Goodmorning

This is life,

I may have been 3 or 4 years old when I first awoken to what I believe was my "consiousness" because I realized that I could think, I could process things, and could remember things that happened a while ago.

My favorite food were raw eggs mixed with hot rice and I carried on that favorite of mine until I got very old.

People always told me that they couldn't handle that dish "It stinks and it looks disgusting" they said, well too bad because if you don't like it, I still liked it anyways and I LOVED that flavor of raw eggs mixed with rice.

Growing up, people always told me that I was a weirdo, and so random at the most random moment like I had some sort of "ADHD" or something, but I didn't mind that.

In fact I am proud to say that I am indeed a weirdo because that side of mine always brings a smile to people around me.

Me and my family lived in a private subdivision, so there were rarely any cars I could hear from outside the gate, and as crazy as I am, I was actually an extremely shy and introverted person.

So other than accompanying my parents when buying groceries or visiting my grandparents, I didn't have any other reason to go outside the house, like I isolated myself from everyone but being alone never bothered me at all.

I never had any friends because I refused to go to nursery or kindergarten, I never told my parents the actual reason why but I just told them that "I'm still very lazy to go to school, can I just start the next year instead?"

And my mother simply agreed,

"Yeah, besides you're still too young anyways, and you're smart enough for what they teach in nursery anyways"

She says.

But the actual reason was because I was so terrified and shy, and was so afraid of other people judging me for who I am, the thought of people who I don't know calling me weird haunts my mind, I was so afraid to feel so embarrased and ashamed of myself for what I might do that would screw me up.

I have a sister, her name is Nickz she is 5 years older than me, for some reason she would always get upset or angry when I try to talk to her or do things with her, was it something that I did? Or is it just because I'm a weirdo and it embarasses her.

We would always start a fight with each other, atleast 4 or 5 times a day, the hatred I had for my sister just constantly grew because everytime we fought we never ended it on good terms.

It would just end when our parents have intervened us and we never actually said "sorry" once to each other the entire time. She made me realize how anger, hatred, and frustration feels like.

When I turned 5 years old, I was introduced to and met my first cousin Eric, who was a year older than me.

Eric was the first ever cousin I ever knew and was also the very first friend I ever had, we went through a lot of things in our childhood.

We rarely fought with each other but when we do, we would immediately make up with each other like nothing ever happened.

Eric is my best friend, we would laugh at things to things only the two of us could understand, the most random things.

We understood each other, I felt as if he was more of a sibling than my own sister.

It was also around that time when I finally had my first phone, which I got in a very ridiculous way though.

I first kept borrowing my mother's phone constantly so that me and my cousin could play our favorite games together, until one day, she just got used to it and when I tried returning it to her,

"Just keep it for today, you might still use it later anyways"

She told me.

And that "today" became the next day, the next week, the next month, and the next year, until it finally broke down.

It was also around the same time I was introduced to one of my third cousins, who was my second brother.

He was about the same age as my first cousin, but they shared no ounce of similarities, neither in personality nor appearance, but still had the same vibes as my brother.

I was in another town where my grandmother lives, and I saw a bunch of kids playing across our cyclone gate, I wanted to have friends, but since I was still very shy and introverted.

I couldn't do or didn't know what to do to approach them, so I would just walk past by them playing on that one jackfruit tree, I walked past by them once, hoping to grab their attention and have them come up to me instead, but all I could do in my level wasjust staring at them.

the second time the same thing I could do, just stare at them, the third time I stayed parallel to them across the cyclone fence and sat down on a mango tree pretending to play with rocks alone.

Minutes passed and still nothing happened, they would occasionally laugh at things I didn't know or I didn't know why, they looked so happy, enjoying their moment, I also wanted to know how having friends felt like so I would just sometimes chuckle on my own as well.

But then, I accidentally made eye contact with one of the kids while laughing.

I felt shivers down my spine and was horrified, I didn't know what to expect, all the shame that was about to be brought upon me.

