Happy Night, Good Birthday

I have, once more, entered my apartment. Just like I've done it thousands of times in my life. No, thousand can't possibly be enough. Thousand would only be around 2 years. So it must be more.

Tonight was special, however. When I entered my opponent I came face to face with my own mother.

"Hello."

"Hello."

"You were out late?"

"Yes."

"Alright."

She turned away from me and minded her own business again.

I thought whether or not I should say anything. Whether or not I should keep the conversation going. Whether or not I should strike up a new conversation. Whether or not I should interact further with her.

Ultimately, I decided I wouldn't do anything. I simply went past her, to my room. Felix followed me, levitating behind me.

"So, that ya mom?"

"Yes."

"Aight. What bout her?"

"What do you mean? There's nothing about her."

"Ohhh, cmon! She was just introduced, ya don't think at least some words should be used for her?"

"I'd rather not."

I've always felt indifferent to her. My mother was always nothing special. It was just... Mother. Sometimes she was there. Sometimes she wasn't. I never had any feelings for her. Obviously I didn't. After all, feelings and emotions were something new for me.

"Ya gotta have some kind of bond, dontcha?"

"No."

"Oh, aight. Then I gotta plan!"

"...okay?"

"Dontcha worry! For now, rest easy."

I laid down. Felix began levitating and left the room soon. I remained, alone. I didn't feel the need to cut myself again. After all, I was filled to the brim with emotions. I remembered the evening. And I automatically started smiling.

Thinking about it again and again made me happy. I instinctively knew it was happiness I was feeling. Those happy feelings also didn't leave.

That was good, I judged. I liked the evening. And now I replayed it again and again, similar to how certain people read the same passages of certain books again and again. By doing so, they can understand the knowledge which they try to learn easier. It was just like that; I was trying to understand what just happened this evening. I trying to understand why I liked it so much. I was trying to understand what was happening with me.

But I believe there was no need for me to try and understand myself fully. Why should I aim to understand myself? After all, only one thing matters to me right now; I am happy.

Every time I tried to finally fall asleep, the happy thoughts came back and I was wide awake again. Often I grew tired, just to be more happy than I was tired. Is this the thing called euphoria?

. . .

I stood up. I couldn't take it anymore, lying in bed and all. I left my room.

On the other side, three women awaited me.

My mother, Patricia, and Felix. They sat on the kitchen table, looking at me.

"Morning."

"Bout time you pull up."

"Hello, my dear!"

After greeting me, my mother stood up and walked over to me. She gave me a big hug. After that, Patricia came to me and made her lips touch mine.

Felix was sitting at the table and waved at me, then she clicked her tounge and let her hand row through air. "C'mon, sit down, will ya know?"

The three of us sat down next to Felix. In the middle of the table was a cake. It was black, with yellow and blue sprinkles on top of it.

Felix gave me a fork. "C'mon, fool. Eat."

I didn't hesitate. I dug my fork straight into the cake and took a piece of it. From within the cake a red fluid exited.

"What's that?" I asked, curious. 

"Don't be curious. Be happy." Patricia smiled at me.

"Or be neutral about it. Just don't pay it any attention." My mother stared down at me.

"Ya can also cry if ya don't like it." Felix grinned at me.

But none of them answered my real question.

I ate. Then I tasted it.

"How does it taste, dear?"

"Dol, how does it taste?"

"Ya like it, right?"

"Yes. It tastes very good."

"Glad to hear. Together with your mother and Felix we baked this cake together. The three of us baked this cake, solely for you."

"Solely for me?"

"Ye. Ain't that hard to understand. After all, this ya birthday."

Right, my birthday. Today was indeed my birthday. Yes, everything makes perfect sense right now.

"Oh, how nice of you... But you can eat as well."

"No need, dear. Eat it yourself."

I held the knife in my hand, which I used to eat. It has always been a knife. I must have made an error when I assumed it to be a fork earlier on.

"No, you can-"

The three women glared at me. It was a weird way of looking. My mother looked at me, irritated. Patrica looked at me, sad. Felix looked at me, but despite that... She turned away. I didn't really meet her glance after all.

I was unable to do anything in this situation. I ate another piece.

It tasted wonderfully, just like the first one. So I ate another piece.

When I tasted the third piece, my mother suddenly started coughing. Then, in a flash, she fell straight down. From her body, which laid motionless on the floor, blood was spreading.

I looked at the body, indifferently. Then I took another piece.

Patricia ended up grasping for air and then fell down as well. Just like my mother, from Patricia's corpse, blood was spreading.

I was shocked.

Whywte

Whywisd

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"Cuz ya wanna know how it tastes."

Felix grinned at me. In her hand was an apple which she ate.

"It's just like Faust. 'Für den Moment könnte ich sagen: Bleib, du bist so schön!'"

"This is it. The highest of all moments."

"Ya want a bite?"

She stretched out the apple to me.

I wanted to refuse it.

But as she had shown it to me, I've realized something.

I had eaten that apple long before this. Before taking the very first bite of this cake, I had already eaten that apple. She could only hold it in her hand because it was dead, just like her.

"Correcto! Cuz this apples dead, I can have it!" She joyfully ate the apple.

I looked down on the cake.

"I never wanted things to turn out this way."

"Why? Ya wanted to eat the cake, now ya gotta eat it! If I knew ya suddenly wanted to stop eatin I wouldn't have baked it in the first place..."

I looked at the cake. Then I looked at Felix.

She came near me. She placed her warm hands on my cheeks and smiled at me.

I closed in on her. I closed my eyes. I wanted to kiss her. 

Because, in this very moment, Felix is what I longed for. Not my mother, not Patricia, not the cake, not the apple, not the knife, not the table, not the room, not the bed, not the ceiling, not the sky, not heaven, not hell, not the world, not myself.

But Felix.

When I opened my eyes again, Felix was gone. I looked around my room. It was midnight. It seems I have dreamed. My mother wasn't here. Patricia wasn't here. Felix wasn't here.

I was alone.

I was alone.

I was alone.