From Ale to Excrement ( 16 )

As I downed the last gulp of ale, savoring the slightly bitter but refreshing taste, I tilted my head back and sighed, "Ahhh, that hits the spot."

But before I could place the mug down, one of the adventurers—clearly furious—charged at me. I didn't notice him until…

CLONK!

My mug swung forward as I casually moved to set it down. The timing couldn't have been worse—or better, depending on how you looked at it. The edge of the mug collided with the guy's forehead with a loud thud.

"Oof!" He staggered back, holding his head in pain before falling flat on his back, unconscious.

I blinked, looking at the mug in my hand. "Huh? What just happened?" I muttered, utterly confused.

The repairmen burst out laughing. "Gahaha! Crazy guy just knocked him out by accident!" Zaben roared, slapping his knee.

Another adventurer paused mid-swing, staring at me in disbelief. "What the hell, man?!"

I shrugged, raising the mug. "Uh… cheers?"

The repairmen howled even louder as the adventurers, now defeated and humiliated, started dragging their unconscious comrade out.

Zaben patted me on the back, nearly knocking me over. "You're not bad, crazy guy. Join us anytime!"

I smirked, lifting the mug again. "Maybe I'll stick around. The entertainment's not bad."

"Oi! Where the hell you get this ale from? And this meat?" Zaben asked, raising an eyebrow while grinning widely.

I casually shrugged, holding up a piece of meat. "Huh? I just took it from their table."

For a moment, the group went silent, staring at me in disbelief. Then they burst into laughter so loud the walls practically shook.

"Gahahahaha! Not bad, crazy guy! Not bad at all!" Robert said, wiping a tear from his eye.

"You've got guts, I'll give you that!" Zaben added, pounding the table hard enough to make the plates jump.

I took another bite of the meat, chewing slowly. "I mean, they were too busy losing to you guys, so it seemed like a waste to leave it there."

Jubir leaned in, smirking. "You know, you might actually fit in with us, crazy guy. Stealing food while they're getting their asses handed to them? Genius!"

"Hey, it's not stealing if it's already paid for," I joked, taking another sip of ale.

The repairmen roared with laughter again, clinking their mugs together. "To crazy guy!" they toasted.

I raised my mug, smirking. "To free food and drinks!"

The atmosphere was rowdy, cheerful, and loud. Even though the adventurers were gone, their food and ale had certainly made my night a lot better.

That night? Of course, I drank all the mugs I'd been "stealing" from the adventurer party. And you know what?

I regret it.

"Buweeeekkkk!" I vomited, hunched over in a dark alley near the path to the stables. My head was spinning, and my stomach was doing acrobatics I didn't know were possible.

The others? They didn't care. They left me alone, laughing. "Crazy guy, you'll survive! Just follow the smell of hay—that's your bed tonight! Oh, and you're not the only one crashing there!"

I stumbled along the path, swaying like a drunk sailor on a sinking ship. "Whatever..." I muttered, clutching my stomach. "Bu... buweeeekkkk!" Another wave of regret poured out.

When I finally reached the stable, I collapsed onto a hay pile, face first. It smelled like grass, dirt, and something suspiciously horse-like. "Ugh... damn this isekai world..." I groaned.

The other guy sleeping in the stable? Just a passed-out drunk who snored like thunder. "Figures..." I mumbled before rolling over.

That night, I learned two valuable lessons: free ale isn't always worth it, and never underestimate the strength of isekai booze.

Vomiting aside, with something on my face I didn't want to think about, all I knew was that the world was spinning.

"Ehe... ehehehe... ehehehehe..." I chuckled to myself, the kind of laugh you get after too much cheap ale.

How many days had I been in this world? I couldn't tell you. Honestly, who keeps track anymore? Maybe sober people, but that wasn't me. "Maybe... maybe because I'm drunk... oh wait, I am drunk! Ahahahaha!"

Summoned to another world, huh? First thing? Charged by a massive boar. Then... a horde of orc males in heat. "I'm lucky my ass didn't become their 'landing zone!' Hahahaha...."

After that? Detained and thrown into a cell for a few days. Kissed by the beautiful Shania... oh, that kiss...

Then what? Blindfolded, tied up, and dragged to the capital like some criminal. "And now here I am..." I muttered, staring at the stable roof as my thoughts tumbled.

"Working as a newbie wall repairman, barely making a copper... and now sleeping in this... uh, stable..." I glanced down at the hay pile. Something smelled... off.

"Huh? What's this on my face?" I touched it, squinting at the mysterious brown lump in my hand. Curiosity got the better of me. I took a bite. "Munch munch... bitter? Geh... whatever." I shrugged, wiping my mouth.

Everything started getting blurry. The spinning world became a comforting haze pulling me in. "Okay, okay... it's getting blurrier now. Time to sleep..." I mumbled as I drifted off, the sweet oblivion of drunken slumber finally taking me.

In the morning, I woke up to a smell so "unique" it could probably knock out a dragon. Something was definitely off. It wasn't the usual stable stink—this was personal.

When I opened my eyes?

"EWWWWWW!!! BUWEEEEEKKKKK!!!"

Right next to me, in all its brown, stinking glory, was a massive pile of horse shit. And my face? Oh, my poor, innocent face... it was covered in it!

"WATER! WATER!!" I screamed, scrambling to my feet like my life depended on it. My first instinct was to run to the stream.

"Uh... where's the stream? CRAP! EEEK! WHERE'S THE STREAMMMM!?" I flailed around, shouting like a lunatic, which—let's face it—I probably looked like.

The passersby? They just stopped to laugh, some doubling over and clutching their stomachs. All I could hear were the delightful nicknames they shouted:

"Shitty guy!"

"Crazy guy!"

"Dungface!"

"Manure man!"

"Poop adventurer!"

"Brown knight!"

"Sir Stinks-a-Lot!"

"SHUT UPPPP!!!" I shouted back, but that only made them laugh harder.

When I finally spotted the stream, I bolted for it like my life depended on it. "Out of the way! Shitty guy coming through!"

Upon arriving, I was ready to wash off this nightmare, but people were literally running away from me like I was some foul-smelling demon.

"What?! Come on! It's just horse shit!" I yelled, waving my arms. That only made them scatter faster, clutching their noses.

"Ugh, whatever! Wash time!" Without a second thought, I leapt into the stream with a big splash, clothes and all. My clothes were already full of horse shit anyway—cleaning them was now the least of my problems.

As I scrubbed furiously, rinsing off every trace of the nightmare, I let out a deep, dramatic sigh. "I'm the saddest person in this entire world. Truly, no one is more tragic than me."

First, my introduction to this world was a complete disaster. "My ass almost became a 'landing zone' for a horde of horny male orcs!" I shuddered at the memory. 

And according to horrifying gossip from others, their 'thing' is apparently bigger than a horse's. Seriously, I don't want to think about how close I came to being orc history.

And now? Full of horse shit! Not metaphorically—literally!

"Yeah, you heard me, universe! They're calling me Shitman now! SHITMAN!" I shouted at the sky, slapping water onto my face like some sort of cleansing ritual.

The universe's response? A fish jumped out of the water and slap me in the face. Dush!

"Damn you, isekai! Damn you all!!"

( End of Chapter )