"What if he told the other kids I was laughing at them?"

"What if he thinks I'm just straight out laughing at them?"

"What if he misunderstood my intentions and saw me as a weird kid with problems?"

"What if he points at me and all the kids would just start laughing at me instead?"

"What if he yelled and called for me and everyone woul just stare at me and start laughing?!"

These thoughts flooded my mind at that very instance, I was frozen in place, I was shocked down to my spine and was preparing myself to whatever the outcome might be.

My tears slowly fell out as a result of that, yet I still couldn't cry out loud because I didn't want to attract any more attention to myself any longer.

Turns out, he didn't do anything. I felt so relieved, to think that all my concerns were for nothing after all, yet I still felt worried that maybe he would talk about it to them later when they left, I can't turn back now,

so I persisted.

I walked past by them the fourth time, this time I shared a smile and an eyebrow raise with the guy, I felt very proud of myself, "atlast, I had gained his attention and he recognizes me" I thought on my mind.

And on the fifth time my aunt saw me and asked me "what are you doing? Why are you going back and fourth?"

I stayed in silence, I didn't know how to reply because what I was doing was way too embarassing to say out front.

But she figured anyways that maybe I was trying to gain the attention of the kids across the fence, so she immediately called out one of the kids over, I felt relieved because she finally took over the situation.

Coincidentally, the kid that came over was the very same kid I shared eye contact and a smile with, so we immediately shared a friendlf warm smile when our eyes met once again.

"What is your name?"

She asked the boy, in a calm and gentle but serious tone.

"Wence"

He replied innocently.

"My nephew here wants to make friends with you, is that okay with you?"

I felt embarassed with how she said it, but nevertheless he replied with a simple "sure!" So I had no problems whatsoever.

And just like that, I had met my third cousin Wence.

Wence is a very funny person, we shared the same humor, and played games on our own because the other kids went home and turns out, they also lived from another town and was also visiting their grandparents, where my cousin lives at.

Bugs don't scare me nor disgust me, I usually catch cockroaches, spiders, and beetles without flinching, the same goes for Wence.

So we would spend our time together catching spiders around the homes of our neighbors and having them fight on a stick and we would always laugh whenever one of the spiders fell for absolutely random reasons that we randomly make up on our own.

Wence also taught me how to build a trap to troll others, we would dig a hole about 1-2 feet deep and make a grid like platform on top with thin sticks and cover the hole with a very big leaf and then with a little amount of dirt on top right after, about just enough to fully conceal the leaf.

We trolled every person there is that walked past by, our parents, aunts, and uncles, other kids and we had a blast of laughter. but then after some time, his grandmother fell into our trap. He got scolded severely, and I too was preparing for my own demise as I was his partner-in-crime after all.

But no one got mad at me at all, I never got scolded, was it because I was still too young? Was it just because he was the older one? Or is it simply because they don't believe I would have done something like that.

I didn't understand why, so I felt very bad for him and wanted to tell his mother to please stop yelling at him, but I was so scared and couldn't even do anything, all I could do was listen and watch as the yelling got more worse and turned into a beating.

That was the very first horror I have ever witnessed in my life, Wence's wild cries and screams echo from their home to ours,

I also cried at as a result because I couldn't bear to witness my brother suffering.

All I could do was cry for his suffering and didn't do anything to help him simply because I was scared on my own.

I got very angry, and felt very disappointed on myself, "WHY? Why can't I just go? He is suffering while I'm just out her crying for being a shy person!" "Why can't I change? Why am I like this!"

I absolutely hated myself at that time.

It went on for about 30 minutes before things finally calmed down, I was so tired from crying and my heart felt very heavy, I looked out the window to check up on Wence, I see him doing fine and removing the traps while sobbing.

I put out a huge sigh of relief, "atlast, it is finally over, and he is okay now" I thought to myself,

and I fell asleep right after because I couldn't hold on much longer, and I was way too tired.