balar. The Dremin extended one of his long feathery arms and put it above Asher's shoulder. He began absorbing the negativity. This would be prone to jail time if he had done it outside, but Asher knew he meant well so he remained silent. It felt better...calmer but he backed away before the intoxication got hold of him.

"I promised not to..." Asher managed a few words with the avian. The old timer closed his red eyes and nodded slowly. It was weird how much the eyes betrayed a person's age and intelligence even a dremin's and Balar was old.

"You know...why name Balar?" The Dremin tried his hardest at forming a sentence in high loci. Asher knew that they only spoke spirillic so whatever he mouthed were stuff he learned as his life went on.

Asher shook his head at Balar's random question. The Dremin eyed him for a bit, the sludge along his neck and face was bubbling and reforming.

"I work under long ear…His name Balar…they respected Balar…I wanted respect." His inhumane voice was clearer now that he rearranged his throat. It was easier to convey longer sentences.

The Dremin fell silent while Asher digested his words. Rare were the sylphs who used slaves since some of their own were still slaves in the empire to the east and the magisterium to the south after the pyre wars.

"Now Balar don't want respect…want live…peace." He closed his red striking eyes and took a deep breath before getting out of bed. He looked at Asher again.

"You choose…live too…no shame." The Dremin's words stuck Asher like thunder. It was the emotion Tommy didn't grasp. An emotion he hadn't fed on. This was the difference between most Dremin. Some would go their entire lives and never know the shame Asher felt.

It was the knot tied around his neck. It was the anxiety bubbling in his chest. It was what kept him up at night and what he couldn't tell anybody about.

"A monster sympathizing with a monster…how ironic." Regret spoke up ruining whatever Asher was slowly coming to terms with. Balar absorbed the spike of negativity again. He walked past the boy to the storefront while Asher followed.

Balar stood by a surprised Cathy and bowed deeply. She had already told him to pay her back when he found work so the Dremin didn't hesitate to exit the store but not without parting with final words.

"No Shame…Thank you."

"You okay Asher?" Clara looked at the boy. She was still missing an arm, another thing that made him feel guilty and ashamed. He stared at the stump in a trance.

"Asher?" She said his name again. He hated hearing it. So many voices spoke it unison that just hearing it gnawed at his very soul.

"Uh…yes…I'm okay."

"We're finished for today…how about you go rest." She spoke warmly to the little boy who nodded and left for his room again.

"How long are you going to keep this up…It's suffocating isn't it…Hearing that woman's affection…her trust. Let's just leave…We're good at leaving." Fear whispered to Asher who gritted his teeth and quickened his pace to his bedroom.

Hours would pass by, and sleep would never find him. He'd pace from one side of the room to the other, sparing glances at the insomnia medicine on the counter. Clara had noticed the signs of his malady and prepared medicine without him asking.

Just thinking about using it made the knot of shame tighten. Taking it meant an easy way out and if he took it, the voices would come biting in full force the next day. He'd rather stay awake till he found a way to redeem himself until suddenly longing spoke up but her voice wasn't in his head but in the room with him.

"Remember"

He looked around frantically till his eyes stopped at the long mirror on the edge of his room before she shrieked another word like a banshee.

"The"

He traced longing's figure. It was a bony husk with disheveled clothes and grey bark for skin. Its eyes were empty sockets. Her scalp lacked a full head of hair and instead had a few strands of white. She looked straight at Asher who fell to the ground and backed away in full force, knocking things left and right.

When he calmed down and looked at her again, she began to smile and smile and smile till her mouth was so deformed it almost made the boy wretch. Her empty sockets glowed with red flames and she opened her mouth. She lunged out of the mirror grabbing Asher

"Promise." She shrieked the final word, revealing rows and rows of serrated teeth. Then she slowly faded away.

Asher, who was shuddering on the ground, cried until he fell asleep. He didn't have the same nightmare. After all parts of it seeped into his reality. He didn't dwell on the fact that his mental health was deteriorating because he knew now what he had to do.

Longing reminded him of what he couldn't escape no matter where he ran. The form she displayed herself in was enough of a reality check.

The next few days, Asher would help Clara around the shop, enough till part of his guilt abated. He returned to his room which was now missing a mirror. The mirror was flipped around and facing the wall. He was not ready yet to face his demons. He needed to heal all his wounds and rest properly for what would come next.

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"Teach me!"